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Movie Reviews

Movie Review: Glorious (2022)

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I didn’t know what I was getting myself into with this movie, but I didn’t hate it. Sure it has its issues, but it is an interesting concept that is done fairly well. Glorious is a movie about a conversation between a god and a Wes that happens inside a rest stop bathroom. The god appears to Wes and spends the whole movie trying to convince him to sacrifice himself in order to save the universe from complete destruction. It is a bit pretentious as it talks about destiny and duty, but it is hard not to be when discussing these topics.

As far as horror movies go, this one isn’t scary. There are a few jump scares and some gross scenes, but it is all pretty tame. I would argue that it is more of a comedy because there is a bit of slapstick, but hardly any of the jokes land. The acting is okay, but there are some very awkward reads that are hard to overlook. The set and cheap special effects fit the overall tone of the movie. This movie gets very cheesy, but I never hated it for it. The story is okay. This movie takes a few unique risks, and they mostly pay off. Not everything they discuss is interesting, but it never got so bad I wanted to turn off the movie. The narrative properly builds to a nice twist, one that you can figure out if you pay attention to the conversation. I liked that it was a plausible twist because of all the clues scattered throughout the movie. This movie does a nice job of complicating the idea of the protagonist and heroes. This movie was definitely a nice surprise, but it is a surprise that is hard to recommend. 

This is a good movie if you like weird experimental films and don’t mind the low budget and the general cheesiness. If you have a Shudder subscription, go for it. Otherwise, I would hold off.

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Movie Review: Candyman 2021

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If you haven’t seen the new Candyman, what are you doing? Go watch this movie now and thank me after. This is a beautiful horror movie that is well worth your time. This film not only expands the lore of the original but gives it new life. Watching the original is not a requirement, this film does a fantastic job at providing enough context to make the narrative make sense. I remember watching the original when I was younger and remember liking it although admittedly, it did scare me. I vaguely remember the plot but I never felt lost by what was happening.

The movie follows the artist Anthony McCoy who is in search of inspiration for his next show. His search brings him to the urban legend of the Candyman. Candyman is the soul of a wronged man who can be summoned by saying his name five times to a mirror. Once summoned, Candyman kills those who summon him, becoming the monster he was made to be. Antony’s fascination becomes an obsession as now all he can do or think about is related to the urban legend. Anthony has unknowingly unleashed Candyman back onto the streets of gentrified Chicago. Will this obsession be his downfall, or Anthony be the one to lay the legend of Candyman to rest?

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Movie Review: The Black Phone (2022)

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The Black Phone is a welcome addition to the horror genre, one that leaves me hopeful for the future of scary movies. If you are thinking of watching this movie, just buy the tickets already. This movie is worth the theater experience. This terrifyingly suspenseful thriller will have you the most stressed you have ever been in a movie as you experience the cold isolated realm carefully crafted by the Grabber.

The sleepy town of Boulder Colorado has been hit with a series of kidnappings. The town is in a panic as they fear for the safety of their young boys. The movie focuses on Fin, the Grabber’s latest victim, who has the supernatural ability to speak with the dead through an old phone. Will Fin be the one to get away, or will he be just another victim?

This is a fantastic movie with amazing actors, a great story, and well-crafted horror. There are no cheap jump scares, farfetched storylines, or torture porn here. Instead, you have a tense and stressful situation effectively created through the isolation of the room and the maddening performance of Ethan Hawk. He is creepy, he is odd, and he is frightening. Hawk is a brilliant villain whose performance alone is worth the ticket price. But this movie is not possible without the equally brilliant child actors who help fuel a lot of the tension and suspense of this movie. You couple all of this with the movie’s terrifyingly stunning visuals and editing, and you get one of the creepiest movies I have seen in a while. The Black Phone is horror done correctly.

You need to watch this movie, and it needs to be in theaters.

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Movie Reviews: The Inherited (2016)

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I didn’t know Lifetime made horror movies, but here we have the oddest ghost story you probably shouldn’t watch. I had to take multiple breaks to get through this movie, and it wasn’t worth it. The acting is very stiff and awkward. This kills all suspense; horror movies rely heavily on good suspenseful buildup. At least there aren’t any cheap jump scares. If there are jump scares, they are so poorly done that I didn’t notice. This is a very incompetent movie. The story is full of holes, and it never knows what it wants to be. Is this a movie about murder? A haunting? Spousal abuse? It is dumber than you could imagine.

