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Poems

In the Box My Grandfather Made

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I’m going to tell you the story of how I caught lightning in a wooden box my grandfather made

It is a simple wooden box,

Carefully stained in pretty cherry and on the front cover,

He carved his initials.

My grandfather is a meticulous man and each day he would spend hours completing his first incision until little by little, the box was made. Some day’s he would only carve at it once and leave it on his workbench to sit idle underneath the hot Mexican sun. Sometimes it would sit there idle and untouched for days while he worked, drank, and lived his life away. There are a lot of untold stories sewn into the streets of that little Mexican Village.

My grandfather spent years working on that box,

Slicing at it piece by piece until slowly it took the shape that I now hold in my hands.

You see, this box is magical.

But its not due to some ancient Aztec spell infused into its wooden fibers,

We aren’t Aztec. Nor is it magical because it can hold lightning.

It’s magical because mixed into the lacquer and the glue is mix are our history and traditions. It’s magical because within these tiny wooden walls house more love than I could put into words. It is magical because he gave it to me to hold.

He probably doesn’t think it’s magical. He probably doesn’t even remember giving me the box. To him it was a gift for me when we had nothing. To me, it was everything thing.

To me, it is everything.

It is just a wooden box with small fading initials in the front. Along it, the scars of a life well lived.

Oh right. I was telling you the story of how I caught lighting in the wooden box my grandfather made.

The other day, emboldened by its magic,

I climbed to the peak of Mount Olympus. With the box in hand, I looked up at Zeus and with my clearest voice I yelled

I am here too. I dare you to forget me.

Zeus looked down from his thrown and with a look that I thought was anger he thrown down one of his bolts of lightning.

In self-defense I raised the wooden box in self defense and waited under its cover. It landed with a loud explosion that shook the world and crumbled the mountain into nothing.

When the smoke cleared and the dust settled,

I stood there with a wooden box full of lightning and a cool story to tell.

D&D

D&D Sessions – Toula the Combat Teacher

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This is part of a series. Click here for the whole story!

The next morning, the room was still and quiet. Zamir wakes up before the sunrise to train. The rest sit in their room. Varus takes out a symbol of the Raven Queen that he kept hidden under his shirt, kneels and begins to pray. B.U.D stands in his corner in silence, watching out the window as the world begins to grow brighter. Tal pulls out his loot and begins strumming some notes softly, half distracted by thoughts on the upcoming exam. He spent the night trying to prepare, but there was only so much he can do. Jalila sits in her room polishing her armor. She had a great nights sleep on the incredibly luxurious bed that was provided for her. She has spent most of her life sleeping on the floor, the mattress is a welcomed change.

Image by Quang Nguyen vinh from Pixabay

As the sound of the morning alarm finally rings, Zarmir finally returns from his training. B.U.D watches as Zamir makes his way to his room. He listens as he can hear the rustling of people finally getting ready. Tal sings a muffled song in his room. B.U.D becomes fascinated in this planet’s morning rituals. This is the first time he has lived in such an intimate environment. B.U.D is excited by all the data he collects as everyone finishes getting ready.

When our heroes step outside, the morning dew has long since evaporated. The sun has not yet reached its highest point and the cloudless sky offer no relief to what is sure to be an unusually hot day. There are some people out and about. Some lounging about having idle conversations while others rush to their next appointment. Aside from that, the school is silent. Each footprint echoes off the walls of the dormitories with only the songs of birds to give the world variance. The group makes small talk. With their minds preoccupied by the exam, the talk consistently ends awkwardly.

Image by Manuel Reina from Pixabay

Our heroes arrive at the coliseum. It is a large, impressive stone building, visible from any where in the school. Massive pillars hold up its side. There are large statues, almost as tall as the building itself, of heroes in mid combat. The large gates of the coliseum are open. A small party stand outside, their bodies drenched in sweat. They talk about their class schedule.

The group moves past them, into the large lobby of the coliseum. A few banners hang with the school’s insignia neatly etched into the fabric. Around the edges of the lobby are more statues of heroes, these with name plates and dates decorating their basses. A few tables set up, but only one was occupied. Behind it, a young man who at the moment is slumped over the table, sound asleep in a pool of his own drool. His heaving breathing echoes off the walls of the chamber. The group makes their way towards him.

“Excuse me” Tal says as he gently taps the shoulder of the sleeping figure.

