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New to Town (2009) Review – A love story they should have told better

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I will not sit here and try to sell you on a movie that is mediocre at best. The plot is generic and contrived and there is no chemistry between the main characters. It is hard to watch a love story about two people who only seem to only tolerate each other. The movie does try to address some deep issues like how corporate America can ruin small rural towns, but it does not go deep enough. It shouldn’t, it is a rom com, but these scenes are more thought out and impressive than the romantic plot that seems to be thrown in there out of necessity.

The biggest problem with this movie is the pacing. They mix so many plots that they leave very little time to flesh any of them out fully. When she shifts from hating the town to wanting to save it seems to come almost out of nowhere because it is so sudden. I wish they would have abandoned the romance plot, that being the weakest in the movie. I wish movies like this would stop defining woman’s happiness by their relationship with me and instead focus on the deeper non-romantic connections they could make. If you take out the romance plot from this movie, it could turn into a heartwarming film about a woman who wants to save a town because of the friendships she has made in the process.

I would argue that it is the relationship that Blanche forges with Lucy that ultimately saves the town. The character Blanche is the only reason why I enjoyed this movie as much as I did. I Stopped following Lucy’s narrative early on because she is a generic character. Instead, I chose to follow Blanche closely. Blanche starts out the movie as this almost overbearing presence. She doesn’t stop talking and she is always inserting herself into Lucy’s life. But as the movie progresses it’s clear that Blanche is going out of her way to make sure Lucy feels welcomed in her town. I believe that her motives are altruistic and Blanche’s kindness is indeed genuine. This overbearing presence she has slowly becomes normal and scenes without her seem lifeless. I think the film does a great job at showing this progression of from annoying to friendly not only for Lucy, but for the audience as well. I think this friendship was the most important aspect of this films plot and I wish they developed it a lot more.  

My main issue with this movie is the love interest. They could have dropped him from the movie and it would not have changed the plot. He has such little impact in this movie that I forget his name. Instead, they should have taken more time to develop Lucy’s relationship with the town. They could have shown her slowly building a rapport with the townspeople and maybe even start developing a routine. They could have shown her going into a shop and the owner knows her by name and what she likes to order. I would have rather seen a heartwarming scene between Blanche and Lucy instead of the messy fight she has in the factory with the workers. This movie should have been more about her relationship with the town and factory.

If you are looking for a good romantic comedy, you have already seen better. Go watch those instead. If you are looking for a dumb movie to put in the background while you do chores, this is a valid choice. It could make a fun date night movie, the plot is simple and you do not need to pay attention to the movie to get the gist. There are worse ways to spend an hour and some change, but you probably won’t remember watching this movie.

Movie Reviews

Hell Fest (2018) – Review

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I don’t know what I expected from this movie, but I was left utterly disappointed. I understand that I am not the target demographic, but I will still give my grumpy old man rant if you’ll allow it. This review does contain spoilers, but I am hopping that after reading this I can convince you to watch this.

The film starts in the past and a cheap jump scare.  Although it might be done to set the tone of the movie, it is out of place and doesn’t add to the overall narrative. The true start is with the introduction of the main character, Natalie. Natalie has flown back home for Halloween weekend to visit her best friend Brooke. It is in this introduction that you see Natalie has some deep seeded resentment towards Brooke’s roommate Taylor. It is never explored as to why Natalie doesn’t like Taylor; it is simply brushed off as one of her quirks. She has a lot of terrible quirks. She instantly forgets this resentment because in their next scene together they are the closest friends.

Through plot convenience, Brooke has scored VIP tickets for a pop-up Halloween amusement park. It is at the park that you meet the boyfriends. None of these characters are memorable and seem to be simple representations of what someone believes teens are. Most of their dialogue can be summarized with “yall gunna fuck!”. I know It is asking a lot for proper characters and character development from slasher film, but at least let me like the main characters. At this point you are 30 minutes into the movie and nothing of note has happened. A faceless killer joins the game and now the movie turns from an outing with friends to a night of survival. This is a shameless Halloween rip off, go watch that instead.

