Neflix’s Fubar is so bad that I couldn’t bring myself to finish it. I finish everything I watch, but this series took a toll on my soul that I don’t think I can ever recover from. I sat this wishing I was watching Citadel, and I hated Citadel. Who is this show even for? You have to sit through two insufferable people bickering about nothing the whole time, and sometimes comedy and action happen. Do yourself a favor and watch anything else.
The world’s greatest spy is about to retire after a lifetime of accolades. He has plans to live a quiet life and try to mend the relationships he’s severed over the years. But America has other plans for our hero. Before he even has a chance to retire, he is placed on one more assignment. A villain from his past returns to wreak havoc. Our hero must extract a compromised agent from the villain’s clutches and save the world once again. The problem is, the agent is his daughter. Now the two must work through their relationship and save the world. Can they do it before it is too late?
This series is worse than you think because nothing it tries to do works. The little action it has is boring, the humor it tries to pull off rarely lands, everyone in this series sucks, and the writing is terrible. Most of the time, the series deals with family drama no one is going to care about, and they fill the rest with forced romances. If you cut out all the pointless filler plot, you have no show. The series has a solid cast, but it wastes them.
Between the sudden tonal changes and the annoying bickering, I just couldn’t convince myself to finish. I tried my hardest to make it to the end to see what stupid plot twist they would throw in to sequel bait, but I don’t have it in me. This series broke me. I am glad people got paid to be in this terrible show, I would have taken the job too, but I just hope it doesn’t kill any careers. You can stream it on Netflix, but your time is too precious to waste on this terrible series. Thanks for reading. I need to reevaluate some of my life choices.
Citadel (2023): The most boring action series you shouldn’t be watching
I finally found the time to sit back and watch Citadel on Amazon Prime, and I am upset at how much time I wasted on this series. It was a struggle to finish Citadel and an even bigger struggle to find the strength to not skip around when this series got boring. Don’t watch this series. There is nothing for you here.
Citadel is about two spies forced into hiding by an evil organization hunting them down. One spy has lost his memories and is struggling with his identity. Is he a father and husband from Iowa, or is he the deadly spy everyone else knows he is? But he must decide quickly. The world is about to end, and only he and his generic female spy ex-lover are the only ones who can save the world. Can they do it?
I don’t know where to start with this series because it is so bad. The plot is terrible, but I would argue that the writing is worse. There are lines in this series that are so bad that I had to pause the series so that I could reevaluate my decisions. I took a lot of breaks trying to get through this series, and it almost broke me. The writing is so bad that I can’t tell you how bad the acting is. There are actors in this series that aren’t trying, but others, like the lead, are trying their hardest to make this terrible series work. Gods bless them. I hope they can find something better after Citadel.
This series tries to have this overarching mystery as you are trying to figure out who the mole is. It doesn’t work because it becomes obvious the moment they walk into the series. This was only a few minutes in, and For the rest of the series, I had to sit through terrible attempts at misdirection as the series built up to the dumbest big reveal you can’t possibly fathom. This series is so boring that I could only sit there and over-analyze every terrible plot point, overthink every plot hole, and scrutinize all of the science. I can suspend my disbelief in action thrillers, but they have to be good at distracting me with big explosions and fun action. Citadel had nothing to distract me from how terrible it is.
Citadel is the most boring to come out this year. There were a few decent fights, but not enough to be worth your time. Most of the run time is spent on relationships no one cares about and pointless filler. Had this been a movie packed with more action, it would have been better.
I don’t want to spend any more time on this series. You can stream it on Amazon, but I wouldn’t waste my time.
Series Review: Slow Horses (2022)
Slow Horses is a spy thriller that you can stream on Apple TV that is based on the book of the same name. While I cannot speak on how good of an adaptation it is, I had a lot of fun with this show. Slow Horses has everything you want from a spy thriller. It is a show full of deception, double-crosses, gun fights, and a race against the clock. If you like the genre, this is a solid entry
Slow Horses focuses on the disgraced agents of MI5 who are sent to Slow House. Most have come to terms with their punishment and wait out their sentence till they can retire. Some still hold on to the hope that they earn their redemption. Opportunity strikes when a young Asian British man is kidnapped by an extremist and racist group that plans to execute him publicly. The members of the slow house jump to the task as the race is on to find the young man alive. Will they save the day and earn their redemption, or will they remain a disgrace to the organization?
This was a fun and enjoyable spy thriller. The acting is great, the story is interesting, and the pacing is perfect. While it does have some of the familiar spy thriller tropes, it is a unique enough story to keep things interesting. This is a team of imperfect misfits who are trying to prove themselves. They will make mistakes, but they will learn from them. As the series progresses, they slowly regain the spark they lost when they were sent to Slow House. This makes for an excellent redemption story, but also one with sufficient tension.
Sometimes with spy thrillers, you get characters who cannot fail because they are too perfect. This makes the story boring because any adversity they face is easily overcome. It is nice to see a group of people fail and then scramble to overcome their failure as they race against the clock. It is what makes a good thriller, and I can only hope that future entries to the genre continue with this trend.
Anyways, Slow Horses is a different but same kind of spy story, and you should watch it on Apple TV if you have a subscription.
