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Movie Reviews, movies

Movie Review: The Siege of Robin Hood (2022)

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The Siege of Robin Hood is a cheesy, low-budget fantasy movie you have not heard of for good reason. This film feels like a very well-funded LARP, unfortunately, it makes for a terrible movie. 

The Sheriff Of Nottingham is a tyrant who rules the land cruelly. The citizens have had enough but are unable to break away from his rule. It is up to Robin Hood and his band of misfits to storm the castle and give the land its peace and freedom. Do they have what it takes, or will they be another failed rebellion? 

This was exceptionally boring to watch. The costumes and the setting are the best things about this movie. They spent a lot of money on cool pieces of armor and weapons, but they ran out of money for the actors and sound. There are a couple of fun fights, but they are too few for this movie to be worth the trouble. Overall, this film’s greatest weakness lies in its actors. There are no actors in this movie, and a lot of this movie consists of a poorly written script performed terribly. Getting through this movie was hard work, work I hope you never have to do. 

The biggest issue with this movie is its lack of urgency. Nothing in this movie matters because there isn’t a threat or challenge for Robin Hood and his gang. The henchmen will die at the mere sight of the group, and Robin Hood will ex Machina his way out of everything. The villain in this movie is horribly written. The Sheriff Of Nottingham is evil for the sake of being evil. He rapes and pillages because he has to be the bad guy and that’s boring. A good villain needs clear motivation with competent henchmen so that the hero’s struggle is exciting and fun to watch. There is no weight to this villain and I was left waiting for Robin Hood to awkwardly stroll to the final disappointing battle. It is a shame because there are a couple of well-choreographed fights that leave me more disappointed in this movie. Why couldn’t the movie be full of well-choreographed and fun fights if they were going to skimp on actors and narrative? 

This movie is a complete waste of time. I like cheesy movies, but this takes it to an unwatchable level. If you like to watch bad movies to make fun of them, don’t bother with this one because it isn’t as fun as you might think. I don’t know who funded this LARP, but it wasn’t worth it. You aren’t the target audience. 

Movie Reviews, movies

Movie Review: Choose or Die (2022)

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I’ve seen enough of these curse game movies to have low expectations of the genre. However, I was pleasantly surprised by Choose or Die. While it may not leave a lasting impression, it isn’t the worst way to spend two hours. I honestly believe it to be one of the better films in the genre. 

Choose or Die is about a girl Thea who is really good at computers. As she is desperately trying to find ways to make some extra money, she stumbles onto a text-based RPG that promises a healthy payout. While the game seems innocent, it comes with some deadly consequences. Now she is trapped in the game of her life. Will she win it all, or die trying?

Choose or Die does enough to keep it from being another bad entry to the genre, but it is far from perfect. The acting is solid, and some games are creative, but the narrative is lacking. Thea is a solid protagonist. Usually, movies like this feature a bland misrepresented character that is inexplicably perfect when the plot needs her to be. Thea on the other hand is shown early on to be a capable computer engineer. It isn’t random or unbelievable when she plays the game competently or when she overcomes obstacles. She is also likable enough, although there is some bad writing that keeps her from being better. 

The games Thea is forced to play are fun and creative for the most part. This movie does a decent job converting text-based RPG elements into a realistic and suspenseful challenge that Thea must overcome. Most importantly, these games are winnable. In some of the Saw movies or that dumb Escape Room movie, the games aren’t winnable. Instead of the suspenseful ride of watching someone trying to win their life, you get torture porn. While there is nothing wrong with that type of genre, it isn’t horror. You don’t see much torture in Choose or Die instead it becomes a very intense puzzle where the choices are difficult, but not impossible. Unfortunately, not all of the games are created equal. This will hurt this movie’s rewatchability.

My only complaint is with the writing. There are a few very cheesy moments that destroy the tension. Terrible one-liners, cheesy outcomes, and the pointless scenes with the drug dealer kind of slow the movie down and distract from the more creative bits. There is also a lot of buildup to a very disappointing ending that almost ruins the experience. 

