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Movie Reviews, movies

Movie Review: Lantern’s Lane (2021)

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Do not waste your time on this terrible movie. The camera work, the plot, the acting, and the big reveal are irredeemably bad. There is nothing worth watching in this movie.

Lantern’s lane is about a girl who returns to her rural home town where she reunites with friends from high school. Bitter that she hasn’t returned, her friends attempt to play a prank on her by scaring her. Things turn sour when a killer starts hunting them instead. The mom and daughter from the opening scene are the killers. This movie spoils its ending in the first five minutes of play time with its terrible acting and camera work. Lantern’s Lane is a great example of a filmmaker who is trying way too hard to be symbolic. This movie is full of obvious foreshadowing that ruins any tension that this movie could have had. Not that anything of note ever happens. It takes a whole hour before the horror element comes into play, but it doesn’t matter because you already know who the killer is.

Instead, you are forced to sit through terribly read high school drama no one asked for. I don’t know which is worse, the acting or the writing. I don’t think anyone involved with the making of this movie has ever talked to a real person before. The dialogue in this movie is unreal. You can mash your keyboard right now, and the outcome would be better dialogue.

And the editing of this movie? I don’t think there is a single scene in this movie that isn’t a collection of shots lazily pieced together. There are more cuts in a scene of simple dialogue than there are in an MCU fight scene. Disney cuts fight scenes to hide the fact that the actors can’t fight. This movie does it to hide the fact that they can’t act. There are moments of dialogue where there is a 5-second delay before an actor responds to what was just said. I wouldn’t be surprised if the actors weren’t competent enough to remember simple dialogue. 

Don’t waste your time with this movie. Even if you like watching bad movies for fun, there’s nothing here for you. It isn’t worth sitting through because nothing happens. You don’t even get to see anyone die. But if you don’t believe me, you can watch it on Hulu.

Movie Reviews, movies

YouTube Movie Reviews: The Duchess (2008)

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I have an indifference when it comes to period movies or TV shows. I don’t generally seek them out, but I don’t have any real problem with them. I feel this same indifference about The Duchess. It is a pretty average movie that didn’t leave much of an impression on me. If you like period movies, I think it is a pretty solid one. The acting is great, the costumes are pretty, but the story leaves a lot to be desired. This movie is based on real events, and my disappointments come with the restrictions that come with it.

I loved the first half of this movie. I love G as a character. She is witty, charismatic, and I loved her outfits. The costumes in this movie are easily my favorite part. The second half is where I lost interest because the movie slows down too much to be enjoyable. It does make sense in context, and I understand why they did it. At the start of the film, G makes the best of her situation. She gets involved in politics, goes to parties, takes on the role she is supposed to take with a smile. In the 2nd act, when the movie slows down, she can no longer live with her unhappiness. It makes sense that there are no more parties. It makes sense that she can no longer smile. It makes sense that everything is so slow. It is done well enough, but it is much too slow for the average audience.

I can only recommend this movie if you like period movies. I can’t speak on how accurate it is to the period, but it’ll be enough for casuals. Other than that, it isn’t really worth it. It isn’t bad; it is just okay. It is still better than The Last Duel. For those interested, it is free on YouTube.

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Movie Reviews, movies

YouTube Movie Reviews: Legally Blonde (2001)

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Legally Blonde is free on YouTube. What can I say that hasn’t already been said? It is a great movie with a fantastic cast and a great story. Without question, it is easily one of my favorite movies. The sequels are also available on YouTube, but I can’t speak on how good they are. It has been a while since I’ve seen those.

This movie made a huge impact on me when I watched it in my youth. Although I am a strait Mexican-American male, I empathized with a lot of Elle’s struggles. My whole life people do not take me seriously because of how I look and speak. I find that I am constantly being judged for my appearance and interests. I have to constantly prove myself to people because most think I am just some dumb Mexican kid. I was Elle’s strength and perseverance. Although our struggles are completely different and Elle has advantages that I don’t, I know what it feels like to be dismissed because of my appearance. I know what it feels like to constantly have to prove myself. It hurts when people think I am dumb. It hurts when people are shocked that I can speak English or that I study for tests. This movie helped me deal with a lot of that. 

