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Movie Reviews, movies

Movie Review: Lantern’s Lane (2021)

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Do not waste your time on this terrible movie. The camera work, the plot, the acting, and the big reveal are irredeemably bad. There is nothing worth watching in this movie.

Lantern’s lane is about a girl who returns to her rural home town where she reunites with friends from high school. Bitter that she hasn’t returned, her friends attempt to play a prank on her by scaring her. Things turn sour when a killer starts hunting them instead. The mom and daughter from the opening scene are the killers. This movie spoils its ending in the first five minutes of play time with its terrible acting and camera work. Lantern’s Lane is a great example of a filmmaker who is trying way too hard to be symbolic. This movie is full of obvious foreshadowing that ruins any tension that this movie could have had. Not that anything of note ever happens. It takes a whole hour before the horror element comes into play, but it doesn’t matter because you already know who the killer is.

Instead, you are forced to sit through terribly read high school drama no one asked for. I don’t know which is worse, the acting or the writing. I don’t think anyone involved with the making of this movie has ever talked to a real person before. The dialogue in this movie is unreal. You can mash your keyboard right now, and the outcome would be better dialogue.

And the editing of this movie? I don’t think there is a single scene in this movie that isn’t a collection of shots lazily pieced together. There are more cuts in a scene of simple dialogue than there are in an MCU fight scene. Disney cuts fight scenes to hide the fact that the actors can’t fight. This movie does it to hide the fact that they can’t act. There are moments of dialogue where there is a 5-second delay before an actor responds to what was just said. I wouldn’t be surprised if the actors weren’t competent enough to remember simple dialogue. 

Don’t waste your time with this movie. Even if you like watching bad movies for fun, there’s nothing here for you. It isn’t worth sitting through because nothing happens. You don’t even get to see anyone die. But if you don’t believe me, you can watch it on Hulu.

Movie Reviews, movies

YouTube Movie Review: A.I. Artificial Intelligence (2001)

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A.I. Artificial Intelligence is a live-action adaption of Pinocchio set in the future. It features a great cast playing interesting characters in a cool-looking world. My only complaint is that it is a bit on the longer side. Some of the scenes are a bit drawn out, but I enjoyed the experience nonetheless. As far as live-action adaptions, this is easily one of the best. At the very least it is better than the recent Disney live-action movies. Cruella is possibly the only exception.

A.I. deals a lot with what makes someone human. It explores humanity through the eyes of a boy learning about the world set as an epic adventure. This adventure feels epic, full of challenges and intrigue. The world that Spielberg creates for this film is one you will want to explore. The colors, the noise, its inhabitants are all icing to an already solid movie. I can see the influence this movie has had in other films of the genres.

The adventure is the most important part of this movie. David learns about the cruelty of humanity, but he also learns love and compassion. He learns about lust and desire, but he also learns about love. It is an interesting attempt at defining humanity. But there is also that overarching criticism of society. Through David’s adventure, this movie tests the limits and bounds of human compassion. A.I. makes powerful criticisms about humanity in a spectacular way.

A.I. Artificial Intelligence was a solid movie that you can watch for free on YouTube. You can do a lot worse for free.

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Movie Reviews, movies

YouTube Movie Reviews: The Duchess (2008)

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I have an indifference when it comes to period movies or TV shows. I don’t generally seek them out, but I don’t have any real problem with them. I feel this same indifference about The Duchess. It is a pretty average movie that didn’t leave much of an impression on me. If you like period movies, I think it is a pretty solid one. The acting is great, the costumes are pretty, but the story leaves a lot to be desired. This movie is based on real events, and my disappointments come with the restrictions that come with it.

I loved the first half of this movie. I love G as a character. She is witty, charismatic, and I loved her outfits. The costumes in this movie are easily my favorite part. The second half is where I lost interest because the movie slows down too much to be enjoyable. It does make sense in context, and I understand why they did it. At the start of the film, G makes the best of her situation. She gets involved in politics, goes to parties, takes on the role she is supposed to take with a smile. In the 2nd act, when the movie slows down, she can no longer live with her unhappiness. It makes sense that there are no more parties. It makes sense that she can no longer smile. It makes sense that everything is so slow. It is done well enough, but it is much too slow for the average audience.

I can only recommend this movie if you like period movies. I can’t speak on how accurate it is to the period, but it’ll be enough for casuals. Other than that, it isn’t really worth it. It isn’t bad; it is just okay. It is still better than The Last Duel. For those interested, it is free on YouTube.

