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Movie Reviews

Movie Review: Don’t Worry Darling (2022)

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Don’t Worry Darling is a huge waste of time, don’t watch it in theaters. This film’s abysmal failure was rightfully predicted when the only news coming out nearing its release was about the drama that surrounded the filming. If this amateur attempt at horror doesn’t ruin Olivia Wild’s directing career, nothing will.

Don’t Worry Darling is about a dystopian desert community that is themed after the 1950’s American nuclear family fantasy. The men all work at a factory where what they do is a secret. The women are homemakers who look after the house and their husband’s every need. Everything seems perfect at the Valor project. Food is plentiful, there is a lot to do, and everything is perfect. But there is something sinister happening in the desert, and Alice is the only one who suspects such. Alice seeks answers, but the answers she seeks begin to unravel her world. It seems like her life at the Valor project isn’t as perfect as it seems.

Don’t Worry Darling is two hours where nothing happens. The first half hour is dedicated to Harry Styles making out with Alice, while the rest of the run time is padded with more fan service and fake deep sequences. If this movie dedicated as much time to developing its plot as it did with Mr. Styles, this could have been an actual movie. Instead, Don’t Worry Darling is a superficial attempt at replicating a better horror film.

The biggest problem with this movie is that there isn’t enough tension. The editing, the bizarre directing choices, and the acting 

aren’t able to make this work. The acting is very inconsistent. In some scenes, the writing and the acting come together nicely and give the audience the false hope that the movie might get better. Most scenes, however, feel as if the actors are struggling to remember the lines they were given minutes before filming. It doesn’t help that most characters are poorly written cardboard cutouts of people. The cast does its best, but nothing can save this atrocity to film.

This is the part of the review where I will spoil the movie. If you are planning to watch it, don’t, but this is a good place to stop. You’ve been warned.

The movie is all set up, full of scenes that take way too long and symbols that overstay their welcome. With all this setup, the big defining twist still manages to come as a surprise. This whole movie exists as a simulation, and only the men know the truth. The women on the other hand have been reprogrammed to believe in the simulation and be perfect housewives. The idea is cool. In the hands of a competent director, this could have been a good movie, but it’s not. 

Don’t Worry Darling’s follies make this movie anti-climactic. The villain is poorly written and without any presence. I forgot Chris Pine was even in this movie until he would show up for some poorly written moments. The only reason I knew he was the villain was that he was nearly always accompanied by ominous music. Alice on the other hand suffers from magical competence. She knows something is wrong and knows what to do because the script and director say so. Most events in this movie happen for the same reason. You can argue that it was all programmed to happen, but this movie isn’t good enough for that explanation. As a result, I never cared when Alice was in danger because I knew ex-Machina would save the day.

Instead of wasting so much time on symbolism and fan service, it should have spent time developing its mystery and gas-lighting Alice. There should have been more clues to suggest that this was a simulation. There should have been more meaningful interactions between Alice in the world; maybe it wouldn’t feel so frustratingly magical. There should have been a better director. Olivia Wild tried and failed, and this was the result. Don’t watch this movie. 

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Movie Reviews, movies

Movie Review: The Siege of Robin Hood (2022)

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The Siege of Robin Hood is a cheesy, low-budget fantasy movie you have not heard of for good reason. This film feels like a very well-funded LARP, unfortunately, it makes for a terrible movie. 

The Sheriff Of Nottingham is a tyrant who rules the land cruelly. The citizens have had enough but are unable to break away from his rule. It is up to Robin Hood and his band of misfits to storm the castle and give the land its peace and freedom. Do they have what it takes, or will they be another failed rebellion? 

This was exceptionally boring to watch. The costumes and the setting are the best things about this movie. They spent a lot of money on cool pieces of armor and weapons, but they ran out of money for the actors and sound. There are a couple of fun fights, but they are too few for this movie to be worth the trouble. Overall, this film’s greatest weakness lies in its actors. There are no actors in this movie, and a lot of this movie consists of a poorly written script performed terribly. Getting through this movie was hard work, work I hope you never have to do. 

