If you have seen movies like The Ring or It Follows, you have seen Smile. Smile does nothing to stand out against the other clones, and I can’t help but feel disappointed by the experience. If you are curious about this movie, I urge you to wait till you can stream it. Smile is not worth the ticket price.
Smile is just another curse movie where the main character is marked by evil and now has seven days to find a way to free herself or die. This generic character is now plagued by terrible visions that follow her relentlessly. Her time is running out, and so is her grip on reality. Will she be able to figure out a way to free herself from the curse, or will she be doomed to be another of its victims?
There is no denying the fact that Smile is a mediocre horror movie with very little substance. While it may not have been the worst horror released this year, it sits in a very forgettable place. While the acting may be fine, the story and its pacing are not. The narrative unravels much too slowly to be entertaining. The film might have some decent jump scares and a few creepy moments, but it takes too long to get to them. This plot becomes very predictable and I found myself just waiting for the next jump scare.This is a movie you throw on in the background when you can afford to ignore all the boring bits.
Smile is a better-acted and produced version of It Follows but with fewer teens and sex. If you have been curious about this movie, I suggest you wait for it to come out on a more comfortable medium. The theater experience will add nothing to your enjoyment of this film. Smile may not have been bad enough to make me angry, but it isn’t good enough to recommend either.
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Movie Review: Pearl (2022)
Pearl is the unnecessary prequel to the horror movie X. While I did enjoy it more than the original, it doesn’t add anything new to the narrative. Both of these movies seem to exist as separate stories in the same universe, so it doesn’t matter in which order you watch them. The only tangible connection between these movies is a few scattered references that aren’t very important to your understanding of the plot. These connections seemed more like Easter eggs than actual plot points.
Pearl is the story of a young and troubled farm girl with big dreams. Pearl wants to be a movie star so that others will love her, but she is bound by her duty to her family and farm and is incapable of pursuing her dreams. Trapped on this farm, Pearl becomes frustrated and angry that she can’t have the life she dreams about. The movie focuses on how Pearl deals with her frustrations and mounting anger.
Overall, this movie was okay. The acting is fantastic, the tone is fun, and the story is fine. Pearl is an interesting character, and Mia Goth carries this movie. There are some very intense scenes that are only possible because Goth is amazing. I love the quirky tone of the narrative. It creates a nice contrast to the dark themes this movie plays with, and it gives the film its unique flavor.
Pearl isn’t a bad origin story, there have been far worse attempts this year, but it wasn’t necessary. It doesn’t add anything to the universe. Watching them back to back made me appreciate Pearl a bit more because the story was better, but I don’t feel like I have more complete experience having watched both.
If you are looking for a horror movie to watch, Pearl is a solid choice. Pearl is a unique entry into the genre that you should at least watch for the experience. I wouldn’t go out of my way to watch it, it isn’t that special, but you won’t hate it if you do. I am glad I watched this movie, but I wouldn’t watch it again.
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Movie Review: X (2022)
X is a solid slasher film, but it didn’t leave much of an impression. It is a beautifully shot movie with a solid foundation, but it is a slow burn with little payoff. It certainly stands out amongst all the other horror I’ve watched this season. It’s a much better story than Halloween Ends. If you are looking for something to watch and don’t mind the nudity, X is a solid choice. I don’t regret watching this movie, but it isn’t something I will ever be revisiting.
X is about an overly ambitious porn producer and his dream to make the next big porno. He and his cast and crew head to a remote farm in Texas where they will film his first and greatest movie. Filming goes better than expected, but there is something sinister on the farm. Before they can finish their film, the crew begins to get hunted. Will they be able to make it out alive?
This movie is okay. There is enough good with it that you won’t hate it if you watch it. The acting is great, the visuals are fantastic, and the story is fine. The problem most viewers will have with this movie is you have to sit through an hour of people making a porno. It goes without saying, if you don’t like sex and nudity, do not watch this movie.
The movie is a solid addition to the horror genre. There is proper suspense, some creepy scenes, and some fun kills. The problem is that it takes too long to get to the horror. I get that they are trying to create deeper characters and a more meaningful narrative, but it takes away from the horror. Don’t get me wrong, I like that there is an attempt to give slasher movies a stronger narrative, but they haven’t figured out the perfect balance between murder and story. It is a great attempt, but it falls flat.
If you don’t mind the softcore porn and you are patient, sure, it’s something to watch. It clears a very low bar to be better than average. I wouldn’t go out of my way to watch it, but it’s fine if you want to kill some time.
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Movie Review: Jeepers Creepers:Reborn (2022)
They should let the Jeepers Creepers series die already. We haven’t gotten a good one in years, and Jeepers Creepers Reborn isn’t the rebirth the series was hoping for. This cheap and uninspired sequel is better left forgotten and ignored. If you are searching for a movie to add to your Halloween marathon, please look elsewhere.
The film focuses on a couple that is on the verge of a life-changing moment. While the boyfriend plans a proposal, the girlfriend plans a pregnancy announcement. The plan is to make a big reveal at possibly the worst rave/Halloween festival put on screen. But before the couple can start the next phase of their lives, they must survive Jeepers Creepers. Will they survive? You will never know because you aren’t watching this garbage.
