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Movie Review: Marry Me

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Marry Me is a shamelessly lazy vanity project about a down-to-earth pop star trying to find true love. Don’t waste your time with this movie, it is bad. There is a big unignorable hole in this already shaky plot; there is no way a teacher can afford tickets that close to the stage.

In the movie, JLO and Maluma are world-renowned music sensations who make history with their lazily composed music. They are about to get married on stage at the world’s most anticipated concert until the script complicates things. I looked up BTS tickets because that seemed the most comparable comparison and tickets that close to the stage run around $3000 on ticket master before the fees. That means the tickets to have Owen Wilson that close to the stage would have cost more than $10,000. This being a once-in-a-lifetime event would have made the tickets more expensive. Adele tickets once sold for $78,000. It is fair to assume that these tickets would be unattainable on a teacher’s salary. If there are no tickets, Owen Wilson can’t marry JLO and there is no movie.

But unfortunately, there is a movie and it is bad. I don’t know what is worse, Maluma’s acting or the writing. Whenever the writing hits the wall, they use social media footage as a transition. It is awkward and it slows down an already slow movie.

Let’s be honest, this is JLO’s vanity project. She plays an idealized version of herself. Every bit of JLO’s dialogue is a terribly cheesy speech about love. Acting aside, her fake-deep speeches get insufferable. Every scene exists to show how nice and positive JLO always is despite her hectic lifestyle. JLO might be nice in real life, but this was exaggerated to a fantastical degree. 

 I have seen enough JLO movies to know that she plays the same character in each one. A down-to-earth kind whatever trying to find love, and each time it somehow gets worse. At least in this movie, she is proactive. You add the lazily composed music throughout and this movie becomes even harder to sit through.

This is a lazy and shameless cash grab, do not watch it.

Movie Reviews

Huslers (2019) Review

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I didn’t expect much from this movie going into it, and I was not wrong. I will say it now, skip this movie because there is nothing that saves it, not even the fan service.

My biggest problem with this film is the narration. I hate narration in any form because of how lazy it is. Narration, in my opinion, is an easy cop out to sound deep. It is a device used by filmmakers when they do not have faith in their audience to come up with their own conclusions. Therefore, narration is used as a way to railroad the audience into having a certain opinion of the film. In this movie’s case, it was to hammer in some form of sympathy for the strippers. The narration itself is boring, it lacks any emotion and it feels as if Constance Wu is reading outload. Why should I care if the person telling the story doesn’t. Wu is also an unreliable narrator. What she says, how she says it, and the actual events suggest that her story isn’t the whole story. You will be stuck listening to a story that doesn’t matter.

There isn’t enough story in this plot to flesh out a full movie. As a result, this movie has a lot of unnecessary padding. These include pointless cameos, comic relief characters serving their purpose, there is even a scene where they open Christmas presents. They try incredibly hard to make you empathize with the strippers, but it is hard to do when they are screwing over innocent people. Take out these scenes, and you have a far shorter yet equally uninteresting movie.

There is too much to say about this terrible movie. Do not watch this as there is no saving grace. Even the fan service that this movie provides, and it provides a small amount, doesn’t save this movie. It’s a movie with a bunch of poorly acted scenes stringed together with terrible narration. Spend your time elsewhere. If you are thinking about watching it for the fan service, don’t bother, just watch the scenes on youtube.