The biggest issue with this movie is its lack of urgency. Nothing in this movie matters because there isn’t a threat or challenge for Robin Hood and his gang. The henchmen will die at the mere sight of the group, and Robin Hood will ex Machina his way out of everything. The villain in this movie is horribly written. The Sheriff Of Nottingham is evil for the sake of being evil. He rapes and pillages because he has to be the bad guy and that’s boring. A good villain needs clear motivation with competent henchmen so that the hero’s struggle is exciting and fun to watch. There is no weight to this villain and I was left waiting for Robin Hood to awkwardly stroll to the final disappointing battle. It is a shame because there are a couple of well-choreographed fights that leave me more disappointed in this movie. Why couldn’t the movie be full of well-choreographed and fun fights if they were going to skimp on actors and narrative? 

This movie is a complete waste of time. I like cheesy movies, but this takes it to an unwatchable level. If you like to watch bad movies to make fun of them, don’t bother with this one because it isn’t as fun as you might think. I don’t know who funded this LARP, but it wasn’t worth it. You aren’t the target audience. 

Movie Reviews, movies

Movie Review: Lantern’s Lane (2021)

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Do not waste your time on this terrible movie. The camera work, the plot, the acting, and the big reveal are irredeemably bad. There is nothing worth watching in this movie.

Lantern’s lane is about a girl who returns to her rural home town where she reunites with friends from high school. Bitter that she hasn’t returned, her friends attempt to play a prank on her by scaring her. Things turn sour when a killer starts hunting them instead. The mom and daughter from the opening scene are the killers. This movie spoils its ending in the first five minutes of play time with its terrible acting and camera work. Lantern’s Lane is a great example of a filmmaker who is trying way too hard to be symbolic. This movie is full of obvious foreshadowing that ruins any tension that this movie could have had. Not that anything of note ever happens. It takes a whole hour before the horror element comes into play, but it doesn’t matter because you already know who the killer is.

Instead, you are forced to sit through terribly read high school drama no one asked for. I don’t know which is worse, the acting or the writing. I don’t think anyone involved with the making of this movie has ever talked to a real person before. The dialogue in this movie is unreal. You can mash your keyboard right now, and the outcome would be better dialogue.

And the editing of this movie? I don’t think there is a single scene in this movie that isn’t a collection of shots lazily pieced together. There are more cuts in a scene of simple dialogue than there are in an MCU fight scene. Disney cuts fight scenes to hide the fact that the actors can’t fight. This movie does it to hide the fact that they can’t act. There are moments of dialogue where there is a 5-second delay before an actor responds to what was just said. I wouldn’t be surprised if the actors weren’t competent enough to remember simple dialogue. 

Don’t waste your time with this movie. Even if you like watching bad movies for fun, there’s nothing here for you. It isn’t worth sitting through because nothing happens. You don’t even get to see anyone die. But if you don’t believe me, you can watch it on Hulu.

Movie Reviews, movies

YouTube Movie Review: Rollerball (2002)

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Time has not been kind to Rollerball. The acting is bad, everything feels dated, and it is cheesy in the worst way. If you have fond memories of this movie from your youth, do not watch this. Cherish that memory because reality is very disappointing. There is no amount of nostalgia that will save this movie. The acting and story in this movie are terrible, which hurts the movie. I will excuse bad acting and storytelling if the movie is fun, but this movie is boring. Don’t be distracted by the sick stunts and explosions, nothing interesting happens in this movie. You get to sit through terrible line reads and a lead who is constantly throwing tantrums. I was not entertained.

I don’t know how it compares to the original, but this execution was terrible. Don’t waste your time here. There is nothing here for you. But if you don’t believe me, it is free on YouTube.