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Movie Reviews, movies

YouTube Movie Reviews: Legally Blonde (2001)

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Legally Blonde is free on YouTube. What can I say that hasn’t already been said? It is a great movie with a fantastic cast and a great story. Without question, it is easily one of my favorite movies. The sequels are also available on YouTube, but I can’t speak on how good they are. It has been a while since I’ve seen those.

This movie made a huge impact on me when I watched it in my youth. Although I am a strait Mexican-American male, I empathized with a lot of Elle’s struggles. My whole life people do not take me seriously because of how I look and speak. I find that I am constantly being judged for my appearance and interests. I have to constantly prove myself to people because most think I am just some dumb Mexican kid. I was Elle’s strength and perseverance. Although our struggles are completely different and Elle has advantages that I don’t, I know what it feels like to be dismissed because of my appearance. I know what it feels like to constantly have to prove myself. It hurts when people think I am dumb. It hurts when people are shocked that I can speak English or that I study for tests. This movie helped me deal with a lot of that. 

I will be so bold as to say that this movie is a timeless classic. It has a strong and capable female lead who goes on a journey where she experiences growth. The issues she experiences are relatable. The lessons it teaches are important. If you haven’t seen this, add it to your list. For the rest of you, it’s free!

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Movie Reviews, movies

Movie Reviews: The VelociPastor (2019)

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I loved this movie, but I can’t recommend it. It’s not good. The VelociPastor was made for a certain type of audience, but it wasn’t a mainstream audience. Unless you love watching bad cheesy movies for fun, you are going to have a bad time.

The VelociPastor is about a Catholic priest who has lost his faith. He goes on a pilgrimage to find his faith, but he finds the power to turn into a raptor instead. With the help of a prostitute, he uses his powers to fight an origination of evil ninja. It is insane and I loved almost every minute of it.

Again, this movie isn’t for everyone. The writing is bad, the fight scenes are cheesy, and the costumes and special effects are terrible. This movie looks like it was shot at someone’s house. That said, the acting was surprisingly good, the soundtrack was great, and the sound was amazing. It is often the case with low-budget movies like this for the sound to be awful. I’ve seen movies where dialogue is barely audible or full of reverb. The VelociPastor has its sound on point and I appreciate the filmmakers for it. I can forgive bad acting and terrible special effects, but the sound is hard to overlook. That said, a normal audience will not enjoy this movie.

I am not normal, and I enjoy watching bad movies. I loved this movie for what it is, a goofy attempt at a polymorphing action movie. The one-liners, the costumes, the action scenes, and the big twist at the end were all very much appreciated. It does slow down towards the middle, I think they were running out of ideas, but they were able to bring me back in with a grand finale. This is easily my favorite bad movie. 

If you like making fun of bad movies, check this out. For the rest of you, it’s hard to recommend. The lack of structure and overall goofiness isn’t for everyone. If you are interested in watching The VelociPastor, do not take it seriously. Have fun with it. You can watch it if you have an Amazon Prime membership.  

Movie Reviews, movies

YouTube Movie Reviews: Little Shop of Horrors (1986)

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Little Shop of Horrors is a musical based on a movie of the same name from the 60s. I am not a huge fan of musicals so I can’t comment on how it holds up as one. That said, it still holds up as a film. The singing is fine, the acting is decent, and the special effects are appropriate. It was the actor’s gravitas and charisma that kept my attention. I can see there being an audience for this movie; unfortunately, I am not among them.

This isn’t a bad movie. If you like musicals and 50 eras music, you should check this out. If you are like me and do not like musicals, you should still watch this version for its impact on modern pop culture. I didn’t realize how much this movie is referenced in modern media. I didn’t like it as a musical, but I did enjoy it for its importance in modern American Pop Culture. I appreciate all the risks this movie takes to tell such an odd story. I believe it is important to go back to these older films to see the different forms of storytelling, and how it has changed over the years.

Anyways, if you are looking for a solid musical with a lot of nostalgia, this is a safe bet. You can watch this movie free on YouTube. You can do a lot worse for free. Trust me.

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Movie Reviews, movies

YouTube Movie Review: Rollerball (2002)

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Time has not been kind to Rollerball. The acting is bad, everything feels dated, and it is cheesy in the worst way. If you have fond memories of this movie from your youth, do not watch this. Cherish that memory because reality is very disappointing. There is no amount of nostalgia that will save this movie. The acting and story in this movie are terrible, which hurts the movie. I will excuse bad acting and storytelling if the movie is fun, but this movie is boring. Don’t be distracted by the sick stunts and explosions, nothing interesting happens in this movie. You get to sit through terrible line reads and a lead who is constantly throwing tantrums. I was not entertained.

I don’t know how it compares to the original, but this execution was terrible. Don’t waste your time here. There is nothing here for you. But if you don’t believe me, it is free on YouTube.