Movie Review: The Gray Man (2022)
Netflix continues its trend of releasing disappointing star-studded films that don’t deserve your time. You are better off not watching Gray Man because even with its amazing cast, it fails to make a tangible impression. This might not be the worst movie on the platform, but I have already forgotten I watched it.
The movie is about a secret agent who magically stumbles onto a McGuffin of a conspiracy. The film is a series of action movie tropes strung together by awkwardly rendered chase scenes, all building up to a very disappointing ending.
The acting is easily the best part. The only exception would be Regé-Jean Page’s terrible American accent, but his accent isn’t what ruins the movie. The quality of the rest of the movie falls flat in comparison. There are a few moments of competence, like the phone conversations written in creative code to hide from surveillance or when Ryan Gosling refuses to throw a gun because it is dangerous that shows promise. There are even attempts at symbolism, but these efforts are wasted because the rest of the movie isn’t good.
Gray Man is a movie without a plot. There is a giant disappointing Mcguffin, an uninspired villain, and too many plot holes. The villain kills for the sake of killing, and the hero chases because it is in the script. There is no tension because Ryan Gosling has the ungodly ability to sense danger before it happens. I wouldn’t mind the lack of plot if the action was better.
The action here is unintelligible. If the fights aren’t poorly rendered, they are stiff and boring. There is a terrible fight scene on a plane that gave me motion sickness. Chase scenes don’t fare any better as they suffer from the same afflictions. Gray Man is an action movie that forgot to add its action.
If Netflix continues this trend, it won’t survive the streaming wars. The service is losing subscribers because it can’t secure content people want to watch, and the original content it has been releasing has been subpar. There are a few exceptions, but there aren’t enough good Netflix originals to give the service the lasting power it is desperately grasping at.
Don’t watch this movie.
Movie Review: The 355 (2022)
As far as spy thrillers go, The 355 is just okay. I didn’t hate this movie, but it also didn’t leave much of an impression. I will forget what this movie is about tomorrow, and so will you. This movie doesn’t do enough to earn a recommendation.
A drug cartel has made a device that allows the user to hack anything. The race is on to get the device before it falls into the wrong hand. This world-ending device brings together a group of unlikely characters who must work together to retrieve the device and save the world. Will they be able to save the world? Of course they do, this isn’t a deep movie.
The movie has a great cast whose talents are wasted. The biggest problem I have with this movie is with its plot, it is slow and dry. If you are going to have good actors in your movie, make sure the story takes advantage of their strengths. As far as action movies go, this movie is limited by its actors’ abilities. There are a few interesting sequences, but a lot of it is awkward. If you aren’t going to have a good story, at least make the action fun and exciting. The movie suffers as it slows down for pointless backstory, and meaningless tech babble, and it tops it all off with obvious twists. If you watch this movie, you will skip a few scenes.
You can watch this movie on Amazon with your prime membership. While it is not the worst movie out there, I wouldn’t rush out to see it.
TV Series Review: The Terminal List (2022)
I will say it, Chris Pratt doesn’t play a good soldier. I gave him a pass for Tomorrow’s War because no one could make that movie work, but with a slightly better story, he still falls short. He plays the exact same character in this, and I fear that Pratt might be a one-note actor.
This show relies heavily on misdirection, tension, and urgency but there is none to be found. This is equal parts the fault of not having a strong enough lead as well as the poor directing and writing. The series follows Reese, a navy seal who is investigating a giant conspiracy that has taken the lives of his team and his family. Throughout, the show will present inconsistencies in what Reese perceives to try to disorient the audience’s perception of the narrative. Is there truly some secret plot against Reese and his men, or is it all a delusion brought on by an existing brain tumor?
While this might not be the worst military/spy thriller out there, there are certainly better options. The biggest issue with this show is its pacing. There also needed to be a force or pressure pushing Reese through the plot. Compitant villains with the chance to catch Reese. Instead, I waited for Pratt to make it to the next cheesy one-liner. It doesn’t help that the story stops for shameless product placement or to replay that same memories. It all feels like filler and adds little to the narrative.
The tension and suspense suffer from the series’ poor pacing. Why should I worry about Reese’s race against cancer or the government if he is sitting for dinner? He might be more mortal than the traditional action hero, but Reese still has the godlike ability to get out of every situation. The stiff action sequences are therefore a bore because the outcome will always favor Reese. There are moments where he is slowed down by the wear and tear of combat, but it never truly feels like Reese is in trouble. I have said it before, even if the hero wins, there needs to be tension and urgency to make the movie exciting.
This show desperately attempts to set itself apart through its constant failed attempts at misdirection. I knew who the final bad guy was the first time he appeared on screen, and I waited impatiently for his disappointing reveal. The series tries to trick the audience into believing that the conspiracy might be Reese’s delusion. This idea is interesting and it could have worked with a stronger lead. I have nothing against Pratt, but he doesn’t have the range needed for this series.
If you are going to watch this show, throw it up when you don’t want to pay attention. There is enough filler in this series here where you don’t need to be completely attentive. If you like spy thrillers, there are better ones, but this might scratch an itch. Otherwise, don’t bother. It’s okay for what it is, but it’s not really worth its run time. You can watch it on Amazon with a Prime membership, but I suggest you skip the boring bits.