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YouTube Movie Reviews: Superhero Movie (2008)

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Superhero Movie is a parody that should not have been made. I remember not liking it when it first came out, but not much else. It has not aged well since. This movie relies heavily on farting. This movie fills its dead air with fart jokes because it doesn’t have enough material to fill the run time. There are more farts in this movie than actual jokes. It is clear early on that this movie was made for 8-year-olds in 2008. It doesn’t hold up.

This movie is boring. It slogs through its run time with very little humor in it. There were a few moments where I wanted to give up on this movie, but I powered through. It isn’t worth it. The few moments that got a chuckle out of me are not worth sitting through the rest of the nonsense. Watching a YouTube video with all the best scenes would be a better use of your time, but not by much.

I would skip this even if you like watching bad movies for fun because it is slow and boring. But it is free for those poor souls who don’t believe me.

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Movie Reviews

Hell Fest (2018) – Review

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I don’t know what I expected from this movie, but I was left utterly disappointed. I understand that I am not the target demographic, but I will still give my grumpy old man rant if you’ll allow it. This review does contain spoilers, but I am hopping that after reading this I can convince you to watch this.

The film starts in the past and a cheap jump scare.  Although it might be done to set the tone of the movie, it is out of place and doesn’t add to the overall narrative. The true start is with the introduction of the main character, Natalie. Natalie has flown back home for Halloween weekend to visit her best friend Brooke. It is in this introduction that you see Natalie has some deep seeded resentment towards Brooke’s roommate Taylor. It is never explored as to why Natalie doesn’t like Taylor; it is simply brushed off as one of her quirks. She has a lot of terrible quirks. She instantly forgets this resentment because in their next scene together they are the closest friends.

Through plot convenience, Brooke has scored VIP tickets for a pop-up Halloween amusement park. It is at the park that you meet the boyfriends. None of these characters are memorable and seem to be simple representations of what someone believes teens are. Most of their dialogue can be summarized with “yall gunna fuck!”. I know It is asking a lot for proper characters and character development from slasher film, but at least let me like the main characters. At this point you are 30 minutes into the movie and nothing of note has happened. A faceless killer joins the game and now the movie turns from an outing with friends to a night of survival. This is a shameless Halloween rip off, go watch that instead.

The main issue with this movie is that the concept doesn’t work. Everything is so busy that it there is no real tension. This lack of tension hurts is status as a slasher film. What is worse, most of the movie is just reaction shots as they make their way through the many haunted mazes. They aren’t even well done nor are they fun to watch. This makes up so much of the movie that I honestly would have forgotten about the killer if Natalie wasn’t constantly reminding me. The plot to this movie is so weak that it wouldn’t exist had Natalie been sensible and left the park. The killer gives her ample opportunity to leave, but this movie wouldn’t happen if Natalie was sensible. She chooses too late to call the police. If she honestly felt in danger and threatned, she could have left, called the police, asked for a refund and we wouldn’t have to sit through this.

This park is also the void of safety. I have been to enough festivals to understand that this was not a very well-run from how much effort was put into its production. Had this been some sketchy fair, these issues could be easily ignored. But this place looks expensive, and nothing this expensive should have this many safety violations. There are no safety measures put in place to get the people out safely during a crisis. There are no clear signs that point to a clear exit. There is no medical staff or tents. There is also only one security guard in this whole place. They don’t even turn on the lights when they close the park to help people safely evacuate. This park wouldn’t have been approved for the public. Ignoring all of that, this is a park that should have been shut down the first-time people were murdered there. I am confident there should have been enough buzz around to shut it down the second or third time this happened. At the very least, there should have been a lot more preventative measures.

The killer is also a huge problem. This is a killer that pops up when it is convenient. The rest of the time, you are watching a bunch of drunks running around an amusement park. When he does show up, he exhibits inhuman powers. He teleports to cut off the group. He is able to keep close with a group of drunk college kids at popular festival, even skipping lines to pop up when the script calls for him. Anyone who has gone to a popular festival can tell you how easily you can lose your group, but somehow he is able to cut them off at every single turn. He is even able to disappear to avoid capture. This wouldn’t be a problem if he wasn’t so massive and slow. Even with this mass, he has no presence in the movie. I’ll say it again, I completely forgot he was the villain because he barely does anything.