You can watch this movie on Netflix. While I wouldn’t go out of my way to watch it, it’s not bad if you have nothing else to do.

Movie Reviews, movies

Movie Review: The Northman (2022)

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I was not expecting a fantasy adventure from The Northman, but I am not one to complain as I have been starving for a good fantasy. From the trailers, this seemed like another revenge action movie only with a Viking skin, but I was surprised that there was a bit more depth to it. The Northman is essentially Hamlet adapted to Nordic mythology, and it works beautifully. A bit of warning, this is a bloody and violent movie, but so was the original tragedy.

The Northman follows a young boy on his quest for revenge. Amleth’s uncle has slain his father and taken over his clan. Amleth vows to avenge his father, save his mother, and restore his honor. His destiny guides his journey, and his journey is an excellent way to spend two hours. 

I enjoyed this movie more than I thought I would because of how much attention to detail there was. I am not sure about the historical accuracy of the movie, but a lot of the lore and the references to Hamlet were spot on. This movie is well-acted, and beautifully shot, and the story is fantastic. I loved how action scenes that were long single takes. They are very creative and not the jarring million-cut action scenes we’ve become accustomed to in modern action movies. There are also a lot of long wide shots of the beautiful Icelandic landscape that are simply breathtaking. My only complaint is that some of the scenes take a bit too long, but it doesn’t make this movie unwatchable. 

If you love Vikings and revenge, you probably already saw this movie. For everyone, this movie is worth the experience. This is the Hamlet adaptation you didn’t know you need it. You can watch The Northman on Peacock.

Movie Reviews, movies

Movie Review: Last Holiday (2006)

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Queen Latifah proves once again that she can be good in anything. This isn’t a very good movie, but I can’t deny that her performance gives this movie its life. I liked it when I watched it long ago, but watching it again came with the uncomfortable realization that Last Holiday has not aged well. It is a bit too cartoonish, and I can never be comfortable with the tokenism.

Last Holiday is about Georgia, a woman who lives a very restricted life because she is waiting for a perfect moment that might never come. She saves her money, clips coupons, only eats lean cuisines, and never makes any unnecessary waves in the world. This changes when she is given only three weeks to live. She spends those three weeks fulfilling everything in her book of possibilities.

As far as bucket lists movies go, this one will always have a special place in my heart. I am biased. I like the light-hearted tone mixed with some very valid criticism about life and greed. It does get a bit preachy at points, and some scenes are difficult to watch, but it isn’t unwatchable. While her performance is amazing, there are some actors that lack the ability. The plot is a bit on the wacky side and some of the bits aren’t as funny as they used to be. I loved the scenes where she talks to the French chef. It was in these moments that the movie wasn’t trying too hard to be funny and wacky, and although the performance wasn’t great, it was a real and authentic exchange. I wish the rest of the movie carried this tone, but then it wouldn’t be a comedy. 

You can watch this movie on YouTube for free. My only suggestion is that you throw this up in the background while you work on other stuff. There are a few scenes you can skip. Last Holiday is average at best, but Queen Latifah is as fantastic as always.

Movie Reviews, movies

Movie Review: Don’t Get Caught (2018)

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Don’t Get Caught is an action stoner comedy that you haven’t heard of for good reason. This lazy and uninspired movie does not deserve your time. The acting is horrible, the editing is terrible, and there is no plot. You can find this movie free on YouTube, but it isn’t worth the trouble. There is absolutely no amount of weed in this world that would make this movie even a little funny.

Don’t Get Caught is about a couple of guys who stumble on a weed farm one day. They decide to steal the weed and sell it for profit. Unfortunately, the owner of the field finds out and wants his product back. This escalates to what is possibly one of the dumbest shootouts in history. They kill the biker gang, save the stripper, and get to keep all the money.

