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Movie Reviews, movies

Movie Review: Gone Tomorrow (2017)

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Gone Tomorrow is the uninteresting thriller you will probably forget watching. While there isn’t anything objectively bad about this movie, it doesn’t have the presence needed to make it work. It feels like a lesser unintended Taken reboot, but I would much rather be watching Taken. This movie is about a group of stoic brothers who are searching for their missing niece. They will stop at almost nothing to get her back from a mysterious and insidious organization. This movie doesn’t deserver more details.  

The acting is fine, the story hits all the mandatory action movie tropes, but the villains don’t exist. There is so much emphasis on showing how cool the heroes are that they forget to spend any time on the villains. The henchmen are reprehensibly sad men who are slaves to a system, but are negligible at best when it comes to actually affecting the narrative. The main villain will make his few stale appearances throughout the movie, but honestly, I forgot he existed. The only indication of the villain’s malice is that he is willing to rape and kill without cause or reason. Movie makers, you can have an interesting villain without him being a rapist.  

I’ll keep saying it, you can’t have a hero without an interesting villain. The hero’s intentions may be pure and his actions just, but without any tangible adversities, his narrative doesn’t matter. A good action movie has tension, adversity, and a capable adversary. There is no point in watching an action movie that has no stakes. The exception to the rule is if the action is fun, but that isn’t the case here either. 

The film makers try to complicate the plot by making the henchmen more human. They regret their actions, but are slaves to the organization they work for. There is also an obvious twist that is thrown in that only slows down the movie.  Most of the time you are just watching a stoic man walk from one scene to the next, waiting for him to inevitably find the baby. 

It isn’t the worst movie I’ve seen. The acting is fine, but we’ve all seen this movie done better elsewhere. If you are going to throw this on and not pay attention, it is decent background noise. Don’t go out of your way to watch this, even if you are starving for new content. You can find it free on YouTube.  

Movie Reviews, movies

Movie Review: The Perfect Guy (2022)

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This was a very forgettable romantic comedy that tries a little too hard to be quirky. I couldn’t find any information about this movie, even on the lead’s (Kate Micucci) IMDb page. This might be an indication that this movie was meant to be buried, but I was the unfortunate soul that unearthed it. If you like quirky and wholesome comedy, this movie might be salvageable, but it is so slow and cringeworthy that I would caution against it.  

The Perfect Guy is about Emma who doesn’t trust men. Her ex-boyfriend left her, stealing her billion dollar idea for an app about stars. Because of this betrayal, the only deep male relationships she can have are with her cat and dog. She wishes that her pets could be men she could trust. Through the power of astrology, her wish comes true. Now her cat and dog must adapt to being human while they try to help Emma through her emotional turmoil. There is also a romantic subplot between Emma and a repair man, but it is brushed to the side to till the end. 

The writing for this movie is awful. A lot of the dialogue is awkward, contributing to a lot of the stiff acting. The story is dull. You sit through some awkward dates, humans doing pet stuff, and more awkward conversations with very little humor or intrigue in-between. There are some moments that made me chuckle, but there aren’t enough to make the experience better. This movie tries too hard to lean into the leads awkwardness, but fails to capture any of her charm.  

I will say that the actors who play the human pets are the best part of this movie. They have a lot of fun with their roles and do the best with what they are given. Unfortunately, Kate Micucci isn’t a strong enough actor to make this movie work. I have no problem with Kate Micucci, I’ve liked some of her work in the past, but she fits a very specific niche and unfortunately this movie isn’t it. That said, it is difficult to decern if the problem lies within the poorly script or the acting ability of the cast.  

The Perfect Guy is the awkward fairy tale you will forget watching. You can find it free on YouTube, but it isn’t really worth the trouble. It isn’t a terrible movie, but there are better things you can be doing with your time.  

Movie Reviews, movies

Movie Reviews: Grind (2003)

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Grind is a pleasantly nostalgic movie about skateboarding. The tricks are sick and story is pretty decent. If you grew up skating in the 90’s, you will probably understand more of it than I did. If you didn’t, you will still enjoy this fun underdog story. It is a story that has stood the test of time and will continue to do so.  

The movie follows a group of friends from Chicago who dream of being pro skaters. During their summer before college, they follow the pro skating scene with the hope of being discovered. All they want is a chance to prove themselves, will they be able to make it? 

I can tell that the film makers consulted a lot of skaters for this movie. A lot of skating scenes really highlight the sport. It truly feels like a love letter to skating. I love that this movie takes skate breaks. These breaks feel organic and it is really fun to see all the different places people can skate in. The acting and story are fantastic as well, but this movie does skating right! Go watch this movie if you want to get lost in some nostalgia. Or, go watch this movie anyways because it is a good movie.  