The young man stirs from his slumber. He takes a long blink as he wipes away the drool from the rim of his mouth. “I apologize, I must have dozed off. How may I help you?”. His voice is groggy. He wipes the sleep from his eyes.

“We are here for the exam. We have room 5a. Can you tell us where that is?”

“Oh? So you’re the group” He begins but he catches himself as he seems to remember some terrible truth.  “Um just go down this hall, you can’t miss it”

“The group?” Varus adds suspiciously “What do you mean by that?”

“Yeah, can you tell us about the test” Jalila adds.

The young man lets out a nervous laugh” Oh uh. I’ve said too much. I’m sorry I’m not allowed to say more. I wish you all luck!”

“What can you tell us?” Varus continues to pry, growing more suspicious by the second.

The young man looks around for help but none can be found. A bead of sweat starts to take form on his forehead. He sighs “All I will say is that it will be tough. I wish you luck and good fortune, now I really must take my leave. I have too much work to do.” With that, he stands up and walks away from the group, leaving them alone in the lobby.

Image by Arek Socha from Pixabay

They make their way down the hall. Room 5A stands before them. A small moment of still quiet falls over the group. Tal knocks softly. No answer. Another soft knock, still no answer. The door is unlocked.

The door opens and the smell of stale ale fills the hallway. The room is plain, except for the piles of glass bottles that seem to be everywhere. Underneath one of these piles is a desk, one that feels sticky from this distance. There is no other furniture in the room except for a chair that now holds a sleeping dwarven woman. Her long-matted hair comes down in thick dirty dreadlocks. Her large muscular arms crossed over her chest. She is slumped back against the wall. She snores and the bottles shake as they react to the reverberation of her voice. She doesn’t seem to notice the intruders.

Zarmir uses his glaive to knock at the door frame “Hello?”

Still no response. Zarmir knocks louder. She doesn’t even flinch. With a loud sigh he walks walks up to the dwarf. The smell of stale ale grows thicker.

“Good morning!” he adds Impatiently.

The sleeping dwarf wakes in a jolt. She stares at the intruders, her face not hiding her confusion. There is more silence before she finally says “You’re late!” Her eyes already searching for more liquor.

“Actually, we were early. Waking you up made us late” Zarmir retorts. He doesn’t like this new teacher. She is incredibly unprofessional.

“Oh right” she responds as she continues her search for another drop of liquor. “Well I am Toula, you can call me Toula. No Miss, Mrs, just Toula.” Her voice is rough and gravely. She continues to sift through a pile of bottles on her desk as she talks.

“You, my unlucky friends, have the pleasure of doing the only kind of test that really counts for anything Yours will be a trial by combat. I only have three rules” she continues. She raises a bottle to her eye, shaking for the sound of liquid.

 “One, don’t die. I am not responsible for any deaths. If death is going to be a problem, drop out now.”

All but Varus raise an eyebrow. No one mentioned anything about death. It isn’t even the first day and now death is on the table.

“Two” She raises two fingers up “go all out. Show me what you’re really made of. I need to be entertained. If you aren’t going to do your best” she pauses as she brings a bottle to her nose and sniffs. Satisfied by the scent, she continues “drop out now.

She takes a long gulp. “and three” She pauses, looking as if she is searching for the next answer “play it smart, I will not go in to help you. If you need me to save you, drop out now.”

“What are we fighting?” Varus asks. Aside from B.U.D. He seems the least phased by the new information.

Toula smiles “Now it wouldn’t be any fun if I gave you that”

“Yes there would” Tal responds “it be so much fun” The others nod in agreement.

“In war, you don’t always know what you are fighting before hand. This will test that. Now through those doors is your destiny, go forge a good one” She takes another gulp of alcohol. The group tries to protest but she is already walking to the door. Before leaving she adds “prove to me you deserve my attention”

The Whole Story

D&D

D&D Sessions – Character Introductions

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This is part of a series. Click here for the whole story!

Tal and his brother Zarmir stand in the middle of the crowded field. Zarmir nonchalantly musing about while, fiddling at his cape. Tal makes a quick scans the signs until he finds the grouping that includes their last names. Tal takes the lead and guides his brother through the crowds of students and parents to the table with the letters “Ne-0” printed in front of it.

The two make an unusual pair. Those who look at them would never guess they were brother. Tal is a slender red skin Tiefling, with his hair raven black hair falling to his shoulders. His eyes are a bright yellow. He has two large ram’s horns that come out the front of his forehead and loop around his ears.  There is a freshly polished and painted lute that is strapped to his back. He is dressed in fine linens and would almost resemble a noble if his pants and boots were not sullied with mud and dirt from his travels.