The main issue with this movie is that the concept doesn’t work. Everything is so busy that it there is no real tension. This lack of tension hurts is status as a slasher film. What is worse, most of the movie is just reaction shots as they make their way through the many haunted mazes. They aren’t even well done nor are they fun to watch. This makes up so much of the movie that I honestly would have forgotten about the killer if Natalie wasn’t constantly reminding me. The plot to this movie is so weak that it wouldn’t exist had Natalie been sensible and left the park. The killer gives her ample opportunity to leave, but this movie wouldn’t happen if Natalie was sensible. She chooses too late to call the police. If she honestly felt in danger and threatned, she could have left, called the police, asked for a refund and we wouldn’t have to sit through this.

This park is also the void of safety. I have been to enough festivals to understand that this was not a very well-run from how much effort was put into its production. Had this been some sketchy fair, these issues could be easily ignored. But this place looks expensive, and nothing this expensive should have this many safety violations. There are no safety measures put in place to get the people out safely during a crisis. There are no clear signs that point to a clear exit. There is no medical staff or tents. There is also only one security guard in this whole place. They don’t even turn on the lights when they close the park to help people safely evacuate. This park wouldn’t have been approved for the public. Ignoring all of that, this is a park that should have been shut down the first-time people were murdered there. I am confident there should have been enough buzz around to shut it down the second or third time this happened. At the very least, there should have been a lot more preventative measures.

The killer is also a huge problem. This is a killer that pops up when it is convenient. The rest of the time, you are watching a bunch of drunks running around an amusement park. When he does show up, he exhibits inhuman powers. He teleports to cut off the group. He is able to keep close with a group of drunk college kids at popular festival, even skipping lines to pop up when the script calls for him. Anyone who has gone to a popular festival can tell you how easily you can lose your group, but somehow he is able to cut them off at every single turn. He is even able to disappear to avoid capture. This wouldn’t be a problem if he wasn’t so massive and slow. Even with this mass, he has no presence in the movie. I’ll say it again, I completely forgot he was the villain because he barely does anything.

My biggest issue with the movie is Natalie. The film attempts to create a deep character, but she ends up just as shallow, forgettable, and annoying as her friends. They give her a love interest who she clearly has no chemistry with. They kill him off instantly and no one even knows that he is dead, making this death pointless. You can argue that his death was used so he can get the phone and track the teens through the park, but that is a dumb plot device because it stops working when they really need it. But, this relationship is a huge part of her character and seems to be the only thing defining her. Having a relationship with the opposite sex is not a character trait and I hate that this movie made it one. For once I want to see a movie where the female protagonist existence doesn’t revolve around being swooned. Because of this trait, you get to watch one the most boring dates ever.

It is on this bad date that they allude to her vague and sad back story. This sad story is forgotten almost instantly. This movie does that a lot. Why do all main characters in these movies always have a sad back story? Just once I would like to see a character who is happy with her life. Bad shit happens to happy people too. But then it wouldn’t be very Hollywood and this essay would be a lot shorter. In this case, it doesn’t add anything to her character. In fact, most character development is established through lazy exposition. If they wanted to give her a sad back story, they could have had her have an argument with one of her parents over the phone. After this phone call, they could have had one of her friends console her and establish depth in that conversation instead of randomly inserting it as dialogue. This would have shown the audience she has trouble at home but also show a deeper relationship between the group. But this isn’t a better movie and you just get this shallow copy of something you would rather be watching.

In closing, you should probably skip this one. There isn’t enough substance for a full movie, even if they try bait an entire series. I don’t see this movie aging well, nor do I see any of their sequels or prequels coming to theaters. It is not an original concept, nor is it a good execution of it.

Movie Reviews

Haunted Maze (2017) – Review

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I won’t waste your time with the obvious. This movie is bad. The acting, the production, and the lack of story is all sloppily put together and falsely marketed as a movie. Don’t watch this movie, even if you like making fun of terrible movies, there is nothing here for you. Most of the time if you can’t hear what is going on, you can’t see. I found this movie accidentally thinking it was something else and I hate myself terribly for having to watched it.