I will be so bold as to say that this movie is a timeless classic. It has a strong and capable female lead who goes on a journey where she experiences growth. The issues she experiences are relatable. The lessons it teaches are important. If you haven’t seen this, add it to your list. For the rest of you, it’s free!

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Series Reviews

TV Series Review: Utopia (2020)

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Utopia is an appropriate pandemic thriller that I believe everyone should be watching. It has tension, suspense, action, John Cusack; what more can you ask for? I have not seen the original British version, so I don’t know how this compares. Instead, I will be basing this review only on the American version, streaming now on Amazon Prime.

Utopia is about a group of nerdy, regular people who stumble upon a huge conspiracy. Someone has weaponized diseases and is using them against people. Through a series of comics, this group of average Joe’s pieces together clues that will hopefully save humanity. I love that this show isn’t about extraordinary people destined to save the world. These protagonists are flawed. Although they are smart, they are not highly trained and, for the most part, are frightened about the whole situation. I am excited to see how this group grows as they continue to deal with adversity.

I don’t want to get into too many specifics because the mystery that shrouds this show is what makes it fun. Utopia does a great job of keeping the audience guessing. Every new clue or new bit of information adds to this fun and exciting experience. I can’t wait for season 2.

If you love tense and exciting mysteries full of action and conspiracy, check out Utopia! I am confident it has a little something for everyone. Watch it on Amazon Prime!

Movie Reviews, movies

YouTube Movie Reviews: Little Shop of Horrors (1986)

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Little Shop of Horrors is a musical based on a movie of the same name from the 60s. I am not a huge fan of musicals so I can’t comment on how it holds up as one. That said, it still holds up as a film. The singing is fine, the acting is decent, and the special effects are appropriate. It was the actor’s gravitas and charisma that kept my attention. I can see there being an audience for this movie; unfortunately, I am not among them.

This isn’t a bad movie. If you like musicals and 50 eras music, you should check this out. If you are like me and do not like musicals, you should still watch this version for its impact on modern pop culture. I didn’t realize how much this movie is referenced in modern media. I didn’t like it as a musical, but I did enjoy it for its importance in modern American Pop Culture. I appreciate all the risks this movie takes to tell such an odd story. I believe it is important to go back to these older films to see the different forms of storytelling, and how it has changed over the years.

Anyways, if you are looking for a solid musical with a lot of nostalgia, this is a safe bet. You can watch this movie free on YouTube. You can do a lot worse for free. Trust me.

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Series Reviews

TV Shows Review: Upload

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It is hard to recommend Upload because it isn’t for everyone. I would describe this show as a cheesy, sci-fi romance novel about death. It does a good job of going over different philosophies about death. I really like the concept of saving a person’s consciousness so that it lives forever. What I don’t like is that it can be preachy at times. We get it, capitalism is bad, and true love is awesome. That aside, it’s a pretty cool show. The acting is decent, although some actors are better than others. The plot is fun, some of the technology is inconsistent but I think that is the point. The characters are all unique and for the most part, interesting.

This show is about a future where they have the technology to save a person’s consciousness in a simulated world. The “Uploads” live their lives in words run by big corporations. The show focuses on the blossoming romantic relationship of Nathan, an upload, and Andy, Nathan’s customer service representative. She is alive, he isn’t, and the whole series is a will they, won’t they, should they ordeal. There is murder, mystery, suspense, death, and of course, a lot of romance.

For those of you who do not like cheesy romantic movies, this is not for you. Although it isn’t over the top, you get to sit through some rough monologues. But, the pacing is good and the show makes a lot of interesting arguments about death, reality, technology, and economic disparity. If you find yourself looking for something to watch, this isn’t a bad way to spend a couple of hours. You can watch it if you have an Amazon Prime Membership.

Series Reviews

TV Show Review: Doom Patrol (2019)

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Say what you will about DC movies, but DC TV shows are another beast. Usually, they tend to have strong starts with compelling narratives and characters, but eventually, they fall into the pitfall of prioritizing fan service and product placement over story. However, this might be a symptom of being on the CW. Some, like Swamp Thing, show great promise but are canceled before they really take off. I recommend you check it out anyways.

