I was very excited about Guillermo Del Toro’s Pinocchio. I believed that Del Toro’s artistic vision would bring new life to this ancient fairy tale, but sadly I was mistaken. This movie ended up being a huge disappointment that I struggled to finish.
There is no real need for a synopsis. This movie is the story of Pinocchio set against the backdrop of WWI-era Italy voiced by British actors.
I wish this movie was voiced in Italian because I was not a fan of any of the voices. The singing would have been more tolerable in Italian. If the voices don’t turn you off this movie, the singing sure will. Admittedly, I am not a fan of musicals, but I at least expect the singing to be good and the songs to be catchy. This version of the fairy tale chooses to be a musical without any talented singers or catchy songs to alleviate you from the boring narrative.
The story may have been well-intentioned as it touches on an important moment in history, but it unravels much too slowly. With the added musical numbers, this movie feels longer than it is. This felt like someone was trying to tell in Guillermo Del Toro’s style, but it was an attempt that fails miserably.
This adaptation may look pretty, but it lacks any real substance. I was not impressed. Once again I am disappointed by another of Guillermo Del Toro’s projects, and it is becoming difficult to remain supportive.
You can stream Pinocchio on Netflix, but I wouldn’t bother. I understand that this movie is in select theaters, but that would be a waste of your money.
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The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special (2022) Review
The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special will pass the time if you have nothing else to watch. While it may not be the worst entry to the MCU, it isn’t the breath of fresh air it promises to be. I thought it was fine, but I wouldn’t watch it again.
The special picks up with a devastated Flynn as he mourns the loss of Gamora. In an effort to cheer up Flynn, Mantis and Drax go on an adventure. They fly to earth in order to bring Flynn some Christmas joy, but they become distracted by Earth’s strange customs. The film focuses on the shenanigans of Drax and Mantis as they try to find Kevin Bacon.
The series is just okay, but it isn’t anything special. At least it isn’t something I would rush to. The performances were fine, and even got a few laughs out of it, but you have to sit through a lot of improv. There isn’t a real structure to this movie. Instead, this movie feels like a collection of skits, some of which go on for too long. You will not hate this if you watch it, so throw it on when you need a break from all those Hallmark movies I am sure you’ve been binging.
I don’t have anything else to say because this was a mediocre Christmas special. I wasn’t even going to review it because I found it unremarkable. It wasn’t bad, but it isn’t going to become a holiday staple. I wouldn’t go out of my way to watch it, but if you need something to watch, sure. You can stream it on Disney+.
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Movie Review: Underwater (2022)
Underwater was a stressful endeavor that I recommend to those seeking a solid horror movie you can stream from the comfort of your home. While it may not be perfect, it has far exceeded my expectations. If your heart isn’t racing by the end of this movie, then you were probably watching something different.
Through our ever-growing hubris, humanity has begun to mine the ocean floor for its resources. This impossible task is engineered by a corporation with a mysterious agenda. An enormous mining operation sits at the bottom of the ocean floor until disaster rattles at its security. The rig begins to fail, forcing its few survivors to scramble for the surface. But their only chance sits miles away. They must venture into the dark ocean and hope their supplies don’t run out. But there is something evil swimming in the darkness. Will they ever get to see the surface again?
I liked this movie a lot. The suspense was well-built, the acting was solid, and the story was fine for what it is. It does follow the familiar formula that other movies in this genre do, but the execution was good enough that it didn’t matter. My only real complaint about this movie is that there are some confusing scenes. These scenes are dark, poorly rendered, or very shaky. I would have to sit and wait for the scene to finish to understand what just happened. This might have been done deliberately in an effort to emulate what the survivors were feeling, but it didn’t always work. It wasn’t bad enough to ruin the experience, but it is something I have to mention.
One thing I do recommend if you choose to watch this movie is to avoid the trailer because it contains spoilers. It is not a huge deal because you can probably guess what is going to happen as you watch the movie, but it is something to consider if you care about spoilers. I will include the trailer below because I always do, but you have been warned.