There is so much wrong with this movie that I am not sure where to start. The acting is bad, the writing is worse, and the plot doesn’t matter. I am convinced that whoever wrote this script has never held a real conversation or knows how real people speak. The dialogue is unreal, and a lot of it is used as lazy exposition because the filmmakers aren’t competent enough to show and not tell. The actors seem to be trying their hardest to make it work, but it’s hard to tell because the script doesn’t do them any favors.
The biggest issue with the plot is that it doesn’t exist. You get to sit through a boring rave before anything starts to happen. There is a changing montage in this movie to distract the audience from the fact that there isn’t enough plot for a movie. All this does is make me wish I was watching anything else. When Jeepers Creepers finally decides to come out, you are already halfway done with the movie. There was a convoluted cult subplot that was somehow integral to the film that I completely forgot about because this movie sucks at storytelling. What makes me the maddest about this whole experience is that this movie has the gal to sequel bait. They should just let this series die because they have clearly run out of ideas.
I assume this movie was a tax write-off. I refuse to believe that a group of people’s vision was to make something this terrible on purpose. If you see this movie in the wild, avoid it at all costs.
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Movie Review: Hellraiser (2022)
I was excited about the new Hellraiser because I loved the original, but I have since exchanged my excitement for disappointment. It is time to let this series die since it has run its course.
The movie focuses on a recovering drug addict who is struggling to get her life back together. Desperate for money, she breaks into an old warehouse where she finds the sinister puzzle box. After a relapse, she solves the puzzle and sets into motion the gruesome events that will change her life forever. The Cenobites are back and are looking to collect souls. Will she be able to make the sacrifices required to wish for her brother back, or will she be another claimed soul?
This movie is slow and dull, but at least the monster designs were interesting. I recommend skipping through any part without the Cenobites because the rest of this story doesn’t deserve your attention. What kills this movie for me is the pacing; it is unbearably slow. The original also has a pacing problem, but it is more interesting.
This movie is gore porn, designed to gross out its audience with gruesome death scenes and disgusting monsters. It doesn’t go as far as it can, and a bit of the gore is held back by its technology. Most of the kills are fine, and some are even creative, but there are some that are rendered poorly. Don’t watch this movie if you are looking for proper gore.
I take issue with this movie’s narrative style. Most of the time I was waiting around for the next death scene. The last fifteen minutes or so fair a bit better than the rest of the movie because that is when the most action happens. The ending has a few lazy twists, some poorly designed tension, and some interesting lore dumps, but nothing really goes out of your way to watch. I just wished the rest of the movie had the same energy as the last bit, it might have fared a little better.
If this movie existed in a vacuum, it would be fine. The acting is decent, and the deaths are solid. But it doesn’t, and there are better options out there. If you need horror movies to fill your Halloween marathon, watch the original instead. Otherwise, be prepared to skip around. You can stream it on Hulu, but I wouldn’t bother.
Movie Review: Orphan First Kill (2022)
The Orphan First Kill is the prequel that did not need to be made. It is a negligible addition to the universe that adds little to the lore. The prequel focuses on the events before the first movie, but nothing interesting happens. The acting was great, but it is wasted on a boring story with questionable writing. Do yourself a favor and skip this movie.
I went back and re-watched the first movie to see how it compared. It has been a while, and I wanted to make sure that my opinion of the movie wasn’t a memory made better because I was so bored with First Kill. The original is a far better movie. It isn’t perfect, but at least it was entertaining. First Kill doesn’t have any real direction. It pads the run time with sappy family moments then teases you with an interesting and unexpected twist, only to become another generic horror movie that isn’t worth your time.
This movie has a few good moments, but not enough to save it. I am going to spoil this movie to make my point. It doesn’t matter because you shouldn’t watch yourself, but a warning is still in order.
Ester goes to kill the detective that has been asking too many questions. In his final breaths, as Ester stands over him asking how he knew she was lying, a bullet pierces his head and leaves him lifeless. As he bleeds onto the carpet, Ester turns to see Julia Styles holding a gun. Styles confronts Ester about her lie, but instead of killing Ester and ending the movie, she blackmails Ester into keeping up the charade. Styles had been covering up the murder of the original Ester, and the new Ester was the piece she needed to make her husband happy again.
This was a great moment that easily stands out against the blandness carried throughout the rest of this film, but it is a moment wasted because the rest of the movie doesn’t have any of this energy. I liked that Ester was made a victim because it puts the audience in an uncomfortable position. Do they root for Ester who is conning the family and has a murderous past, or do you root for the family the dark secret she is conning that also wants her dead? It makes me mad that such an interesting idea sits so comfortably within such a disappointing movie.
You can stream this on Paramount+, but I wouldn’t bother.
Movie Review: The Long Night (2022)
The Long Night didn’t make much of an impression on me. It doesn’t do anything I would go rushing to see, but it had enough interesting visuals to keep my attention. The acting is solid, the story is okay, and the lore is pretty tame. I honestly don’t have much to say because it doesn’t stand out much from any other demon cult movies I’ve seen.