Go watch Grind over on YouTube. 

Movie Reviews, movies

Movie Review: Joe Dirt: A Beautiful Loser (2015)

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Joe Dirt 2 is the sequel no one asked for. It isn’t a direct sequel but rather a painfully unfunny and lazy parody of iconic movies starring Joe Dirt. Someone who I assume was on a lot of drugs thought it would be a fantastic idea to remake iconic movies with a character who wasn’t very funny to begin with. I remember liking the first movie, but I was the target audience at the time. I refuse to watch the movie now because deep down I know that it hasn’t aged well. After seeing this disaster of a sequel, I will let it live in my heart as the experience it was and not soil it with the experience it actually is.
The acting in this movie is terrible. It feels like people just showed up for their paycheck as no one tries remotely to be funny. This might be a symptom of this movie’s terrible script. There aren’t any funny jokes in this movie, just a series of unfunny skits loosely tied together by a framed narrative. This movie is a dream within two framed narratives where Joe learns that he was special the whole time. To illustrate what type of movie this is, there is a five-minute scene where people stand around and fart on Joe Dirt. The rest of the movie is no better as you have to sit through skits that go for way too long hoping the credits will roll to end your misery.
You can find this movie free on YouTube, but don’t bother. It isn’t funny and it isn’t worth your time. This sequel is anything but beautiful.

Movie Reviews, movies

Movie Review: The Competition(2018)

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I had to gut this review because every draft before this was too long. I was beginning to nitpick every aspect of this movie out of frustration, but this movie doesn’t deserve it. The Competition is bad and you should avoid it. 

The competition is supposed to be a quirky rom-com about an intelligent woman who views love and relationships scientifically. She creates an arbitrary formula that can predict when a someone will cheat in a relationship, but has never actually tested it. This formula is to the test when she falls in love with a man who was bribed to go out with her. Together they decide to test this formula by trying to trick five different people into cheating on their significant other. The outcome of this test will determine the outcome of their relationship. It is a lot dumber and annoying than you can imagine.  

This writing is terrible, the acting is stiff and awkward, and the plot is pseudoscience garbage. I’m not sure what upsets me more, the lack of science from a movie that desperately tries to convince its audience otherwise, or the irredeemable main characters you are supposed to be rooting for.  

The experiment they have is gross and unethical. This three million dollar idea wouldn’t produce a valid conclusion because the sample size is way too small and the test is heavily skewed to prove her hypothesis. The main character is insufferable. She is cocky and condescending without any real reason other than she’s good at making formulas. The formula behind this whole movie is one with arbitrary variables that she herself gages with a personal scale. This is the dumbest most frustrating movie I’ve seen in a while. It took me multiple breaks to get through this movie and it isn’t worth the trouble. 

You can watch it for free on YouTube, but I wouldn’t bother. 

Movie Reviews, movies

Movie Review: Dirty Work (1998)

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Dirty Work is a movie about being petty. A man must raise $50000 to pay for life-saving surgery and uses his pettiness to earn it. He and his brother are hired to exact petty revenge. It is a silly movie with a great cast that has aged decently but not without its faults.

While I did enjoy the film, I understand that it isn’t for everyone. The pacing, the jokes, and the tone are an issue. If you offend easy, avoid this movie. While there are some genuinely funny bits in this movie, some of the jokes have not aged well or don’t land. That said, the cast is talented enough to make this movie work. I love the obnoxious and loud tone. I love the petty over-the-top revenge schemes. There is no plot, but there are enough funny moments to keep you entertained. 

I recommend you through this movie on in the background while you work. The plot isn’t engaging enough for your full undivided attention. When the jokes don’t land, it starts to feel like a long movie. While I wouldn’t rush out to go see this, you won’t hate that you watched it. You can watch it free on YouTube. You can do a lot worse for free. 

Movie Reviews, movies

Movie Review: All We Had (2016)

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All We Had is a neat little film you can watch for free on YouTube. It details the struggles of a mother and daughter dealing with their homelessness. The film focuses on their desperation as they search for a normal life. This movie deals with hard topics such as homelessness, transphobia, and substance and sexual abuse. This isn’t a gruesome movie, but I felt a trigger warning was appropriate. A lot of the dark elements of this movie are implied rather than performed.