It has been a while since I have sat through a movie that has left me this stressed out about life. Yes, the plot was predictable, but I didn’t care because I was enjoying the ride. If you are looking for a solid survival horror movie, go stream Underwater on Hulu.
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Movie Review: Troll (2022)
The Kaiju genre has been growing stale lately. With my recent dispointment in Godzilla Vs. Kong, I had little faith that Troll would be a good movie. I thought this film would be another of Netlix’s generic attempts at a genre, but I was pleasantly surprised when Troll turned out to be a fantastic Kaiju movie.
Nora is a respected paleontologist on the verge of discovery when a giant monster wakes from its slumber. A troll now roams the Norwegian countryside bringing with it destruction and mayhem. Nora might be the only person on Earth with the knowledge to stop the troll. Can she do it before the troll destroys Norway?
Troll is a beautiful entry into the genre with its fantastic actors, great story, and amazing action. This movie takes advantage of Norway’s beautiful landscape, and I recommend this so that you can enjoy Norway’s breathtaking beauty. The monster design for the troll is also fantastic. I was scared Troll would have a terribly rendered, but the CGI in this movie is phenomenal.
I don’t speak Norwegian, but it sounded like the acting was good. The movie does offer dubbing in different languages, but I recommend you watch it in the original tongue for an authentic experience. Nora is a great protagonist, and her actor carries this movie. I found it refreshing when the lead of this movie was a competent, strong, and independent woman. Nora is a terrific character because she isn’t too perfect while remaining a believable badass. Excuse my language; Nora is a badass.
The story is well done. It is easy to follow while giving its audience enough information to follow along. I know nothing about Norwegian Folklore, but this movie gave me enough to understand what was going on without slowing down the pacing. I feel like we’ve come to the point where recent Kaiju movies follow a tired old formula. Troll does touch on some of the genre’s staples but still tells its unique narrative. Best of all, this movie doesn’t waste time on a pointless romantic subplot. Although one may be implied, Nora is only here to stop the troll.
The action is really cool in this movie. The mayhem, the carnage, and the fighting all come together to form a fantastic narrative. There is a bit of propaganda as you get to see the full extent of Norway’s military prowess. There are scenes dedicated to showcasing how well equipt the Norwegian military is. It does slow down the action a bit, but it never gets distracting. Regardless of this minor slowdown, this is an exciting movie. I was on the edge of my seat while I watched Nora save the world.
Troll has made me hopeful for the Kaiju genre. I can only hope that this is the start of something great. If you haven’t seen it, go watch Troll now. It is a unique entry to the genre, and you can stream it now on Netflix.
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Movie Review: Emergency (2022)
Emergency is a fantastic movie that you need to watch. While this movie may be packaged as another Hangover clone, it proves to be much more meaningful. Emergency uses the tired old formula of the genre to make important criticism about racial inequality. This is a movie will make you laugh, but it will also make you think. It isn’t an uncomfortable movie, but its message is real and important.
Kunla, Sean, and Carlos just want one night of epic partying in their last year of college. They decide to go on the blackout tour, a night where they hit all the biggest parties on campus. Their plans get complicated when they come home to discover a passed-out white girl in their living room. The optics don’t look good because they are men of color, and the young white girl is drunk and possibly drugged. They decide that the best course of action is to take her to the hospital so that she can get the help she needs. Unfortunately, this act of kindness leads to the worst night of their lives.
I love this movie. The acting is fantastic, and the chemistry the leads share is infectious. The story is phenomenal. This is a well-made movie.
