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Movie Reviews, movies

Movie Review: Once Bitten (1985)

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I was unimpressed by Once Bitten. This comedy has not aged well. A lot of the jokes no longer land, making this movie feel as eternal as the life of the vampires in it. Once Bitten is an absurd and unstructured comedy that relies heavily on the absurdity of the narrative. You have a matron of vampires who are starving for her eternal youth. To achieve this, she must drink virgin blood three times before Halloween, or she will age terribly. As a result, this movie is full of misunderstandings, innuendos, and horny teenagers. 

This movie isn’t terrible, the acting is fine, and the soundtrack is fantastic, but the pacing is a problem. The pacing is already slow, but it feels slower because you will have to sit through a number of unfunny and uncomfortable scenes. This isn’t the hyperactive Jim Carrey you might know him as, but a rather subdued character trying to figure life out. He like this movie is instantly forgettable. 

The only positive worth mentioning is the soundtrack. I love the music in this movie, but it isn’t enough to save this movie. The only scene that I enjoyed was the dance fight that happens towards the end. The music choice, the choreography, and the energy that the actors bring to their performance make me sad that this movie isn’t a musical. If you haven’t seen it, check it out because it is fun! Unfortunately, the rest of this movie lacks this energy and it suffers for it. 

You can watch this movie free on YouTube, but I wouldn’t bother. It isn’t terrible, but there are better uses for your time.

Series Reviews

Series Review: Star Trek: Prodigy(2021)

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Star Trek: Prodigy is the modern Star Trek narrative I have been searching for. This animated series follows a group of misfits who find themselves on a stolen federation ship. With The Diviner after them, they must learn to fly the ship and work together as a functioning crew. Will they be able to overcome their own demons in time, or will they be captured, forced to spend their lives as another one of The Diviner’s undesirables?

If you are looking for an entry to the series, you can’t go wrong with Star Trek: Prodigy. The animation is beautiful, the voice acting is fantastic, and the characters are lovable. The story is incredibly fun and beginner friendly. You do not need to know anything about Star Trek to enjoy this series. This series is what I hope all modern Star Trek shows get to be. You have an interesting a capable villain with clear motivations chasing a crew of capable and lovable heroes operating a cool and powerful ship. What more can you ask for? 

The crew of the S.S. Protostar is filled with unique and flawed characters that will grow as the adventure unfolds. They mess up and fumble through each situation, but they learn and grow from each mistake. I love the attention to detail put into this show. There are small bits of dialogue or small subtle actions that show the audience that these are dynamic characters growing into something great. They might not be the cool collected crew of the Enterprise, but they are lovable just the same. This is a very much welcomed addition to the Star Trek universe, one that you should consider the next time you are looking for something to watch. 

It is available for streaming on Paramount Plus. Trust me when I say, it is well worth your time. 

Movie Reviews, movies, Series Reviews

South Park: The Streaming Wars (2022) Review

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The fellas at South Park have released a few made for streaming specials that are anything but special. While I do appreciate that the comedy is evolving and adapting to a newer audience, it is a style that doesn’t always vibe with me. I am not a purist in any anyway. There are older episodes of the IP that I enjoyed when I was young, but haven’t aged well. There are episodes from the newer seasons that I enjoy, but I do find myself enjoying the series less and less. I did not care much for any of the made for streaming specials, they weren’t terrible but they didn’t leave much of an impression. I am struggling to remember the plot of them as I write this review.

The streaming wars special is a criticism of water rights and a discussion of the problems with streaming services in the form of a Chinatown parody. While I did appreciate the references, I don’t think a lot of the newer audiences will find it as funny. A lot of the humor is very on the nose, pointing out obvious problems with the state of streaming. Characters will poke fun at how many options there are for streaming as well as share the frustration of having to be constantly be switching between each one. It gets a bit tedious when every other scene seems to be dedicated to pointing this out. The same can be said for the special’s valid criticism about water misuse. It feels more like a lecture than an episode of South Park and that was a problem for me.