Now I will dig a little deeper into why Haunted Maze doesn’t work. The protagonist, if you can call them that, are unlikable and have no presence in the movie. You are quickly introduced to the protagonist who’s only defining characteristic is that they are teens. At least, they are what the director thinks teens are. It is a really poor depiction and it doesn’t help that they all have the acting ability of cardboard. If you get passed the poor acting and terrible dialogue, they are all assholes. None of the protagonist are likable and I instantly wished for the killer to do the great service of erasing them from this movie. Horror movies need a least one good character. A relatable essence that people want to see succeed and survive. Here, you get a brief introduction to a group of friends who really shouldn’t be friends and I would argue that their toxic relationship is more dangerous than the killer clown.

Now the biggest issue with the movie is the villain of the film. It is clear early on that this was a film that started with a concept and a movie was made around it. Worse yet, it seems that the film is a collection of unrelated ideas put together without any clear goal or story in mind. There are too many plots in this movie and none of them are resolved. This also means that this movie doesn’t have a solid flow as it will jump from scene to scene hoping for connections that aren’t there. Worse yet, the plot points this movie feigns to have seem to be quirks that come across lame.

The biggest quirk in this movie is the villain. It is clear of the bat that the actor who plays the killer clown is trying his hardest. He easily delivers the best performance out of the whole cast by far. It is not good enough to merit the watch, but I will give him that credit. That said, this is the worst killer clown you can have chasing you. He fucking talks in rhyme. Why does he talk in rhyme? That is never addressed. In fact, none of his character is explained. There is no rhyme or reason why he has to be a clown when nothing in his past suggest this as a logical personality. He is a killer just because and that instantly makes him such a flat villain. A good villain needs to have a motive, goal, personality outside of just a quirk. There needs to be a reason for him to act the way he acts and him being a killer clown because it is a horror movie frankly isn’t enough. You get tired of this clown so quickly because he talks so much but never once explains why he is hunting teens.

Some might argue that the traumatic experience from his past is reason enough to create believable motive as well as form his personal identity, but this movie brushes past this explanation so quickly and makes such a wild leap to killer clown that it doesn’t work. Had they done like in the first Halloween movie and shown a traumatic childhood, events and actions that suggest that he was leading down the killer clown path, or even made his father a killer clown it would have given the clown a little more depth. I don’t use names because honestly, it is so generic of a concept it doesn’t matter. With out this basic level of character development, there is no reason to care about the villain. With out any motive, any depth, the villain isn’t memorable. Think about all your favorite villains. Even those in slashers extend more than just a quirk and blood-thirst. You work because you understand the motive, they have weight and feel real because they have flaws and goals.

This is too much thought and analysis for a movie that was done with way too little thought. Honestly, you won’t get passed the first five minutes because of how badly everything is done. I did it so you don’t have to. Skip it like your life depended on it!

 

Movie Reviews

Xane: The Vampire God

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This is a terrible movie, hurt by its artistic choices and horrible acting. But I will be focusing on the failed anti-hero that is Xane.

For context, Xane travels back in time to stop himself from killing the Caine, the vampire king, and save the world. The problem is that because of time-travel, he has created a new timeline and must work harder now to save the world. Time travel creates a lot of holes in the plot that they will of course fill with poor reads of exposition. The other problem with time-travel is that it creates a hero’s journey for Xane that doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because his actions in this timeline will create a paradox loop where he is always traveling back in time to stop himself in order to fix a terrible outcome he creates. I should mention that the reason he goes back in time is because he lives in a future where he has destroyed everything because he can’t die. It is based on this fact alone that I can’t call him a hero because he is only trying to erase his deeds rather than try to fix them. Instead, his journey is a little bit more selfish and self-serving rather than the righteous one the film suggests he is on.

The film does a terrible job establishing vampire lore, specifically when it comes to powers. This is bad when the story’s main plot points are these vampires. Vampires who aren’t the main three look like normal humans with dried red paint bleeding from their eyes. They are slow and have no real presence in the movie save to remind the audience that this is a vampire movie. Xane on the other hand is incredibly overpowered to the point that it makes him uninteresting. He can travel through time, has super strength, and is immortal. He is a generic, but poorly done edgy anti-hero who never faces any real consequences. If he doesn’t succeed in whatever he is trying to achieve, what is to stop him from resetting the loop at will?