I am not afraid to say that Doom Patrol is in a league of its own. This isn’t your typical superhero mashup show where they fight a new villain every week, where the victory is brought to you by the new Microsoft Surface. Doom Patrol is about people who don’t want to be superheroes, who instead want to live normal lives. You get unique and interesting characters, great actors, and a very engaging story. 

Doom Patrol brings a well-welcomed freshness to a genre that has been growing stale over the years. I love the use of backstory and how it’s woven into the larger narrative. I love learning about each character’s motivation, even the villains. More importantly, I love to see the characters grow as the story unfolds. I am very hopeful for this show, and I am very excited that there will be a season 4. You can watch this show on HBO.

Movie Reviews, movies

YouTube Movie Review: Rollerball (2002)

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Time has not been kind to Rollerball. The acting is bad, everything feels dated, and it is cheesy in the worst way. If you have fond memories of this movie from your youth, do not watch this. Cherish that memory because reality is very disappointing. There is no amount of nostalgia that will save this movie. The acting and story in this movie are terrible, which hurts the movie. I will excuse bad acting and storytelling if the movie is fun, but this movie is boring. Don’t be distracted by the sick stunts and explosions, nothing interesting happens in this movie. You get to sit through terrible line reads and a lead who is constantly throwing tantrums. I was not entertained.

I don’t know how it compares to the original, but this execution was terrible. Don’t waste your time here. There is nothing here for you. But if you don’t believe me, it is free on YouTube.

Watch it Here!
Movie Reviews, movies

YouTube Movie Review: Clue (1985)

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I had a lot of fun watching Clue. This movie is cheesy and over the top, but it is a tone fitting for the narrative. I mean, who doesn’t love an over-the-top Tim Curry performance? The rest of the cast is fantastic! Each character is unique and memorable, and the way they work together truly sells this movie. The writing is also great! I am a huge fan of humor based on wordplay, and this has more than enough to satisfy my itch. I laughed through almost the entirety of this movie, despite the story being full of murder.

As far as movies based on board games go, this is great. It is better than Real Steel, and it is leagues better than Battleship. This movie gives me hope that maybe one day we can get a good movie that is based on a video game or board game that isn’t generic garbage. As far as murder mystery movies go, I think it is fine. It isn’t meant to be a serious installment of the genre, but it is a fine attempt. I don’t have too many examples to compare it to, but it was better than Murder on the Orient Express.

I don’t think this movie is for everyone. I think the cheesy tone and the jokes might be a bit much for some modern audiences. If you are a fan of murder mysteries, this might not be enough to scratch your itch either. It might not be serious enough. This is more for people who enjoy this era’s humor and enjoys hyperactive narrative. But it is free on YouTube. You can do a lot worse for free.

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Series Reviews

TV Series Review: Righteous Gemstones

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The Righteous Gemstones is a show on HBO about a family who runs a megachurch in Georgia. The show follows them as they spread the word of God while they face their demons. The show does a great job separating the Gemstones’ public personas who go on stage and preach about God from the dysfunctional assholes you will learn to love. Each character faces challenges. They are either desperately seeking the patriarch’s approval or are hiding some dark secrets. The secrets in this show get dark. This show does a great job of creating sympathy for characters who act immorally out of desperation.

The plot of this show is a bit outrageous, but it is fitting for what this show is trying to do. Above all, this show is entertaining. The cast is great, the writing is solid, and the acting is something you need to enjoy. You couldn’t ask for a better cast. They work so well together. Most of the fun comes from how they interact with each other. The rest comes from learning new information that changes the overall narrative. This show will keep you guessing and that is a great thing.

The first season establishes the tone of the show. It does a great job at introducing memorable characters as well as creating the world you will get to experience. The second season does slow down a lot from the first season, but the second season is where the show starts to get into each character and their problems. I believe that the second season is taking its time to set up something huge, but you will have to watch to find out what.

If you run out of things to watch and have an HBO subscription, you should check out this show. It is an experience unlike anything else on TV, but it has a certain charm that will keep you wanting more.