The special is only available through Paramount+, but it isn’t worth subscribing to another service just to watch a special for a series that isn’t as funny as you remember.

Movie Reviews, movies

Movie Review: Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore(2022)

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I expected a lot more magic from a movie about wizards. While there are a few scenes that tickle my desire for wizard violence, it is often cut short for political garbage that I didn’t care for. If I wanted to watch a political movie about zealots and corruption, there are better avenues.  

As far as prequels go, I don’t think The Secrets of Dumbledore was necessary. I don’t feel like the Fantastic beasts series really add much to the Harry Potter universe. While I thought the first Fantastic Beasts was fine, The Secrets of Dumbledore feels like a large derailment. Character growth was undone, magic rules are changed, and they took out all the beasts. This is a world where disaster can be done and undone at will, but in this movie we have to sit through procedural nonsense. All I want from my wizard movies is cool wizard battles.  

This movie has a fantastic cast and there are some fun, and some creative fights, but energy is wasted on a dull plot. There is all this build up to an epic fight between good and evil, but the battle isn’t epic. The setup is mostly perfect too, if you ignore the zealot nonsense and the weird dear ritual. There are tense and suspenseful moments as the heroes fight evil. You get a meaningful connection between Dumbledore and Grindelwald, but then the fight is a huge let down. It is outclassed and outshined by earlier less essential fights. Where did this momentum go? Where is all the magic? Where are all the beasts? 

I don’t think knowing any of the secrets added any character to Dumbledore, nor do I think this movie adds anything meaningful to the franchise. I am sure there is an audience for this movie, but this movie wasn’t for me. But what do I know, I am just a casual. You can watch it now on HBO.  

Movie Reviews, movies

Movie Review: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

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I’ve watched this movie a few times already, but even now forget what this movie is about. While I appreciate the attempt of bringing this older IP to a modern audience, it isn’t a very good attempt. This is a Ninja Turtles’ movie from the perspective of April. Instead of an action packed war against the Foot clan, you get a very bland about investigative journalism. 

Megan Fox is not a strong enough lead to make this movie work. With as stronger lead, this might have been a better movie, but it’s not. This movie needed someone who could at the very least act as if they were interested in solving crime or getting a story. Instead, you have an unenthused Megan Fox whose acting is inconsistent, her personality is flat, and she has no chemistry with any of the other characters.  

The other characters don’t fare much better. There isn’t enough time with the turtles to establish their personalities. You get a few pop culture references that will help age this movie terribly, but outside of that, they don’t make the impact they should. They are massive, each step seems to shake the world around them, but the dated CGI makes their movements look awkward and incomplete. The combat is boring to watch because it is so slow and ugly. If you are watching this film on anything larger than a smart phone, it is difficult to ignore how terribly this movie is aging. This movie will not stand the test of time, and it shouldn’t. 

You can find it on YouTube for free, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to look for it.  

Movie Reviews, movies

Movie Review: Morbius (2022)

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I had completely forgotten about this movie, and after watching this movie, I understand why. This unimpressive addition to the MCU should have been left as an uninspired pitch on the story board. This movie fails to set itself apart from any generic bargain bin action movie despite its fancy packaging. While the acting might set it apart from complete mediocrity, its narrative fails to inspire the least bit of intrigue. 

The movie follows a sickly doctor who is obsessed with finding a cure for his life-threatening ailment. His desperation for a cure leads his research to unethical avenues. His obsession finally pays off when he finds the cure. Unfortunately, the cure transforms him into a monster with an uncontrollable thirst for blood. Now he must find a way to quell his hunger without succumbing to his monstrous desires. 