Zarmir the other hand is a stout and tall human male. His broad shoulders and large arms prove to the world that he tirelessly spends his time training. His blue eyes scanning for trouble as he follows his brother. His short black hair is neatly kept. In fact, he keeps himself neatly. His suit is freshly pressed and his boots and pants don’t have a spec of dirt on them. His clothes are all brightly adorned with gold trimmings and his Northman family crest perfectly embroidered on the chest of his jacket. He uses the cape to slightly hide this small detail. Zarmir gows impatient with the whole ordeal. He just wants to get back to training and get stronger.

Tal gets them registered.  They receive a sheet with the words “Sylvan Towers 304” written under room assignment.

“Cool we got the same room” Zarmir says, unable to hide his excitement “we aren’t going to be separated after all!” Tal nods, sharing in the excitement.

Tal thinks for a second. He has seen this name before. He remembers passing the dorm room on their way to sports fields. He remembers how to get back to it.  

“Come brother, I remember the way” Tal says confidently. Zarmir shrugs and follows him without question. Tal was always better at these kinds of things.

Image by Zandria Ross from Pixabay

The brothers are the first to arrive. The door reads 304 and it is decorated with five small pieces of parchment, each with a different name. They recognize their own names, but not the other three.

“I guess we have roommates” Tal says as he reaches out to open the door. The door opens to a large living space, cluttered with neat stacks of boxes, chest, bags and other miscellaneous items. There are 3 reading chairs scattered about the room. There is a small empty fireplace at its center for the winter months. There are two bare shelves on opposite sides of the room.  There is a large window at the end of the room that looks out to the snow-capped mountains behind the school. Under it, a small table with two chairs neatly tucked under it. The large room empties into 4 separate rooms. Each room comes with a bed and a desk, but there is one with a bunk bed. That room is slightly bigger meaning that one of the singles is slightly smaller.

Tal takes a seat on one of the reading chairs and starts to play with his lute. He tunes it for a bit before fiddling with a scale he enjoys. Zarmir finds an empty space on the ground that fits his frame and drops to the floor to do pushups.

Image by Grae Dickason from Pixabay

Jalila makes her way through the crowd effortlessly. Crowds don’t bother her. She is used to moving through the busy city streets of Rexxentrum, and this was a lot more spacious. She looks down at the piece of parchment she was given at orientation. The words “Sylvan Towers 304” neatly written under room assignment. It doesn’t take her long to find the building. Jalila walks down the busy hall. She passes open doors with people talking loudly inside. She passes others carrying large boxes. She reads the numbers, each one getting closer to 304.

Jalila is an unusual creature. Her soft brown completion seems to glow even in the shadow. Her eyes are a pretty golden amber color and one might argue that she is unnaturally beautiful. She doesn’t quite look human, although she mostly is. A symbol of Bast hangs around her neck. In her plain navy blue soldier’s uniform, she stomps through the halls confidently. Some people will stop and stare but she doesn’t take notice, she has a mission.

The door opens and Jalila barges in. Tal stops playing his loot and stares at the curious new figure who now stands at the front of the room. Zarmir continues doing push ups.

Looking at the two guys in her room she says “Oh, so the dorms are coed. Cool. Nothing I haven’t done before.” She takes in the layout of the room. It’s nicer than any place she’s ever stayed at. My name is Jalila. What’s your’s?” her voice assertively filling the room.

“My name is Tal and this” pointing at Zarmir who continues to do push-ups “is my brother Zarmir.”

“ The r is silent” he adds from the floor.

Overcome by obvious bewilderment, she stares at the odd pair and asks “How are you brothers?”

“Adopted” Zarmir adds as he finishes the last of his set. He stands up, towering over Jalila and adds “He’s my adopted brother” Zarmir flexes slightly and inspects his biceps for progress. Satisfied, he puts his hand on Tal’s soldier “We grew up together so as far as I’m concerned, he is my real brother”

“That’s sweet” she replied. She understands the bond between an adopted family all too well. Her guard drops a bit, but the room fills with an awkward silence. Zarmir, looking into the rooms, is the first to break the silence. “I want my own room” he says as he continues with his inspection. He chooses the room he believes is the biggest and begins to fill it with his belongings.

“I don’t mind getting the small room” Tal says as he begins to gather his things. Jalila shrugs and walks towards the last single. She tries to hide the excitement of finally having her own room.

Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay

The door opens a third time. Varus, another tall human, barges in without saying a word or acknowledging the inhabitants. He’s dressed in dark brown leather. A hunter’s cap with the rim bent up slightly. His face is scared and an eyepatch covers his right eye. A small crossbow hangs limply at his side.  He passes the group wordlessly and walks up to a bare wall. He clears his throat and without looking away lets out “My name is Varus Silbarian. What’s your name? Why are you here?”

Tal confused by the new stranger’s mannerism replies “Um. I am Tal and I go to school here. This…”

“I wasn’t talking to you!” Varus interrupts sounding completely annoyed. He turns back to the wall and says “yeah I’m doing pretty good, how are you?”

Tal blinks, unsure on how to react. Finally he gathers himself and a bit annoyed asks “Im sorry…Who are you speaking with?”

Without turning away from the wall Varus says “I’m just talking to Dorthy.” The other two watch, confused by the whole situation.

“Ah Dorthy the door” Tal says, attempting to keep the conversation civil. They would be sharing a room after all.

“Dorthy is not a door” Varus turns looking offended.

“Ah Dorthy the wall, makes sense” Tal says as he rolls his eyes. He does not like this guy.

In an effort to break the awkward tension in the room, Jalila changes the subject. “Does anyone know what the test is on?”

“I hope it’s not a written test” Zarmir shrugs “I don’t know shit”

“Yeah” Tal laughs in agreement. “No one told us there would be a test, I didn’t see it on any of the introductory materials.”

“I don’t think anyone knew. Its kind of weird that they give us a test so early in the year.” Jalila continues trying to keep the conversation going but the conversation fizzles out naturally and they continue to unpack in silence. Tal takes it upon himself to break the silence once again by playing his lute. He plays relaxing melodies for his roommates to unpack to. No one objects.

Image by Computerizer from Pixabay

Across campus, the robot continues to try to get registered, but he is distracted. Ha has never been around this many people, nor has he been to a school before. At this point, people have started avoiding him, creating a clear perimeter around him.  They can’t help but to gawk at B.U.D. and they have good reason to. His body is entirely metallic. The platting that covers his body shines like in the sun. It isn’t flesh that connects the large pieces of armor together, but wires and cables visible through exposed patches. He towers over the crowd, peering over the heads of all the other students and their families. He moves slowly through the crow, distracted by all the new around him. He continues to grab at loose accessories and items until people no longer walk near him.

Eventually B.U.D makes it to the front of the correct table after trying all the other ones. He is intrigued by the concept. A tiny human woman hands him a  piece of parchment. It reads “Sylvan Towers 304” written under room assignment. Without looking at the sheet, he grabs it and sticks it in his mouth.

“Wait no! you need that” a panicked hand reaches up to grab at the sheet of parchment. B.U.D. spits it out, not fully understanding why he couldn’t eat the paper. “It tells you where you need to go” the small woman adds, shaking her head at the strange creature.

“Can I have one of those then?” B.U.D points at the stack of papers on a table behind them.

“No. You need to go find your room” she says slowly, “ You’re in Sylvan Towers 304. Just follow that path and you will see the scenes. I’m sorry I don’t mean to be mean but I have more people I need to help. Good luck and welcome!” She tries desperately to sound enthused. B.U.D nods and walks away from the table down the suggested path. He continues to get distracted by everything.

Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay

The door opens a fourth time. B.U.D. Stands on the other side with his arms full of pieces of parchments, like the ones posted on the room doors. “Can you believe they just leave these for anyone to take?” he adds as he walks through the door. He takes a step inside and pops one of the pieces into his mouth, this time swallowing before anyone could react.

He looks around, the 4 who were already in the room stare back blankly.  astonished and confused by this odd specimen, no one knows quite what to say.

“Hi” he finally says, breaking the minutes of silence. “My designation is Biomechanical Universal Diplomat, but you can call me B.U.D. It is very nice to meet you all” he adds with a slight respectful bow of the head. Taken aback by the tall new creature in the room they all introduce themselves. B.U.D towers over his new friends.

“Oh man. Check this place out you guys, and girl. Its so big!” He says as he walks to a corner, inspects it for moment and says “This is a pretty cool corner. Did you guys see this corner? I claim this corner if no one has claimed it yet!”