My biggest issue with the movie is Natalie. The film attempts to create a deep character, but she ends up just as shallow, forgettable, and annoying as her friends. They give her a love interest who she clearly has no chemistry with. They kill him off instantly and no one even knows that he is dead, making this death pointless. You can argue that his death was used so he can get the phone and track the teens through the park, but that is a dumb plot device because it stops working when they really need it. But, this relationship is a huge part of her character and seems to be the only thing defining her. Having a relationship with the opposite sex is not a character trait and I hate that this movie made it one. For once I want to see a movie where the female protagonist existence doesn’t revolve around being swooned. Because of this trait, you get to watch one the most boring dates ever.

It is on this bad date that they allude to her vague and sad back story. This sad story is forgotten almost instantly. This movie does that a lot. Why do all main characters in these movies always have a sad back story? Just once I would like to see a character who is happy with her life. Bad shit happens to happy people too. But then it wouldn’t be very Hollywood and this essay would be a lot shorter. In this case, it doesn’t add anything to her character. In fact, most character development is established through lazy exposition. If they wanted to give her a sad back story, they could have had her have an argument with one of her parents over the phone. After this phone call, they could have had one of her friends console her and establish depth in that conversation instead of randomly inserting it as dialogue. This would have shown the audience she has trouble at home but also show a deeper relationship between the group. But this isn’t a better movie and you just get this shallow copy of something you would rather be watching.

In closing, you should probably skip this one. There isn’t enough substance for a full movie, even if they try bait an entire series. I don’t see this movie aging well, nor do I see any of their sequels or prequels coming to theaters. It is not an original concept, nor is it a good execution of it.

Movie Reviews

Haunted Maze (2017) – Review

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I won’t waste your time with the obvious. This movie is bad. The acting, the production, and the lack of story is all sloppily put together and falsely marketed as a movie. Don’t watch this movie, even if you like making fun of terrible movies, there is nothing here for you. Most of the time if you can’t hear what is going on, you can’t see. I found this movie accidentally thinking it was something else and I hate myself terribly for having to watched it.

Now I will dig a little deeper into why Haunted Maze doesn’t work. The protagonist, if you can call them that, are unlikable and have no presence in the movie. You are quickly introduced to the protagonist who’s only defining characteristic is that they are teens. At least, they are what the director thinks teens are. It is a really poor depiction and it doesn’t help that they all have the acting ability of cardboard. If you get passed the poor acting and terrible dialogue, they are all assholes. None of the protagonist are likable and I instantly wished for the killer to do the great service of erasing them from this movie. Horror movies need a least one good character. A relatable essence that people want to see succeed and survive. Here, you get a brief introduction to a group of friends who really shouldn’t be friends and I would argue that their toxic relationship is more dangerous than the killer clown.

Now the biggest issue with the movie is the villain of the film. It is clear early on that this was a film that started with a concept and a movie was made around it. Worse yet, it seems that the film is a collection of unrelated ideas put together without any clear goal or story in mind. There are too many plots in this movie and none of them are resolved. This also means that this movie doesn’t have a solid flow as it will jump from scene to scene hoping for connections that aren’t there. Worse yet, the plot points this movie feigns to have seem to be quirks that come across lame.

The biggest quirk in this movie is the villain. It is clear of the bat that the actor who plays the killer clown is trying his hardest. He easily delivers the best performance out of the whole cast by far. It is not good enough to merit the watch, but I will give him that credit. That said, this is the worst killer clown you can have chasing you. He fucking talks in rhyme. Why does he talk in rhyme? That is never addressed. In fact, none of his character is explained. There is no rhyme or reason why he has to be a clown when nothing in his past suggest this as a logical personality. He is a killer just because and that instantly makes him such a flat villain. A good villain needs to have a motive, goal, personality outside of just a quirk. There needs to be a reason for him to act the way he acts and him being a killer clown because it is a horror movie frankly isn’t enough. You get tired of this clown so quickly because he talks so much but never once explains why he is hunting teens.