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Movie Reviews, movies

Movie Reviews: Free Guy

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I watched Free Guy in theaters, and I enjoyed it. Rewatching it recently, however, I found that it has lost some of its initial intrigue. Although it wasn’t bad, I can feel it not aging well. Free Guy relies heavily on pop culture references. Movies that heavily rely on pop culture references never age well. In a few years, when gaming dialect changes and people have moved on to the next streaming platform, a lot of the jokes and scenes will not work. I don’t think this movie will become obsolete, there will be fans of this movie, but I don’t believe that this movie is timeless.

Now, I didn’t hate this movie this time around. Ryan Reynolds is still charming, the action is still fun, but the story just isn’t there for me. Free Guy is a knock-off to The Lego Movie, and honestly, I would rather watch that instead. The Lego Movie has a better narrative. The plot for Free Guy is fine, but it could be better. I think it takes too long on certain references and sappy romance plots when it should be gaming. It loses a lot of its momentum during the twitch leveling montage. The movie stops halfway through for meaningless commentary that adds little to the movie. I mean references appreciated, but it feels out of place, and the movie never really recovers. The movie just turns into every other Disney movie, a mad dash to save the world against the clock. 

This isn’t a bad movie. This is honestly a great attempt at a video game movie. The action and special effects are showing of what could be, if only the story was good enough to support it. At least it wasn’t the usual cringe-worthy attempt where clueless actors stumble over gaming jargon. Free Guy makes me hopeful that we will one day get the gaming movie we deserve. 

For those interested, This movie is available for streaming on Disney+.

Movie Reviews, movies

YouTube Movie Review: Dirty 30 (2016)

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I went to this expecting another bad and generic Superbad rip-off, but I was pleasantly surprised by a quirky and delightful movie. Dirty 30 is funny, dumb, and cheesy, but all in a good way. While it will not win any awards, it is a movie that should not be overlooked. This movie is about a group of friends dealing with being 30. It is a midlife crisis movie where the characters work through their dilemmas, and grow from the experience.

My issue with movies of this genre is that the main focus is always the wacky antics. They steal a tiger, fight a gang, they get into very illegal situations because that is the formula that works. These movies tend to fall victim to a lack of structure because the goal isn’t to tell a story but to have characters react to wacky situations. You have long-drawn-out party montages and crazy over-the-top scenarios that aren’t always funny. The narrative is reactive and redundant. Dirty 30 is a more grounded approach to the genre where the narrative is a lot more active. The antics are realistic, and the story is never out of the control of the main characters. 

This movie is about the characters taking control of their lives and maturing. It explores a lot of experiences that come with age. The main character can’t get friends to hang out with for her birthday because everyone is busy with their life and kids. She realizes she isn’t where she thought she would be in life. She has to deal with dating weirdos while she is looking for love. This movie does a great job of dealing with these themes in a fun and quirky way. More importantly, it shows that what was important to us in high school isn’t what is important to us today. The friends, rivalries, and goals of our lives have shifted with our worldview, and that is okay.

This is probably more analysis of a b movie that probably wasn’t intended to be taken as seriously, but I liked it so much that I felt obligated to do so. This movie is a lot of fun for what it is; a dumb movie about getting old. The actors are fine, the characters are unique and memorable, and it has a solid narrative. It is cheesy, but that’s okay because it works. You can watch it for free on YouTube.

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Movie Reviews, movies

YouTube Movie Review: Clue (1985)

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I had a lot of fun watching Clue. This movie is cheesy and over the top, but it is a tone fitting for the narrative. I mean, who doesn’t love an over-the-top Tim Curry performance? The rest of the cast is fantastic! Each character is unique and memorable, and the way they work together truly sells this movie. The writing is also great! I am a huge fan of humor based on wordplay, and this has more than enough to satisfy my itch. I laughed through almost the entirety of this movie, despite the story being full of murder.

As far as movies based on board games go, this is great. It is better than Real Steel, and it is leagues better than Battleship. This movie gives me hope that maybe one day we can get a good movie that is based on a video game or board game that isn’t generic garbage. As far as murder mystery movies go, I think it is fine. It isn’t meant to be a serious installment of the genre, but it is a fine attempt. I don’t have too many examples to compare it to, but it was better than Murder on the Orient Express.

I don’t think this movie is for everyone. I think the cheesy tone and the jokes might be a bit much for some modern audiences. If you are a fan of murder mysteries, this might not be enough to scratch your itch either. It might not be serious enough. This is more for people who enjoy this era’s humor and enjoys hyperactive narrative. But it is free on YouTube. You can do a lot worse for free.

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