Action heroes work because despite their superhuman feats, there is always a chance of getting defeated. This moment of hubris is essential in character growth because it makes the hero more relatable. But it also creates an opportunity to grow as a character as they have to overcome an adversity with something other than god given talent. In this film that is all but stripped from Xane because there is nothing really to give him adversity. That and his journey doesn’t really count because of time travel. Even in movies where the hero seems to incredibly superhuman, like John Wick, you get to see exhaustion take its toll, giving the story tension because there is a chance that the hero might lose.

In short, don’t make your character’s overpowered. Even Superman has kryptonite.  For a hero’s journey to be effective and hero be able to earn his title, he must have to not only work for it, but the journey has to matter. Sure, there are examples where the hero is overpowered and it works, but there was still a defining flaw that humanizes them. I would argue that there can’t be a perfect all-powerful hero because there needs to be this drama and obstacles that she has to overcome.

I put way too much thought into a movie that shouldn’t be worth this much effort, but I honestly got so bored that this is where it led me. I wouldn’t watch this movie unless you have fun making fun of bad movies. There is a lot of dumb dialogue and interesting choices that make it impossible to take this movie serious.

Movie Reviews

Castle in the Ground (2019) Review

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This journey of addiction is one that should not be overlooked. The movie begins with introducing Henry, the main character, who takes care of his sick and dying mother. It seems that his life now revolves around the care of his mother as he often will skip out on social events to be by her side. I would argue that this is his own addiction as it seems that he chooses to let his care take priority over everything else.

It is in this introduction that you learn about his mother’s own addiction to substances as she starts to ask for more and more medication. You are also introduced to Ana, who moves in across the hall to disrupt the routine that he has established with his mother. Ana is new, exciting, different and it provides him a nice change of pace. It is only after his mother’s death that Henry’s relationship with Ana starts to develop. And through this friendship, so does his fall into addiction.

This movie does a great job depicting the loneliness of addiction. I would argue that Ana and Henry aren’t really friends but more using buddies. The same would go for Ana and the people who come by because although they hangout, the only tangible connection they hold is the pills they use to get high. Ana goes even as far as to guilt the people around her in order to receive her next score. Addiction is an incredibly selfish and lonely disease. Once Henry becomes an addict, he stops praying and begins to isolate from anyone from his sober life. Once deep into his addiction, the only people who are in his life are those who have gotten him into trouble. It seems he also becomes addicted to this life because despite having chances to live a normal life, the addiction won’t let him.

Instead, like the other addicts in the movie, he is forever chasing the last high before he can get his shit together. When they finally hit bottom, most addicts do, you can feel the desperation, loneliness, selfishness, and pain of being too deep into an addiction. They no longer care about real problems, nor the consequences of their actions as long as they can get high just one more time.

This decent into the madness that addiction is definitely worth the watch. It is a little slow, but I thought the pace was perfect. It is a good movie adaptation of addiction and how easily someone can fall into it.

Movie Reviews

Vivarium (2019) Review

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Vivarium is an incredibly underwhelming movie with a decent cast and an ok story. The movie is about a young couple whose house search lands them to a neighborhood they can never escape. It is here that they are given a child to raise. Being trapped slowly begins to take a toll on the couple’s relationship and, well nothing really happens.

After they are settled in the house and are given a child to care, they sort of fall into the motions rather quickly. Each person has a task they must complete for whatever reason, and it incredibly boring to watch. Each day starts with dealing with breakfast, but each time they change the scene ever so slightly to show that the situation is taking its toll on their relationship. The problem is, it doesn’t matter. It is so boring that you stop caring about watching people doing chores. I wish they did a better job at creating more tension and hopelessness. It doesn’t feel like that they are trapped here, instead it just feels like you are watching a couple take care of a kid when they don’t want to take care of the kid. Yeah they get upset with each other and they become unexplainably obsessed with whatever task the aliens programmed them to do, but this doesn’t create the tension nor does it create the creepy tone this movie needed to be successful.

The biggest issue with the movie is that the plot doesn’t make sense.  There is no reason for them to be there, there is nothing to explain why they are there. Nothing to explain what the aliens are doing. It seems that they had a concept for a movie, but it was never fully fleshed out to create cohesive story. They get to the neighborhood and start doing chores and dying because reasons. They add a lot of scenes for the sake of adding a creepy seen, but they add nothing to the film. They go as far as heavily suggesting that aliens are behind the whole plot, but they never do anything with them. It is incredibly difficult to talk about this movie because of how shallow of a plot it has. Clearly most of the budget was used to create this weird suburban prison because so much time is spent showing how creepy this world is, but so little time is spent on the actual plot of the movie.