“No…that’s fine” Tal says, not quite understanding the situation. “Do you not need to sleep”

“I do a bit, but that’s why I picked this awesome corner.” Bud pops another piece of parchment into his mouth. The others look at him curiously. “Oh do you guys want some? They have these everywhere.” He begins to offer a sheet to Zarmir”

“No I’m good” he answers “I’m just going to be in my room. I will see you tomorrow.” And with that, he closes the door behind him. No one else takes his offer, and he gleefully continues to snack on parchment.

“Why are you eating parchment?” Jalila asks finally.

“I’m collecting data” B.U.D replies.

“Data? Data for what?” Tal joins in.

“Data for the Mother Ship”

“What’s the Mother Ship?”

“It’s the mother ship. I was sent here to collect data for the mother ship.”

“Sent? Sent from where?” Tal continues to ask. It seems the more he talked to B.U.D, the more confused he seemed to become.

“I was sent from the mother ship” Clearly this conversation wasn’t going anywhere. Tal gives up on his interrogation.

They spend the rest of the night unpacking and exchanging more awkward conversation. They talk about what they think the test, but no one does anything to prepare for it. They all go to bed, all sharing different levels of anxiety. A new chapter to their adventure has just begun.

The Whole Story

Movie Reviews

Peanut Butter Falcon (2019)

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I am going to try to do different format of reviews, one that is shorter and serves more as a recommendations of films I believe everyone should watch at least once.

If you haven’t seen it or heard of this movie, this is one you should not sleep on. The movie follows Zak who, because of his disabilities, isn’t allowed to live his life. He is trapped as the youngest patient in an assisted living facility for the elderly. Frustrated with the restraints society has forced onto him, he runs away.. You see, it is Zak’s dream to become like the wrestler that he idolizes. To realize this dream, Zak makes it his goal to attend the school of wrestling ran by his idol. It is on this journey that he meets up with Tyler who not only decides to help him, but they form a strong lasting bond along the way.

This is a story of discovery, of new beginnings, and a freedom that can only be on the open road. It is about achieving your goals at the face of adversity. Simply watching these two on screen together should be reason enough for you to at least check it out. Their on screen chemistry is nothing to overlook, and by the end of it, you trully believe there is a lasting bond between the two characters. It is a really heartwarming story and one that is done very well. Although not without its flaws, it is one that should be next in your queue.  You wont regret it. If you have seen it, let me know what you thought about it. Or let me know if you would like me to do a deeper analysis of the movie. Thank you!

Movie Reviews

Red Rover (2018) Review

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Red Rover is a movie that proves that a movie doesn’t need a huge budget to tell a story. Although the story of the movie is not the best, it is able to create a fluid one.

The movie starts with introducing the main character Damon, who by all accounts fits the loser trope. He is nonathletic and a bit overweight, he is meek, he works for a shitty boss that constantly takes advantage, and he lives in the basement of his ex’s house. He seems to be losing control of his life as he loses his job and his ex her new boyfriend has asked him to move out. It is when he is at his lowest that the mystical force of Phoebe comes to give his life purpose again.

The biggest issue with this movie is this relationship. Through what I would call magic, Phoebe seems to sense that Damon needs her and comes to his rescue. When they meet, it is late at night and alone at the beach while Damon combs the beach with a metal detector. Phoebe has no issue approaching this strange man and gives him the hope he needed when he was the most down. Now the rest of the movie is about the change that she brings to his life as she helps Damon with his goal to go to mars. There is a contest to go to mars, but that isn’t incredibly important.

Now Phoebe is a modern-day manic pixie. She is quirky, bubbly, free spirited and the opposite of what Damon is. But she is also exactly what he needs. This makes the film seem more like a fantasy that Damon has made up because it doesn’t necessarily make sense. Fate keeps them constantly bumping into each other and she seems to always know what to say to make Damon feel better. Like I said, it isn’t the best story, but they are able to tell it well considering their small budget.

But this film does keep the same quirky tone throughout, which I thought works for this movie. It doesn’t get annoying and I honestly had a lot of fun watching it. What I thought it did well was the date scene. It is a carnival montage, but instead of having it set to the tune of a pop song, it is a conversation between the two. It works incredibly well here because as they date progresses and they get closer; you can also hear it in the conversation. A conversation that adds depth to both of their characters by not only providing back story, but also insight into who they are as people. Albeit not the most original back story, but it works well enough to make the characters a bit more memorable.