Do not let the aesthetics of this movie blind you to the fact that at its core, this movie is a shallow addition to the MCU. The story is bland, the villain is boring, and the love interest is unnecessary. I believe a more appropriate term for this movie would be forgettable. I find it near impossible to remember what happened in this movie despite having just seen it.  Do yourself a favor, watch one of the better MCU movies.  

I found this movie free on YouTube, but even as free content I felt it was a waste of time. I’ve seen enough movies to know that this is one of those lazy plots that gets reskinned every year in an attempt to make a quick buck. It is frustrating, but it is the nature of the business. It is better forget about the existence of this  unremarkable movie than to have to sit through even a minute of it.  

Series Reviews

Obi-Wan Kenobi(2022) Initial Thoughts

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I am sure most of you have already seen the new expansion to the Star Wars universe, Obi-Wan Kenobi, that was just released on Disney+. For those still on the fence, I think waiting for more episodes might be a good play. While the acting and action are fine, It does little to set itself apart from anything else you’ve already seen. So far, Kenobi doesn’t offer anything new to the Star Wars universe. Instead, the show reinforces facts fans already know. If you’ve seen the movies, you know Kenobi feels guilt about Anikan’s fate. This show follows Kenobi as he deals with this guilt. The show also offers some obvious insight into characters that are already established. 

I wish Disney would write stories that focused on other narratives and other characters in the Star Wars universe. There are so many books and games that expand the lore, yet they continue to dish out the same narrative. I appreciate that they are attempting to keep the IP alive, but I need some variation. Kenobi feels like it is going to be another narrative of a fallen hero moving through his redemption arc, and I can only hope they make it interesting.  

The show is fine, although I wasn’t impressed. The new city is neat, the acting for the most part is fantastic, the music is amazing,  and there are some pretty solid action scenes.  My only complaint is that they settle for another babysitting plot. It is hard not to compare it to The Mandalorian because it becomes a similar story, which defiantly swayed my reception of the series. The Mandalorian does it better. Unless Kenobi can effectively expand on the universe, I fear it might become another shameless cash grab. It is a shame because Disney has proven its competence at creating interesting expansions to the lore. Star Wars: Rebels is a fantastic example of a series that introduces new and interesting characters and also properly expands on the universe without heavily relying on well-known characters. I can still cling to the hope that this show will be good because they have done it before, but I will have to wait till Friday to know for sure.  

Movie Reviews, movies

Movie Review: The Bob’s Burgers Movie (2022)

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The Bob’s Burgers Movie is a delightful and wholesome experience that I recommend to everyone. It is full of singing, dancing, and laughter, and it is a much-appreciated addition to the series. While I don’t believe the theater experience is necessary, I am glad to have seen it in theaters.

Bob’s Burgers is one of my favorite animated series. I have re-watched this show more times than I would like to admit. I was rightfully excited when I learned about this movie and my excitement has been properly reciprocated. I was skeptical about this movie, fearing that there would be changes made in order to capture a more general audience. I am relieved that the animators worked tirelessly to create a story that is not only true to the spirit of the series but expands on it as well.

This cute little murder mystery is one of the better ones to be released recently. Although you might figure out who the killer is early on, it won’t matter because of how much fun this movie is. The singing, dancing, and pageantry all work in conjunction with a very fun and interesting narrative. While the singing and animation aren’t on par with something you expect from Disney, it is fantastic in its own way. There are a lot of laughs to be had in this movie, and if you are a fan, even more so. I hope that this movie is canonical because there are some important moments of character growth that as a long-time fan left me teary-eyed with joy.

If you are a fan, you probably already watched it. It is full of Easter eggs and nods that will make you appreciate the attention to detail put into this film. Do not be discouraged if you have never seen the show before. Although you will miss out on some of the nuances and jokes, the story works well enough on its own that you will understand what is going on. You will still laugh, you will still cry, and you will even want to start watching a show you should already be watching.

This is a fantastic movie that truly captures what has made the Belcher family a staple in American pop culture. If you are a long-time fan, it will provide some very important insight into the Belcher family. Go watch this in theaters!