There are a couple of celebrity cameos in this movie to trick people into watching the movie. They only have one line and it isn’t very good. This is a shameless way to get people interested in a movie that is too lazy to edit its scenes correctly. There are scenes in this movie that will end mid-sentence and jarringly transition to the next scene. Don’t waste your time on a movie that is too lazy to put in the effort on proper editing. 

It was painful sitting through this movie. The poorly scripted dialogue delivered by the most wooden acting makes this movie a chore to sit through. None of the jokes land, none of the situations are funny, and none of the action is suspenseful or exciting. It doesn’t help that the whole movie is full of terribly echoey sound. They cut too many corners, and it makes this movie unwatchable. I can’t believe I sat through this whole movie.

I deserve a refund for having to sit through this god-awful movie. At least the music was good.

Movie Reviews, movies

Movie Review: Once Bitten (1985)

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I was unimpressed by Once Bitten. This comedy has not aged well. A lot of the jokes no longer land, making this movie feel as eternal as the life of the vampires in it. Once Bitten is an absurd and unstructured comedy that relies heavily on the absurdity of the narrative. You have a matron of vampires who are starving for her eternal youth. To achieve this, she must drink virgin blood three times before Halloween, or she will age terribly. As a result, this movie is full of misunderstandings, innuendos, and horny teenagers. 

This movie isn’t terrible, the acting is fine, and the soundtrack is fantastic, but the pacing is a problem. The pacing is already slow, but it feels slower because you will have to sit through a number of unfunny and uncomfortable scenes. This isn’t the hyperactive Jim Carrey you might know him as, but a rather subdued character trying to figure life out. He like this movie is instantly forgettable. 

The only positive worth mentioning is the soundtrack. I love the music in this movie, but it isn’t enough to save this movie. The only scene that I enjoyed was the dance fight that happens towards the end. The music choice, the choreography, and the energy that the actors bring to their performance make me sad that this movie isn’t a musical. If you haven’t seen it, check it out because it is fun! Unfortunately, the rest of this movie lacks this energy and it suffers for it. 

You can watch this movie free on YouTube, but I wouldn’t bother. It isn’t terrible, but there are better uses for your time.

Movie Reviews, movies, Series Reviews

South Park: The Streaming Wars (2022) Review

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The fellas at South Park have released a few made for streaming specials that are anything but special. While I do appreciate that the comedy is evolving and adapting to a newer audience, it is a style that doesn’t always vibe with me. I am not a purist in any anyway. There are older episodes of the IP that I enjoyed when I was young, but haven’t aged well. There are episodes from the newer seasons that I enjoy, but I do find myself enjoying the series less and less. I did not care much for any of the made for streaming specials, they weren’t terrible but they didn’t leave much of an impression. I am struggling to remember the plot of them as I write this review.

The streaming wars special is a criticism of water rights and a discussion of the problems with streaming services in the form of a Chinatown parody. While I did appreciate the references, I don’t think a lot of the newer audiences will find it as funny. A lot of the humor is very on the nose, pointing out obvious problems with the state of streaming. Characters will poke fun at how many options there are for streaming as well as share the frustration of having to be constantly be switching between each one. It gets a bit tedious when every other scene seems to be dedicated to pointing this out. The same can be said for the special’s valid criticism about water misuse. It feels more like a lecture than an episode of South Park and that was a problem for me.

The special is only available through Paramount+, but it isn’t worth subscribing to another service just to watch a special for a series that isn’t as funny as you remember.

Movie Reviews, movies

Movie Review: Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore(2022)

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I expected a lot more magic from a movie about wizards. While there are a few scenes that tickle my desire for wizard violence, it is often cut short for political garbage that I didn’t care for. If I wanted to watch a political movie about zealots and corruption, there are better avenues.  