Now this isn’t going to be the best movie experience you will have this year, but it does its job to entertain. You will need to suspend your disbelief on parts of the movie and it does feel like a fantasy of a man going through his midlife crisis, but it’s a fun movie to watch. Maybe one you don’t have to pay too much attention to. It is impressive what they can achieve with such a small budget and it should merit a watch just on that alone. I would be curious to see what else the film makers can do with a bigger budget and I will be looking out for what else they are able to come up with.

 

Movie Reviews

Aladdin (2019) – Review

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The recent trend of rebooting past series a modernizing them leaves me a bit uneasy. On one hand, it is nice to see a new generation experiencing media that was formative for my cultural identity, but on the other hand it is easy for greed to make such unique ideas come out incredibly generic. I also understand that it is easy for nostalgia to create an unfair bias against a movie that would otherwise be considered good. I will not be comparing the movie to the original but instead be focusing on its own merits. Because of this I will not go into too much plot summary since most people should at least be somewhat familiar with the plot of the movie.

The movie starts off as a framed narrative that sets the tone for the rest of the movie. The narrator of the story is Will Smith, and if you haven’t figured it out, this is a Will Smith movie. Now I am not saying that Smith is a bad actor, he is not, I am saying that his overbearing presence seems hurts the movie because most of everything else doesn’t fit the tone. My biggest issue with the recent reboots is the star studded cast. Seems like most of these movie’s cast people not because they fit the roll, but because it will give the movie more name recognition. Unfortunately, this movie is hurt by it’s star.

Will Smith as Genie isn’t a bad choice by any means. Some of his delivery is solid and his singing is good enough to be in the movie, but they make his presence suffocating. They are really trying to get the most out of Smith for what they paid for. Because of this, there is an uninteresting love plot between Genie and the handmaiden that only comes to light because the plot demands it. Some of the songs are modernized so that Smith can have a solo and while sometimes it is ok, they ruin it by adding rap to it. I know Smith had a career as a rapper and I have nothing against rap music, I like it, but it is a problem when an otherwise great song has its rhythm halted because they want to reach the teens in the audience. I can honestly say that this movie is all about Genie and less about the forbidden love story that they keep cutting back as it is remembered. While he isn’t the worst choice for the Genie, I would have liked it better if the focus was on the story instead of Genie shenanigans.

Because of his overreaching presence, the main characters feel like supporting characters. Any of the character development, as little as there is, is kind of briefly mention and that really hurts this movie. This is a movie that is meant to be about breaking out of traditional roles and labels and becoming the truest self. These big moments are rushed because they spend so much time on unnecessary filler. When Jazmin finally fights back and when Aladdin finally accepts who he is, it doesn’t feel as big because there was little in this movie to show them working for that. Sure the musicals numbers suggest that the plot is moving in that direction, but this is the equivalent to an exposition dump. It really does hurt the narrative when the journey to character growth is summarized in song instead of having meaningful scenes that show the growth. I would have rather they removed some of the Genie scenes and Genie’s love interest and replaced it instead with scenes with the actual main characters.

The movie feels incredibly stiff because most of it is shot on green screen. I am not a huge fan of CGI because some of it looks ugly, and this movie has some ugly scenes and that was a huge distraction for me. Some scenes lose their effect as a result. For example, the carpet ride looks cheap and the actors look incredibly uncomfortable. It doesn’t feel magical nor does it feel like they are making any sort of real connection. It is feels like two people standing in front of a camera, swaying occasionally for effect.

In closing, this movie isn’t anything remarkable. It is put together like a bunch of Genie sketches with only the thinnest amount of plot to move you to the next Genie scene. If you have kids, this isn’t the worst movie you will have to sit through. It is honestly one of the best if not the best Disney live action ones I have seen so far. It’s fun enough to watch, but it probably won’t be remembered.

Movie Reviews

Earth Girls are Easy (1988) Review

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What can I say about this movie except that if you haven’t seen it, you definitely should. It isn’t the gripping story arch, in depth character development, nor its attention to detail world building that makes this a great movie. This movie has very little, if any, of these elements. Instead, it is the explosion of 80’s nostalgic madness that you have the pleasure to experience. And this movie is 80’as fuck! From the music to the set and costume design, you will get your nostalgia fix.