The worst part of the film is the foreshadowing. In the first five minutes, the movie goes out of it’s way to summarize the rest of the movie. A cuckoo takes over a nest and now this new mama bird is tricked into raising the parasite. Oh and Jessie Eisenberg buries the babies for whatever reason. There is no reason to watch it passed this point because the rest the movie is a more drawn out and boring version of this scene.

I wanted to like this movie. I have seen some cool culty creepy movies about suburbia that have always been my favorite but was instead incredibly disappointed. I wish they did more with the aliens. I wish it wasn’t so drawn it out and they actually acted like natural humans who were trapped rather than robots programmed to take care of this alien kid. I wish they had spent a little more time explaining how anything in this world worked so I can understand the severity of their situation. Instead you get chores the movie and I don’t recommend this to my worst enemy. Skip it.

 

Movie Reviews

Red Rover (2018) Review

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Red Rover is a movie that proves that a movie doesn’t need a huge budget to tell a story. Although the story of the movie is not the best, it is able to create a fluid one.

The movie starts with introducing the main character Damon, who by all accounts fits the loser trope. He is nonathletic and a bit overweight, he is meek, he works for a shitty boss that constantly takes advantage, and he lives in the basement of his ex’s house. He seems to be losing control of his life as he loses his job and his ex her new boyfriend has asked him to move out. It is when he is at his lowest that the mystical force of Phoebe comes to give his life purpose again.

The biggest issue with this movie is this relationship. Through what I would call magic, Phoebe seems to sense that Damon needs her and comes to his rescue. When they meet, it is late at night and alone at the beach while Damon combs the beach with a metal detector. Phoebe has no issue approaching this strange man and gives him the hope he needed when he was the most down. Now the rest of the movie is about the change that she brings to his life as she helps Damon with his goal to go to mars. There is a contest to go to mars, but that isn’t incredibly important.

Now Phoebe is a modern-day manic pixie. She is quirky, bubbly, free spirited and the opposite of what Damon is. But she is also exactly what he needs. This makes the film seem more like a fantasy that Damon has made up because it doesn’t necessarily make sense. Fate keeps them constantly bumping into each other and she seems to always know what to say to make Damon feel better. Like I said, it isn’t the best story, but they are able to tell it well considering their small budget.

But this film does keep the same quirky tone throughout, which I thought works for this movie. It doesn’t get annoying and I honestly had a lot of fun watching it. What I thought it did well was the date scene. It is a carnival montage, but instead of having it set to the tune of a pop song, it is a conversation between the two. It works incredibly well here because as they date progresses and they get closer; you can also hear it in the conversation. A conversation that adds depth to both of their characters by not only providing back story, but also insight into who they are as people. Albeit not the most original back story, but it works well enough to make the characters a bit more memorable.

Now this isn’t going to be the best movie experience you will have this year, but it does its job to entertain. You will need to suspend your disbelief on parts of the movie and it does feel like a fantasy of a man going through his midlife crisis, but it’s a fun movie to watch. Maybe one you don’t have to pay too much attention to. It is impressive what they can achieve with such a small budget and it should merit a watch just on that alone. I would be curious to see what else the film makers can do with a bigger budget and I will be looking out for what else they are able to come up with.

 

Movie Reviews

Blue Story (2019) Review

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Blue story is a movie about two friends who are torn apart by gang violence in England. The movie starts off with a Rapman’s rap narration of the negative effects of gang violence. You are introduced to Timmy, the protagonist. Timmy has to go to school in a different postal code, where he forges a deep bond with Marco and others. Although life seems to be perfect for the protagonist, gang life seems to creep in its ugly head to disrupt everyone’s life. Now, because of where each friend lives, they become enemies.

This movie takes on a serious topic, but does a poor job presenting it. This is a shame because the film goes out of its way to deliver an overbearing anti-gang message which I feel is incredibly ineffective. There are bits of dialogue where they awkwardly deliver this message. Even the lyrics are blatant in this effort. This type of hand holding is insulting because it suggests a distrust in the audience to make their own conclusions that gang violence is bad. I wish that instead of constantly telling me that gang violence is bad, they would spend the time showing me how it is bad.