Some might argue that the traumatic experience from his past is reason enough to create believable motive as well as form his personal identity, but this movie brushes past this explanation so quickly and makes such a wild leap to killer clown that it doesn’t work. Had they done like in the first Halloween movie and shown a traumatic childhood, events and actions that suggest that he was leading down the killer clown path, or even made his father a killer clown it would have given the clown a little more depth. I don’t use names because honestly, it is so generic of a concept it doesn’t matter. With out this basic level of character development, there is no reason to care about the villain. With out any motive, any depth, the villain isn’t memorable. Think about all your favorite villains. Even those in slashers extend more than just a quirk and blood-thirst. You work because you understand the motive, they have weight and feel real because they have flaws and goals.

This is too much thought and analysis for a movie that was done with way too little thought. Honestly, you won’t get passed the first five minutes because of how badly everything is done. I did it so you don’t have to. Skip it like your life depended on it!

 

Movie Reviews

Xane: The Vampire God

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This is a terrible movie, hurt by its artistic choices and horrible acting. But I will be focusing on the failed anti-hero that is Xane.

For context, Xane travels back in time to stop himself from killing the Caine, the vampire king, and save the world. The problem is that because of time-travel, he has created a new timeline and must work harder now to save the world. Time travel creates a lot of holes in the plot that they will of course fill with poor reads of exposition. The other problem with time-travel is that it creates a hero’s journey for Xane that doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because his actions in this timeline will create a paradox loop where he is always traveling back in time to stop himself in order to fix a terrible outcome he creates. I should mention that the reason he goes back in time is because he lives in a future where he has destroyed everything because he can’t die. It is based on this fact alone that I can’t call him a hero because he is only trying to erase his deeds rather than try to fix them. Instead, his journey is a little bit more selfish and self-serving rather than the righteous one the film suggests he is on.

The film does a terrible job establishing vampire lore, specifically when it comes to powers. This is bad when the story’s main plot points are these vampires. Vampires who aren’t the main three look like normal humans with dried red paint bleeding from their eyes. They are slow and have no real presence in the movie save to remind the audience that this is a vampire movie. Xane on the other hand is incredibly overpowered to the point that it makes him uninteresting. He can travel through time, has super strength, and is immortal. He is a generic, but poorly done edgy anti-hero who never faces any real consequences. If he doesn’t succeed in whatever he is trying to achieve, what is to stop him from resetting the loop at will?

Action heroes work because despite their superhuman feats, there is always a chance of getting defeated. This moment of hubris is essential in character growth because it makes the hero more relatable. But it also creates an opportunity to grow as a character as they have to overcome an adversity with something other than god given talent. In this film that is all but stripped from Xane because there is nothing really to give him adversity. That and his journey doesn’t really count because of time travel. Even in movies where the hero seems to incredibly superhuman, like John Wick, you get to see exhaustion take its toll, giving the story tension because there is a chance that the hero might lose.

In short, don’t make your character’s overpowered. Even Superman has kryptonite.  For a hero’s journey to be effective and hero be able to earn his title, he must have to not only work for it, but the journey has to matter. Sure, there are examples where the hero is overpowered and it works, but there was still a defining flaw that humanizes them. I would argue that there can’t be a perfect all-powerful hero because there needs to be this drama and obstacles that she has to overcome.

I put way too much thought into a movie that shouldn’t be worth this much effort, but I honestly got so bored that this is where it led me. I wouldn’t watch this movie unless you have fun making fun of bad movies. There is a lot of dumb dialogue and interesting choices that make it impossible to take this movie serious.