The Long Night is a story of a woman who is searching for her biological parents. This search brings her to a mysterious house in the middle of nowhere. She begins to hear voices and sees visions of cults and demons. The situation grows bleak when they are trapped in the house by a group of cultists. Now she and her boyfriend must survive the night. Will they be able to escape, or will they become a sacrifice to some unknown demon?
This movie is better than the average cult movie, but it isn’t something I would go rushing to see. The writing is a bit awkward, and the characters aren’t great. It is always harder to write about these movies because they don’t really inspire much. There are definitely things about this movie I appreciated, but it isn’t something I’ll be watching again. If you like the genre and are starving for a new horror movie, then this movie is fine. If not, you can live your life without it. You can stream it on Shudder.
Movie Review: Alone With You (2022)
Image by María Prieto from Pixabay
I don’t know where to start with this movie, but it is hard to talk about because it didn’t leave much of an impression. This is a well-intentioned film that tried something unique, but it has too many issues holding it back that make it impossible to recommend. Even if you like experimental horror movies, there isn’t anything noteworthy to this film. I suggest you skip it.
Alone With You is a psychological horror movie about a woman trapped in her apartment. Her night starts out normal as she waits for her girlfriend to come home from a trip. Strange things start to happen to her as time passes. Charlie finds herself trapped in a sinister loop of memories and thoughts as she becomes more desperate to escape this nightmare. She hears voices, sees visions, and keeps reliving bad memories about her relationship. Will she ever be able to leave, or will the insanity that binds her to the apartment keep her trapped there forever?
Nothing really happens in this movie despite it frantically jumping between memory, reality, and delusion. The main problem with the movie is that the lead isn’t good enough to carry the film. Sure there are some neat visuals, but there isn’t anything to hold the audience’s attention. A movie like this needs a lead that can create the tension required to make this movie work. This movie needed disorienting tension that builds to the big reveal at the end, but there isn’t much here. The big reveal is incredibly obvious, I figured it out before the horror even started. I wouldn’t mind this knowledge if the movie were entertaining, but it is not. It goes without say, but the acting is bad, and the story suffers for it.
Just skip this movie, I am sure you have better things to do with your time. But for those who don’t believe me, you stream it on Shudder.
Movie Review: The Reef: Stalked (2022)
After Jaws, there have been many attempts at creating another good shark movie. There are certainly some that stand out, but The Reef: Stalked isn’t one of them. This movie is about a group of diving buddies who go on vacation to a secluded island to mourn the loss of their friend. They plan on relaxing, diving, and dealing with their loss. While they enjoy the beauty of the ocean, something sinister has caught on to their scent. A shark now hunts for them. The race is on to a populated island miles away before the shark makes them its next meal. Will they survive the shark, or will they be another red spot in the ocean?
With how much good content there is to stream, there is no point in wasting your time with this movie. The acting is bad, the story is worse, and the graphics aren’t up to modern standards. This movie is boring. If you can ignore the plot holes and inconsistencies, nothing interesting happens. Sure there might be a couple of tense moments, but the rest of the time you are sitting waiting for anything to happen. There is an attempt at making this movie about getting over trauma, but maybe on the ocean with a blood-thirsty shark isn’t the best place to do so. There is a lot of filler in this movie because clearly there weren’t enough shark ideas for this shark movie.
It isn’t the worst movie I’ve seen, but there are better movies more worthy of your time. You can stream this on Shudder.
Movie Review: Allegoria (2022)
The Harrowing of Hell By Jacob van Swanenburgh. I couldn’t get the rights to the poster, but this painting was referenced in the movie. Source
This movie took a lot of effort to get through because of how unbearably pretentious it is. I had to take multiple breaks just to be able to finish it. That said, I don’t outright hate this movie. I have seen a lot worse, and there are things about this movie I did like, but it is hard to recommend. Unless you like low-budget experimental horror films, I wouldn’t bother.
Allegoria is an anthology of horror stories involving artists encountering evil. Monsters, demons, murders, and the unexplainable are wreaking havoc on the world’s most pretentious artists, and no one knows why. The stories are out of order, but surprisingly, they all connect at the end in a kind of satisfying way. The acting is solid for the most part, but the writing needs a lot of work. There are some clear moments of competence where the filmmaking, acting, and writing come together to create a great narrative, but most of the movie isn’t that.
The problem I have with anthologies is that not all the narratives are good. You get a few good stories, but you have to sit through all the bad ones. Most anthologies have a theme, like Tales From The Crypt. They might exist in the same universe but aren’t always connected aside from the theme and setting. The stories in this anthology are connected by a single event. I would argue that some of the connections between the stories are forced to make them fit the overall narrative. I appreciate the novelty of the storytelling in this movie, but I can’t get over the pretentiousness. Every narrative has a longwinded, eye-roll enduring monologue defining an art form, and there is only so much of that I could take.
I can’t recommend this movie because it is more bad than good. But if you like strange movies that are just okay, you can stream this on Shudder if you have a subscription.