Aliens on a search for women find themselves at Earth’s doorstep. Specifically, in the pool of the main character Valerie Gale. Valerie has had her world turned upside down after discovering that her fiancé, the man who she was to marry in two weeks, is a cheater. Distraught and alone, she throws herself a pity party when the aliens come and interrupt it. Quickly realizing they are aliens’ shenanigans happen until they can communicate with Valerie that they are friendly. A quick changing montage musical number later and boom they are transformed into human men. The idea that these furry creatures can be turned into good looking men with the help of pounds of make-up is comical and is akin to the tone of the movie, but I digress. Now, the newly human aliens must wait for the pool to be drained so that they can leave earth and continue their search. In the meantime, they get to experience Californian culture as tourists. And this of course is the cause of a lot of shenanigans.

Sure, it is a bit slap sticky, and the bits drag on longer than they should in some points, but the ride is well worth the trouble. If it isn’t enough to ogle at a shirtless young Jeff Goldblum, you will get a lot of silly musical numbers as well as a reminder of aspects form the 80’s you probably haven’t thought about since the 90’s. The music in this movie is pretty great and echo the film’s lack of seriousness. Everything is bouncy, upbeat and erratic as if the film itself is fueled by the same mountains of cocaine that were used to write and direct it. And all of this madness and chaos just works!

Be forewarned however, this movie might be offensive for modern audience. I can see where it can be problematic and sexist, but this isn’t a movie that should be taken seriously. And it shouldn’t. This spastic journey into Southern California culture through the lens of aliens is just something fun you put on when you don’t want to follow a complicated plot or travel through back to the wackiest parts of the 90’s.

I definitely recommend this movie not for its groundbreaking impact it has on cinema, it has non, but for the fun ride you will get to experience. It is incredibly cheesy and over the top though, so if that isn’t your scene, then this isn’t the movie for you. In conclusion, Valley girls are easy.

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Good Time (2017) Review

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If you want to know what it means to be anxious, watch this movie. The tension, the acting, the suspense and the pacing will have you at the edge of your seat as you watch bad decision after bad decision being made. To put it simply, you get to feel what it is like to be truly cornered by an inescapable fate and it is an amazing ride.

The movie follows Connie Nikas who is on the run from the law after a bank robbery goes wrong. Now he must avoid getting caught as he tries his hardest to get his brother out of custody. His brother gets caught after they robbed the bank. Now it is a race against time.  What makes this movie amazing is how it creates tension through small details that constantly present themselves as he tries to stay hidden. It is clear early on that this isn’t going to be easy for Connie, and it shouldn’t be. While on the run, Connie will pass multiple cops who are currently hunting him down. You learn that Connie is kind of a piece of shit, and you learn through his failed attempts to find asylum that he has no where to go. What do you do when you have no where to hide? You run! And there is a lot of running in this movie. This is a high octane; high tension movie and you will have no choice but to echo the small sighs of relief and respite that Connie finds through out his journey. And these moments are few and become more far in between as he digs himself deeper and deeper into trouble.

As a character, Connie is brilliant. He only cares about two things, himself and his brother and it is echoed throughout the movie as he does whatever it takes to get his brother back. He does so even if it means hurting and using both the people he knows and strangers. Connie is smart, despite his continually making bad decisions. When faced with a problem, he is quick to make decisions. The lies he forms, the quick change in appearance, how easily he seems to move from one problem to the next suggest that he is a veteran at his craft. But he is not the traditional cool headed, or even hot-headed action hero thief as seen in similar films. As he gets more and more cornered, you see him start to break. You can see the toll the chase is taking on him. He is tired, he is thirsty, he is desperate and that makes him human. Being human is important because it adds to the tension in the film. You feel that at any moment, his journey will end with one mistake. And as his journey progresses, you can see that he is learning from it. The key is that through all this chaos, he does experience personal growth and he ends up at the end of the movie changed by the outcome, even if it isn’t the traditional bad ass that we have become accustomed to. Robert Pattinson’s performance alone should be reason to watch the film.

If you haven’t seen this movie, I would definitely recommend it. If you saw Uncut Gems and liked it, then you should watch the far better older brother. It’s a great movie for those who love thrillers but are tired of the same tired formula.

Movie Reviews

1BR Review

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It is another creepy cult movie. A decently done yet still generic film that you shouldn’t spend too much time looking for.

The film starts off with Sarah trying to create a new start in LA. Unfortunately, this new start is brought to her by the creepy cult that owns the 1-bedroom apartment that is about to be the cause of the drama in this movie. Let me say that this movie does a poor job at creating the suspense needed to set the tone that it wishes to achieve. Most plot points are loudly telegraphed through random long shots. When she spends her first night in the complex, the camera pans away from Sara and stops on the units blinking fire alarm. This is obviously a hidden camera set up to watch her and it will most definitely come up later. I do not have a problem with symbolism, but it is ridiculous how much symbolism this film will try to throw at the audience. It is as if the director doesn’t have faith that the audience can come to their own conclusions so the film will constantly hand hold, taking away any creepy tone it was asking for.