Emergency differentiates itself from the rest of the genre through its unique narrative. The shenanigans and challenges the leads face during the night aren’t caused by drinking and partying but rather by their race. The characters are limited in what they can do because of the color of their skin. The movie does a fantastic job of contrasting what they are allowed to do against what the white students can. They can’t call the police or do much because they could be arrested or have their reputations destroyed. It is a difficult situation that they continue to be in because they are constantly facing challenges due to their race. The movie does a fantastic job of balancing the humor and messaging to make an effective narrative without it being preachy or difficult to watch. The intention of this movie isn’t to shame or guilt, but rather to share an important point of view that often gets ignored.
This movie became very real for me because it is an issue that I am familiar with. I am constantly being made aware of my race and am limited on what I can do because I have to always worry about the optics. Am I looking menacing when I am walking in the park playing Pokemon GO? Do I look like I am about to steal when I am shopping for groceries? These are just a few thoughts that go through my head on a daily basis. I have to constantly be adjusting how I present myself so that I don’t get in trouble for existing. It is a trauma I have always carried with me, and one that I will continue to carry.
This movie does a fantastic job of showing this trauma through a familiar narrative. I don’t mean to scare you or make you uncomfortable with my analysis. Emergency is a fantastic comedy, but it gets serious when it needs to. It is charming, funny, and a very refreshing take on a tired old genre. Check it out on Amazon if you have a Prime membership.
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Movie Review: Fantasy Football (2022)
Fantasy Football is another kid’s wish sports movie you’ve seen before. The gimmicks, slang, and magic used in this movie have been updated to fit into modern pop culture, but it follows the same tired formula. While it may not be the worst movie you will watch with your kids, it isn’t a great one either. Fantasy Football is fine for what it is, but it won’t be winning any awards.
Callie’s dad is a professional football player that is constantly being traded. As a result, her family moves around a lot, and playing Madden is Callie’s only constant. All she wants is to have a place she can call her home, but moving makes this impossible. When they move to Atlanta, Callie and her family have hope that this will be their final move. Callie joins a club and is starting to make friends. But hope starts to fade as her father’s career isn’t going well. Her father is getting older and is no longer as skilled as he used to be. He is overshadowed by the up-and-coming talent that surrounds him. At their lowest, a wish is made that will change everything. Callie finds that she can control her dad through her game. Together they start winning games and creating headlines. Can Callie balance her new life and her father’s career? Will the Falcons make it to the Super Bowl?
This movie is as cookie-cutter as it gets; there is no getting around it. One thing to note, there is a lot of shameless product placement in this movie. This is essentially a giant commercial for Madden and the NFL. It is still one of the better commercials I’ve seen, but it is something to keep in mind.
Fantasy Football is fine for a kids’ movie. The writing is sloppy and problematic at points, but it is good enough. The acting is inconstant, but there is only so much that can be done with this script. There is also no chemistry between the actors. Callie is a solid lead, although her story is a bit of a fumble. The emotional moments don’t hit as hard because there isn’t any proper development for any of them. This movie focuses mainly on Football and Madden, so Callie never gets a chance to develop her character or create the meaningful relationships the movie tells you she does. There’s enough story to make it a kids’ movie, but I found it a little lazy. You have to suspend all your disbelief for this movie to work, but you are probably not the target audience.
Although I found some of the dialogue problematic, I appreciate this story being about people of color. As a person of color, it’s nice to see that kids are starting to get movies with a more diverse representation. It meant a lot to me as a kid when I finally got to see people that looked like me on TV, and I can only imagine it is true for kids today. Fantasy Football is a step in the right direction toward more positive and diverse stories, but we still have ways to go.
What I liked most about this movie is that it doesn’t have a tangible villain. I found it interesting that the villain in this movie is pride. The dad may have a rival, but the rival isn’t a terrible person that needs to be defeated. Instead, it is pride that complicates the narrative and creates the adversities the characters need to overcome. The dad consumed with pride fails to see how his actions make him selfish. Callie, consumed by her father’s pride, is forced to make a difficult decision. It is refreshing to see characters not have to overcome some cartoonishly evil villain, but something more personal. It isn’t done well, but I appreciate that there was an attempt.