As far as prequels go, I don’t think The Secrets of Dumbledore was necessary. I don’t feel like the Fantastic beasts series really add much to the Harry Potter universe. While I thought the first Fantastic Beasts was fine, The Secrets of Dumbledore feels like a large derailment. Character growth was undone, magic rules are changed, and they took out all the beasts. This is a world where disaster can be done and undone at will, but in this movie we have to sit through procedural nonsense. All I want from my wizard movies is cool wizard battles.  

This movie has a fantastic cast and there are some fun, and some creative fights, but energy is wasted on a dull plot. There is all this build up to an epic fight between good and evil, but the battle isn’t epic. The setup is mostly perfect too, if you ignore the zealot nonsense and the weird dear ritual. There are tense and suspenseful moments as the heroes fight evil. You get a meaningful connection between Dumbledore and Grindelwald, but then the fight is a huge let down. It is outclassed and outshined by earlier less essential fights. Where did this momentum go? Where is all the magic? Where are all the beasts? 

I don’t think knowing any of the secrets added any character to Dumbledore, nor do I think this movie adds anything meaningful to the franchise. I am sure there is an audience for this movie, but this movie wasn’t for me. But what do I know, I am just a casual. You can watch it now on HBO.  

Movie Reviews, movies

Movie Review: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

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I’ve watched this movie a few times already, but even now forget what this movie is about. While I appreciate the attempt of bringing this older IP to a modern audience, it isn’t a very good attempt. This is a Ninja Turtles’ movie from the perspective of April. Instead of an action packed war against the Foot clan, you get a very bland about investigative journalism. 

Megan Fox is not a strong enough lead to make this movie work. With as stronger lead, this might have been a better movie, but it’s not. This movie needed someone who could at the very least act as if they were interested in solving crime or getting a story. Instead, you have an unenthused Megan Fox whose acting is inconsistent, her personality is flat, and she has no chemistry with any of the other characters.  

The other characters don’t fare much better. There isn’t enough time with the turtles to establish their personalities. You get a few pop culture references that will help age this movie terribly, but outside of that, they don’t make the impact they should. They are massive, each step seems to shake the world around them, but the dated CGI makes their movements look awkward and incomplete. The combat is boring to watch because it is so slow and ugly. If you are watching this film on anything larger than a smart phone, it is difficult to ignore how terribly this movie is aging. This movie will not stand the test of time, and it shouldn’t. 

You can find it on YouTube for free, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to look for it.  

Movie Reviews, movies

Movie Review: The Bob’s Burgers Movie (2022)

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The Bob’s Burgers Movie is a delightful and wholesome experience that I recommend to everyone. It is full of singing, dancing, and laughter, and it is a much-appreciated addition to the series. While I don’t believe the theater experience is necessary, I am glad to have seen it in theaters.

Bob’s Burgers is one of my favorite animated series. I have re-watched this show more times than I would like to admit. I was rightfully excited when I learned about this movie and my excitement has been properly reciprocated. I was skeptical about this movie, fearing that there would be changes made in order to capture a more general audience. I am relieved that the animators worked tirelessly to create a story that is not only true to the spirit of the series but expands on it as well.

This cute little murder mystery is one of the better ones to be released recently. Although you might figure out who the killer is early on, it won’t matter because of how much fun this movie is. The singing, dancing, and pageantry all work in conjunction with a very fun and interesting narrative. While the singing and animation aren’t on par with something you expect from Disney, it is fantastic in its own way. There are a lot of laughs to be had in this movie, and if you are a fan, even more so. I hope that this movie is canonical because there are some important moments of character growth that as a long-time fan left me teary-eyed with joy.

If you are a fan, you probably already watched it. It is full of Easter eggs and nods that will make you appreciate the attention to detail put into this film. Do not be discouraged if you have never seen the show before. Although you will miss out on some of the nuances and jokes, the story works well enough on its own that you will understand what is going on. You will still laugh, you will still cry, and you will even want to start watching a show you should already be watching.

This is a fantastic movie that truly captures what has made the Belcher family a staple in American pop culture. If you are a long-time fan, it will provide some very important insight into the Belcher family. Go watch this in theaters!