My biggest issue with this movie is the overbearing narrator. This movie feels more like a Rapman music video with bits of plot added as filler. Rapman is always present and ruins a lot of tension in the movie. Now, I have always had an issue with narration in movies because it feels rather lazy. Why can they not just show me? In this movie, Rapman is constantly there, telling you things you already know in a way that doesn’t really fit the tone of the movie. Had they leaned into the idea and made into a rap opera; his presence might feel a little less overbearing. The movie doesn’t even establish what type of impact rap has to do with gang violence save for a small quick mention about getting views on Youtube. Because if feels so alien, there is no real tension in the movie and even when serious events unfold, you can’t take them serious because of Rapman.

If you take out all the redundancies and the narration, this movie wouldn’t fill an hour. A movie that spends so much time telling you how big of a problem gang violence is doesn’t have enough of a story to fill an hour and that is incredibly telling of the quality of movie this is. I wish that instead of using this cheap gimmick spent more time creating deeper characters and showing the negative effects of gang violence on the character’s lives. Instead, you won’t care about any of this movie.  None of the characters stand out in particular and none of the scenes are as charged as you would expect a movie like this should be. I would even argue that it is incredibly comical in how it portrays gang life. It’s a shame because you can tell that the actors in this movie try incredibly hard for a movie that, frankly, doesn’t deserve their effort.

It’s not a horrible movie by any means, it just isn’t effective in what it seeks out to do. There isn’t any real reason to seek this movie because there are a lot of movies out there that do this better.

 

Movie Reviews

Little Red Necro (2019) Review

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This wild ride of a movie leaves more questions than answers as it tries to take on a bit too much with its little budget. It is difficult to put this review into words because I am still unsure as to what I have just experienced. But I will try to explain it as I understood it and pick apart its flaws from there.

The movie takes place in a war-torn London. A war against an evil cult of Italian monsters in an undisclosed amount of time in the future. The story centers around the mysterious disappearance of the main character, a mother dealing with the loss of her family and a mysterious presence that is haunting her. There is also a superhuman killer on the loose.

This movie lacks focus. With its small amount of space and resources, it attempts and fails to create a large world. This movie has too many plots. As a result, a lot of them are left unresolved and are distractedly pointless. The war plot adds doesn’t affect the story and could have been left out honestly. There is also a plot about a cult that is confusing as all hell because it is never clear what their alignment is. Are they evil or the heroes of the story? There is also a infidelity plot that seems to be added to provide some drama. Unfortunately, this weaved around the killer’s rampage is incredibly distracting. As a result, there is no real tension as you jump from scene to scene. You will constantly be working hard to peace together the fragments of plot given to you through lazy exposition that seems to be added to connect all the gore.

It seems the movie started with a costume design, or a group of them. A plot was then written around these designs. This hurts the movie because these designs make little sense and don’t look good. The movie jumps from monstrosity to monstrosity trying to create this world full of monsters, but none of them are memorable. None of them look unique, and instead look like cheap copies of each other. Some are incredibly gross for the sake of being gross and their presence doesn’t feel important to the film. They add very little as they are destroyed by the main monster of the film.

Unfortunately, the narrative doesn’t read coherently, but rather like introductions of multiple stories en medias res. You will jump from a barely audible and unenthusiastic conversation with the main character and her friend to a gruesome murder. It feels as if the plot is left secondary in this movie as you can tell most of the effort goes into the murders because of how muted they are in comparison. Scenes with the main character are hard to understand because she sounds so far away, I didn’t understand who she was or why she was there except for the random bits and pieces that were written. In contrast, murders are loud and accompanied by gallons of blood.

Everything about this movie is over the top and cheesy. Body parts explode, the smallest cuts release the flood gates, and the acting doesn’t help much either. It is hard to take this movie serious, and as a result, all the big reveals are muted. This movie is rich with big reveals as they try to connect the plots together, but they do so poorly. I wish they had instead focused on one idea and one plot point and worked on developing the big plot a little more. It could have helped with the tension if instead of boring conversations of infidelity, they focused on creating the lore for the main monster of the movie.