Movies of a similar genre are successful because of the suspicion. Take the original Stepford Wives film, although flawed, it presents the audience with this suburban utopia, but it also gives the audience bits and pieces of flaws in society that suggest something nefarious is afoot. You have the women malfunctioning, you have strong independent women suddenly becoming subservient, and you along with the character feel that there is something wrong with the town. In 1BR, you never really get that feeling because you know from the start what is wrong so there is no point in watching the rest.

This movie is incredibly generic. It doesn’t take long for the tenants to take Sarah to try to reprogram her to see the truth. A truth written by some dead guy about the importance of community. It is through these generic tenants that the cult is created and then you just watch her do a whole lot of nothing. The torture is simple and as hard as it tries to emulate other movies that do it, they do it very poorly. Brain washing consists of her stating in an uncomfortable position for hours only being fed once a day with a nasty looking milkshake. The film suggests that hours of standing in this isolated room in the apartment that she rented, hunger, and finally the nails that go through her hands (possibly Christ-like) are enough to brain washing her into joining this society.

The brainwashing obviously doesn’t work and at this point you are halfway through the movie with little hope of it getting better. It zooms past all the tropes presented in far better movies in order to stay within the genre, for example the idea that man is corrupt and selfish and through this new cult, all of man’s problems will be solved. They also do a whole scene where they kill their oldest member because she is no longer of use. Even the big escape and the twist are anti-climactic. There isn’t really any saving grace to this film. I wouldn’t waste my time watching this movie unless it was free. Even then, there are far better movies in this genre you could be watching. This was a pretty meh attempt at brining the genre to an urban setting.

 

Movie Reviews

Stuber (2019) Review

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It’s another buddy cop movie, and not a very good one at that. Even worse, it’s an update to the movie Taxi. Same general idea but surprisingly not as good. If you can get this one for free, go for it. It isn’t a terrible sit, but I wouldn’t pay for this movie because It’s not really worth it. It is incredibly generic save for the forced politically correct jokes that it will interrupt the flow of the movie with. There are scenes where they will play these jokes as an odd nod to millennials and it does not work. Is this a new trend? I saw a lot of this in the newest Men in Black movie and it was honestly distracting. I do not have an issue with these types of jokes mind you, but I do have an issue with how they are delivered in these movies. Often times it will be in the middle of a random scene where the politically correct token character will stop the scene in order to correct something insensitive that was said. Once in a while, sure this might be a funny jest and get a decent chuckle but when it happens every time it loses it’s effectiveness. And in this movie, it becomes a little preachy. I don’t want to be preached at when I am watching a comedy.

Kamail Nanjiani is a token in this movie. His role could have been casted by anyone with a similar build. He is wasted in this film. The acting is not terrible, and you will get some chuckles out of it, but you will not remember watching this movie. The movie does very little to stand out, save for constantly mentioning uber. Batista plays a big dude and they will take every opportunity they get to point that out. Nanjiani is a skinny loser and they will take every opportunity to make sure you know that he is. Like every other movie, they will not get along but because of their journey together they will ultimately forge a lasting meaningful friendship. That is to say, they will become friends because the script says they should.

There isn’t anything deeper to this film and I know that I shouldn’t have gone into this film expecting such but I at least expected some kind of story. Instead what you get is just these caricatures being moved from joke to joke as they are forced to grow closer to one another as is tradition with this genre of film. All this is loosely inter-weaved into some drug case that I honestly forgot was a thing until the very end. The driving force behind this whole adventure merely comes forth in small segments in between all the jokes about uber and bickering between the lead. In the end, several plot points are breezed by and some of them are forgotten if not hastily tied together because they have to remind you what UBER is again.

All in all let’s call this film what it really is, a giant commercial for UBER. The films will stop multiple times to explain different aspects of the app on both the rider and driver side. Take these out and the PC jokes and the movie sadly becomes hollow because there is nothing more to this movie. Who wants to pay money to watch an UBER ride? All in all it is not the hardest sit, there are worse out there, but don’t pay money for this. This is a movie you throw in the background while you do chores or Netflix and chill if that is still a thing.