Movie Reviews

The Wretched (2020) – Review

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The Wretched is the generic monster movie that you probably never heard about because it is so disappointing.

The movie starts off the same as all these movies tend to, a dark and stormy night 30 years ago. Pop music thunders over a yard littered with children toys suggesting shit is about to go down. One of my biggest issues with this film is the amount of filler it has, and this is opening is shameless filler. Clearly, they didn’t have enough of a story to make a movie, so now you get pointless scenes that add little to the plot. There is no context to the monster’s motivation. The people lured and killed in this movie are not related to the present-day victims. In fact, this event is never mentioned again in the movie, suggesting it’s role as padding. It wouldn’t have been a problem if it was used as a way to introduce the monster, it’s powers, where it came from, why it was killing, how it infiltrated the house. Simple clues to help build the world and the monster instead of going for a scene you have come all too familiar with at this point.

The real story takes place in modern day in a lake town where a troubled teen, Ben, spends his day working at the local marina for his dad and spying on his neighbors. A huge part of his character is spying on people. All seems normal until one night he hears something walking on his roof. He instantly knows that there is something amiss. It is here when he makes it his life’s mission to hunt down this witch because the plot asks for it. He goes straight into witch hunter mode without having any definitive proof. The rest of the movie is bits of Ben hunting down the witch and filler.

I will say it again, this movie is mostly filler. There is a pointless forced romance, a bully plot that gets forgotten, something about mind control, and the most boring party you will ever go to. They try so hard to make Ben a real person that they forget that it is a monster movie. At the marina he works with the love interest of the movie whose only character trait is that she is smitten by Ben because of reasons. I don’t know why horror feel the need to force a relationship in these movies. I for one came to this movie expecting monsters, not lazy awkward flirting between two teens. The writing in this movie isn’t great so a lot of the dialogue is awkward, as if written by aliens so when these teens flirt, it is boring and uncomfortable. They could have taken this plot out of the movie and it wouldn’t matter, that is how little value it has on the movie.

Of course a horror movie of this genre wouldn’t be complete without a party, and this party is incredibly boring. They should have had more energetic people, or people who have actually been to a party. People stand around and play drinking games as they try to push forth to the next plot point, the bully plot everyone forgot about. I don’t know why there is a bully plot in this movie. I don’t know why they added a lot of this movie, maybe it was a way to connect with teens. This is what teens do right? Sit around, drink, and be assholes for no reason. This movie tries to do too much, and a as a result it achieves little what it does.

It is a real shame because what it does well, it does really well. The few scenes that have the witch in it are terrifying. Not because of jump scares, there are a few of those, but because of how gross it is. The sounds she makes, the vile dripping from her body, and how she moves all show the truly wasted potential of this movie. Had they focused on developing the witch, having her chase the protagonist and the other teens with her vile decomposing body, this would have been a better movie. Unfortunately, they abandon this early on and give the witch the most inconsistent rule set I have ever seen.

The issue with magic in movies is the balance that is forced on its user. Usually this is when magic works for some people and not for others. This witch has a whole lot of useless powers that only make her less threatening. She can control minds, but only of those adult men that are legal age who she has whispered to. She can take over other people’s bodies, communicate fluently in English, but only women that she has killed. And these bodies have varying time limits to them as they rot over her real body. This is where the movie loses traction because it isn’t scary to watch a human woman chase hunting children when you have seen her true more terrifying form. I wish they had made it a monster movie. It would have made more sense to have a blood thirsty monster hunting its way through the community instead of a witch who has evolved to have the most inconvenient hunting abilities you will ever see in a movie. They are successful in making the most terrifying driving force of this movie and make it boring.

This is definitely a movie you skip because it does too much wrong. It doesn’t follow up on plot points it works hard to suggest are important. What it does well is left forgotten equally forgotten. If you like making fun of bad movies, you might be able to pull some material out of this one. But if you are looking for a thrilling scary movie,  look elsewhere. Sorry this was a long one, but there was so much to say about this movie.