I have sat through worse movies than Fantasy Football. Don’t go out of your way to watch this movie because it isn’t worth it, but you won’t hate it if you have to watch it with your kids. You will get bored, but trust me, it could be worse. You can stream it on Paramount+.
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Movie Review: The People We Hate At The Wedding (2022)
The People We Hate At The Wedding is another case of a fantastic cast wasted on a lazy movie. If you are interested in this movie, I suggest watching Brides Maids or Bride Wars instead. This movie feels like a cheap improved version of these movies, and it isn’t worth your time.
The movie focuses on a group of step-siblings who have grown estranged over the years. To reunite the family and mend the bond between them, the eldest invites her family to her wedding. But things are tense between the step-siblings, and things don’t go as planned. Instead of a happy reunion, there is sloppy chaos spilling onto the streets of London. It seems as if all the tension straining their relationship has reached its boiling point. Can they work through their issues and come together as a family before the wedding? Yes, they do. This movie sucks.
The acting is easily the best part, but I wish the story was better. The actors do a great job with what they are given and even share some terrific chemistry, but they can only do so much. The characters are a collection of misfortune and bad decisions without much more depth to them outside of being assholes. The story is a collection of poorly improved skits that go too long and pandering emotional moments that don’t land as they should. Whatever cookie-cutter narrative this film tries to develop throughout its run times instantly becomes predictable. I don’t know which is worse: the boring predictable plot or the jokes that go on for too long.
I liked that the focus is on a family that isn’t perfect, but there isn’t a real story here. This movie has too many plots, none of them which are given the proper time to develop. As a result, this movie takes too long to set up various big moments but then rushes through them to get to the end credits. This makes for a very disappointing conclusion to a movie without much direction.
Don’t watch this movie. It isn’t funny, heartwarming, or entertaining. Other movies have done this story a lot better. Go watch those instead. But for those still interested, you can watch it on Amazon if you have a Prime Membership.
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Movie Review: Disenchanted (2022)
Disenchanted is another lazy sequel from Disney that no one asked for. This lazy and uninspired kids’ film is a waste of time, don’t bother streaming it. If you are a fan of Enchanted, watch that instead. If you have to watch it with your kids, you’re going to be bored.
Giselle is a Disney princess that has made a life for herself in the real world but finds difficulty adjusting. In an effort to have her happily ever after, the family moves out of the city and into a small town. The transition isn’t easy it puts a strain on the family, specifically on the relationship between Giselle and her stepdaughter. In her moment of desperation, Gisselle makes the wish that will change everything. Gizelle wishes for her stepdaughter to have the fairy tale life she deserves, but this wish comes with unintended consequences.
I already forgot I watched this movie because it is dull. This movie is lazy, and the plot has been done better elsewhere. This is the plot of all those slapstick babysitter movies that keep coming out, but a lot less funny and with a lot more singing. Giselle is nice and means well, but her moody teenage daughter doesn’t understand. It is by the end of the adventure that the daughter understands Giselle and learns to appreciate her as a mother. It is as cheesy and poorly written as you can imagine.
Disenchanted does attempt to poke fun at the fairy tale genre but isn’t good at making its criticism. This movie is a collection of songs sloppily strung together with a poorly written narrative and terrible meta-jokes. I am glad that at least the singing was good. If no one is singing in this movie, nothing is happening. I hate musicals, but I found myself wishing for anyone to start to sing just for something to start happening.
While the songs and singing are fine, I hope your kids don’t fall in love with Disenchanted. The endless loop of this movie will kill you.
This movie is boring, and there is no getting around it. If you have to watch this with your kids, you will be bored. At least the singing is nice, and you won’t be confused with the plot, but these remain negligible consolations. You can stream it on Disney+, but I wouldn’t bother.
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Movie Review: Slumberland (2022)
Slumberland is fine for what it is. You won’t hate it if you have to sit through it. If you are looking for a movie to watch for family night, give Slumberland a try.