Movie Reviews, movies

Movie Reviews: Top Gun: Maverick(2022)

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This is a fantastic movie that you need to see in theaters. While I believed that this film was going to be another shameless attempt at cashing in on our nostalgia, I was properly impressed by an experience that I can only describe as breathtaking. This is not a vanity project by a self-absorbed actor, but a passion project by a man who revitalized my faith in reboots. Top Gun: Maverick earns its ticket price, and if you aren’t watching it in theaters, you are doing it wrong. 

Top Gun: Maverick is set after the events of the first movie. Maverick has been reassigned to train a new class of pilots for an impossible mission. Maverick is the only pilot for the job, but he must learn to overcome the demons of his past or risk the lives of the pilots he has in his hands.

This movie is as pro-America as you expect. Every scene is dripping in American flags, but it is an aesthetic fitting of the narrative. There is also plenty of references to the first movie expertly woven throughout this film, but they only serve as nods to the fans of the first movie. You do not need to see the first movie to understand this movie, they do a fantastic job at catching up the audience. The weakest part of this movie is the romantic plot, but it isn’t enough to ruin the movie. Jennifer Connelly sort of just exists in this movie, but her presence is very much appreciated. I wish they had done more with her character, but then it would take away from all the cool airplane stuff.

The best part of the movie has to be everything involving the jets. The dog fights will have you clutching at your seat, ripping away at the material. The flight scenes will have your heart racing, as you watch airplanes do seemingly impossible feats. Watching this movie in theaters is mandatory. Watching the planes on the big screen while feeling the vibrations of the engines make it a powerful experience. 

I particularly liked the evolution of Maverick’s character. While still plays by his own rules, age and experience have changed him. While some of it may be self-serving, it is nice to see a hero that isn’t stoic and emotionless. I enjoyed watching him work through his demons and grow as a character. It makes his character interesting, and it gives the movie a depth I didn’t expect from an action movie. 

You need to watch this movie, and it has to be in theaters! 

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Movie Reviews, movies

Movie Review: Gone Tomorrow (2017)

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Gone Tomorrow is the uninteresting thriller you will probably forget watching. While there isn’t anything objectively bad about this movie, it doesn’t have the presence needed to make it work. It feels like a lesser unintended Taken reboot, but I would much rather be watching Taken. This movie is about a group of stoic brothers who are searching for their missing niece. They will stop at almost nothing to get her back from a mysterious and insidious organization. This movie doesn’t deserver more details.  

The acting is fine, the story hits all the mandatory action movie tropes, but the villains don’t exist. There is so much emphasis on showing how cool the heroes are that they forget to spend any time on the villains. The henchmen are reprehensibly sad men who are slaves to a system, but are negligible at best when it comes to actually affecting the narrative. The main villain will make his few stale appearances throughout the movie, but honestly, I forgot he existed. The only indication of the villain’s malice is that he is willing to rape and kill without cause or reason. Movie makers, you can have an interesting villain without him being a rapist.  

I’ll keep saying it, you can’t have a hero without an interesting villain. The hero’s intentions may be pure and his actions just, but without any tangible adversities, his narrative doesn’t matter. A good action movie has tension, adversity, and a capable adversary. There is no point in watching an action movie that has no stakes. The exception to the rule is if the action is fun, but that isn’t the case here either. 

The film makers try to complicate the plot by making the henchmen more human. They regret their actions, but are slaves to the organization they work for. There is also an obvious twist that is thrown in that only slows down the movie.  Most of the time you are just watching a stoic man walk from one scene to the next, waiting for him to inevitably find the baby. 

It isn’t the worst movie I’ve seen. The acting is fine, but we’ve all seen this movie done better elsewhere. If you are going to throw this on and not pay attention, it is decent background noise. Don’t go out of your way to watch this, even if you are starving for new content. You can find it free on YouTube.