The inherited is about a newly-wed couple who move into a mansion that the husband inherits. There is something sinister in the house, and it is Tom, the husband. The ghost of Tom’s ex-wife still roams the house, but the worst thing she does is try to open locked doors. Tom, on the other hand, is short-tempered and aggressive. There are a lot of red flags in this relationship, and it is not because the house is haunted. There is a scene in this movie where he is on the verge of hitting Eve because she was voicing that she felt unsafe in the house. I was more worried that Eve was stuck in an abusive relationship than anything the ghost could have done. 

This movie never figures out what it wants to be. It sets up an ominous town with creepy citizens like in Get Out, but they don’t do anything. After investigating Tom’s past, it is implied that he might have murdered his ex-wife, but he didn’t. There is a ghost in the house, but she doesn’t do anything sinester either. It takes an hour for this movie to remember it is horror and by then, there are only 20 minutes left. 

Eve is a dumb character. With possible murder on the table, Eve still doesn’t leave a clearly abusive husband. She gets poisoned, and she still decides to stay and work things out.Then there is ghost who roams the halls. You find out that its the ghost of the ex-wife. This is possibly the most helpful ghost in cinema since Casper. This ghost talks to Eve when she is lonely and even helps with the housework. It is no wonder that in the end, after Tom is murdered, Eve decides to co-parent a child with the ghost. Eve wins this movie. She gets a huge train money inheritance, a nice mansion, and a family. What more can a girl ask for? 

This movie is bonkers, but not in a fun way. It moves too slowly and the acting is terrible. It is free on YouTube, but I would honestly skip it.

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Movie Review: Awake (2021

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Awake is incredibly disappointing. Awake is a horror movie where the monster is human nature. People are no longer able to sleep, and sleep deprivation is slowly killing humanity. Now the race is on to find a cure before humanity goes extinct. The movie focuses on a dysfunctional family and their survival. You get to watch as society crumbles under the weight of sleep deprivation.

This movie is alright. The acting is decent, the action is appropriate, but the ending is terrible. This is a great example of a movie that uses its run time to build up to nothing. What makes this movie hard to recommend is that it makes some solid artistic choices, but it doesn’t make enough of them to make this movie work. Awake is good at showing the story rather than relying on exposition. For example, in the first few minutes, you are introduced to Jill who is a recovering addict who is trying to give her family a better life. You know this because the son will check the car for drugs or they will make slights at the mom for being late or looking tired. You get a lot of Jill’s back story without the characters having to explicitly say anything about it. I liked this form of storytelling and hope more movies can follow suit.

I liked Jill as a character. She isn’t perfect, some of her dialogue isn’t good, but she has some redeemable moments. Jill is smart, capable, and most importantly, human. Jill doesn’t go into situations guns blazing like she is immortal. Instead, she takes the time to think and only engages when she has to because there are stakes. These stakes give the movie much-needed tension, too bad it leads nowhere.

I can’t recommend this movie. There are parts of this movie that I liked, but I can’t forgive the ending. The movie does a good job of introducing different plausible conclusions. There could be a cure, God’s wrath, scientific mumbo-jumbo, or even aliens. But instead, the movie ends in disappointment. SPOILERS: The movie ends with a baptism. As a way to start over. The kids figure that people need to die to start over so they take Jill to the river and drown her and then the movie ends. You don’t know if the cure worked. You don’t know what happens to humanity. It just ends and I was left bitter about it.

Don’t watch this movie. This is another failed attempt at another A Quite Place clone. Go watch that instead. But if yo don’t believe me, you can watch it on Netflix.

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Movie Review: Kept Woman (2015)

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Kept Woman is a horror movie where the monster is toxic masculinity. The film is about a strong, intelligent, independent Jessica who is kidnapped and forced to live the rest of her life as a 1950’s American housewife in her neighbor’s basement. It is a story about the struggle between modern womanhood and the pressure of an always creeping outdated ideal. Kept Woman attempts to create horror in the mundane, almost like in Stepford Wives or Get Out. The monster isn’t scary, but rather the need for idyllic perfection. As a result, there are some beautiful set designs, but faulty execution.

The movie spends the first half of the movie establishing Jessica as the here. She is a quirky and intelligent amateur sleuth. The movie wastes so much time on her development, that the horror is limited to the last 30 minutes of the film. It is dull and disappointing. I believe the intent was to build up to a powerful moment when she escapes, but it doesn’t pan out as such. It feels rushed and forced. Some cool moments in this movie suggest that a bigger budget and better writing might have saved this movie, but as is, this movie is a waste of time. 

If you want a movie with the same plot done better, watch 10 Cloverfield Lane. It has the same plot done better, even with the whole alien subplot. But if you don’t believe me, you can watch it on Amazon Video with a Prime subscription.