Nemo is a young girl who loses her father and now has to live with the grief that comes with this loss. She is sent to live with her uncle, who by all accounts is a boring man living a boring life. Nemo is overcome with grief and seeks to escape her reality. She finds that she has the ability to travel through dreams. Now she and a scrappy outlaw named Flip set out on an adventure to find magic pearls that will allow her to see her dad again. Can they find these fabled pearls before the nightmare consumes them?
I didn’t hate this movie. It certainly has its moments, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to watch it. I zoned out a bit as it is predictable and cheesy, but I am not the target audience. The acting is fine, the story is cute, and the special effects are good for a kids’ movie. I expect the dreams to be crazy surrealism, but they are fine here.
What I loved most about this movie is how it handles grief and depression. I like Nemo going through the stages of grief is set up like a fantastical adventure. It was nice to see her change throughout her adventure and slowly work through her loss. The ending was a bit cheesy and predictable, but I am also not the target audience.
Slumberland isn’t anything spectacular, but it doesn’t suck. I thought the characters outside of Nemo were bland, but I believe that is the point. I wouldn’t go out of my way to watch it, but it’ll do for family night. You can stream it on Netflix.
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Movie Review: Spirited (2022)
Spirited has released just in time to disappoint you for the holidays. If you are looking for a good holiday movie to add to the season’s list, look elsewhere. Spirited is a modern and mediocre adaptation of the holiday classic, A Christmas Carol. This movie proves that star power should never outweigh talent. For those of you wondering if there was an Elf reference, here you go:
Spirited focuses on the agency of ghosts responsible for the hauntings of terrible people in the hopes of making them better. Will Ferrell is the ghost of Christmas Present and is at the point of his career where he feels like something is missing in his life. Ferrell finds hope as he takes on his most hopeless soul yet, Ryan Reynolds. Ryan Reynolds is a spin doctor who makes a living by causing disorder and chaos without regard for his fellow man. Can Ferrell change Reynolds in time for Christmas, or is Reynolds truly irredeemable?
Spirited is a boring musical that I can’t recommend. For those of you interested in this movie, wait till someone with talent makes a better cover of the songs. While some of the songs are catchy, the singing and dancing by the leads are rough. The leads can barely hit their notes, and their choreography is stiff at best. If you are looking for your new favorite Christmas musical, Spirited isn’t it.
As far as comedies go, this one isn’t funny. Spirited has taken its collection of funny and charismatic actors and placed them in roles where they are anything but. The jokes are bad and outdated, and this movie tries way too hard to be funny. As much as they shoved their meta jokes down my throat, I did not appreciate any of them. All this movie managed to do was have me sit here and contemplate my boredom.
It should come as no surprise that this story has been adapted better elsewhere. I suggest you choose your favorite adaptation and watch or read that instead. The characters in this movie are just generic renditions of their actors. Ferrell and Reynolds play themselves but are restricted by the writing and their singing. Ferrell’s singing would be fine for an internet short, but it isn’t for a whole movie and Reynolds can barely sing. To make matters worse, Reynolds pays himself yet again. This character has lost his charm a long time ago, and I hope that he can find roles where he can play anything else. There is no real reason to have these two as the leads for this movie because they don’t add value to it except to maybe trick people into wasting their time on this movie.
My biggest problem with this Spirited is that it wastes the star power it didn’t need. This movie needs real singers who can dance. As disappointed as I am with this movie, I caught myself singing one of the songs. They aren’t all bad. I would have easily forgiven the boring plot and comedy if the singing was good. But it’s not, and I am left here with my growing disappointment.
You can stream this movie on Apple TV if you have a subscription, but I wouldn’t waste the data. I urge you to wait for better covers or to look up the songs on YouTube. There isn’t anything worth watching in between the singing, and I am sure there are better covers on their way if they aren’t already out.
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