Overall, I thought this movie was fine. Although it does little to stand out from all the other emotional movies of the genre, I enjoyed it. The acting was fantastic, and the story is fine. If you like emotional and inspiring movies about overcoming adversity, this is a solid choice. Even if you don’t like the genre, you can appreciate the performance.

You can watch this for free on YouTube. You can do a lot worse for free.

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Movie Review: I Still See You (2018)

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As far as free teen mystery thrillers go, this one is okay. You will probably forget you watched it after, but there are worse ways to spend two hours. The acting is decent, but both the plot and the twist are predictable. As a teen movie, it hits many of the obligated traps. The edgy brooding teen girl is special because the plot needs her to be. She falls for the mysterious brooding boy because it’s in the script. There are some cheesy moments mixed in throughout because it needs to hit certain story beats. It is better than an average teen movie, but it isn’t winning awards. 

If you do decide to watch this movie, you must suspend all your disbelief. The science is not sound, and the movie will go out of its way to make the plot work. There is a lot of nonsense and inconsistencies in this movie that are hard to ignore because the plot moves so slowly.

I Still See You takes place in Chicago after a catastrophic explosion opens a portal into the spirit world. The dead now roam the world and are visible but intangible to the living. People are doing their best to return to normal life, but it becomes increasingly hard for Bella Thorne. Something is after Bella Thorne, and it is more obvious than you might think.

As far as mysteries go, this one is solvable within the first ten minutes. This might be a symptom of an over-ambitious filmmaker trying too hard to be deep. This movie is littered with clues as it attempts and fails to foreshadow an ending with very little payoff. Either Bella Thorne’s character is truly oblivious or I have been watching too many movies, but the clues aren’t subtle. Either way, whatever suspense and buildup this movie attempts to have wasn’t there for me.

If you are the target audience, you might have a better time with this movie. It isn’t a terrible movie, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to watch it. I would throw this on if I wanted something playing in the background but didn’t want to commit or pay all my attention. There are better movies in the genre, but you can do a lot worse for free. You can find it over on YouTube.

Movie Reviews, movies

Movie Review: The Count of Monte Cristo (2002)

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I love the novel this movie is adapted from. I rank it among one my favorite books and recommend it to anyone looking for a new book to read. Although the movie isn’t completely true to the novel, it is a fantastic adaptation that you must watch. I do hold the novel a bit more favorably, but this fact didn’t ruin my experience. I had a blast with this movie, and I believe you will too.

The Count of Monte Christo is a fantastic movie about revenge. It has some fantastic acting and a great narrative. It is easy to get immersed into the period’s politics and revenge plot because the characters are so well done. If you love period movies, this is easily a great staple of the genre.

Dante is a fantastic hero to root for. He is charismatic, intelligent, capable, and well deserving of his revenge. Although the ending is a bit on the fairytale side, it makes for a satisfying journey. This story has it all: romance, sword fights, betrayal, and revenge. What more can you ask for in a film?

The Count of Monte Cristo is a timeless narrative that continues to prove it will continue to be so. Best of all, you can watch it for free on YouTube!

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TV Movie Review: Journey to the Center of the Earth (2008)

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Journey to the Center of the Earth is a delightful explorer movie that should be a part of your never-ending backlog of movies you still need to watch. To clarify, this review is about the made-for-TV version, not the theatrical one starring Brendan Frasier.

As expected of any made-for-TV adaptation, this movie is a cheesy and low-budget retelling of a book of the same name. While I do not know how true this adaptation is to the book, it is an adaptation I very much enjoyed. Full disclosure, I have not seen the theatrical version, and I can’t make the comparison. That said, this film is proof that a movie doesn’t require a huge budget, fancy computer graphics, or big named actors to have a compelling story. While it may not be Indiana Jones, it nuzzles itself neatly into its charming place in the genre.

Professor Jonathan Brook has been hired by an heiress to find her lost husband Edward. With the help of a local Russian settler, his nephew, and the heiress, Jonathan must comb the Alaskan wilderness for Edward. What they find in Alaska is greater than the mere fate of a long-lost Edward.

I loved this movie, but this movie isn’t perfect. You can tell the actors are trying their hardest to do period-appropriate accents, some of the action is stiff and awkward, and the graphics are terrible, but that is part of the charm. All things considered, it can tell a compelling and interesting narrative. 

The only real issue I had with this movie was how they treated the natives. It is unavoidable for movies, especially older ones, to have problematic representations of minorities. It isn’t bad enough that I would discourage people from watching this movie, but it is an issue nonetheless. 

This is a pretty great way to spend two hours, especially if you love cheesy movies. You can watch this movie for free on YouTube. You can do a lot worse for free.