The biggest issue with he movie is the main monster. They do a poor job creating this monster’s lore. You do get snippets of exposition relating to his lore, but they are incredibly cryptic. You do not see much of the monster in throughout the movie. Instead he is an unstoppable mysterious force and it makes the movie kind of boring. Without too much explanation, his intentions seem to be tied to the narrator’s diary. This kills the tension in the movie as every kill is explained by some girl’s edgy journal entries. You learn early on that he is unstoppable as he kills people easily. Even villains set up as somewhat competent are destroyed comically with a single punch. This makes the movie a bit boring as there are no stakes or any semblance of tension. If nothing hurts the beast, why should I care about the bad ass looking villain he is about to face off against?

I can’t tell you the importance of the film’s name, that is never addressed. I also can’t recommend this mess of a movie because even though there is a lot happening, it has no substance. It does a poor job at explaining anything so by the end of it, you will be trying and failing to understand what the fuck you just sat through. It honestly feels like someone made a bunch of monster costumes and pieced them together with poorly written dialogue. If you like incredibly cheesy horror flicks akin to things like Thankskilling, you might get a good laugh at the goofy monsters and over the top special effects. Other than that, there is no reason to watch this wild ride of a movie. You aren’t missing anything important.

Movie Reviews

Aladdin (2019) – Review

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The recent trend of rebooting past series a modernizing them leaves me a bit uneasy. On one hand, it is nice to see a new generation experiencing media that was formative for my cultural identity, but on the other hand it is easy for greed to make such unique ideas come out incredibly generic. I also understand that it is easy for nostalgia to create an unfair bias against a movie that would otherwise be considered good. I will not be comparing the movie to the original but instead be focusing on its own merits. Because of this I will not go into too much plot summary since most people should at least be somewhat familiar with the plot of the movie.

The movie starts off as a framed narrative that sets the tone for the rest of the movie. The narrator of the story is Will Smith, and if you haven’t figured it out, this is a Will Smith movie. Now I am not saying that Smith is a bad actor, he is not, I am saying that his overbearing presence seems hurts the movie because most of everything else doesn’t fit the tone. My biggest issue with the recent reboots is the star studded cast. Seems like most of these movie’s cast people not because they fit the roll, but because it will give the movie more name recognition. Unfortunately, this movie is hurt by it’s star.

Will Smith as Genie isn’t a bad choice by any means. Some of his delivery is solid and his singing is good enough to be in the movie, but they make his presence suffocating. They are really trying to get the most out of Smith for what they paid for. Because of this, there is an uninteresting love plot between Genie and the handmaiden that only comes to light because the plot demands it. Some of the songs are modernized so that Smith can have a solo and while sometimes it is ok, they ruin it by adding rap to it. I know Smith had a career as a rapper and I have nothing against rap music, I like it, but it is a problem when an otherwise great song has its rhythm halted because they want to reach the teens in the audience. I can honestly say that this movie is all about Genie and less about the forbidden love story that they keep cutting back as it is remembered. While he isn’t the worst choice for the Genie, I would have liked it better if the focus was on the story instead of Genie shenanigans.

Because of his overreaching presence, the main characters feel like supporting characters. Any of the character development, as little as there is, is kind of briefly mention and that really hurts this movie. This is a movie that is meant to be about breaking out of traditional roles and labels and becoming the truest self. These big moments are rushed because they spend so much time on unnecessary filler. When Jazmin finally fights back and when Aladdin finally accepts who he is, it doesn’t feel as big because there was little in this movie to show them working for that. Sure the musicals numbers suggest that the plot is moving in that direction, but this is the equivalent to an exposition dump. It really does hurt the narrative when the journey to character growth is summarized in song instead of having meaningful scenes that show the growth. I would have rather they removed some of the Genie scenes and Genie’s love interest and replaced it instead with scenes with the actual main characters.

The movie feels incredibly stiff because most of it is shot on green screen. I am not a huge fan of CGI because some of it looks ugly, and this movie has some ugly scenes and that was a huge distraction for me. Some scenes lose their effect as a result. For example, the carpet ride looks cheap and the actors look incredibly uncomfortable. It doesn’t feel magical nor does it feel like they are making any sort of real connection. It is feels like two people standing in front of a camera, swaying occasionally for effect.

In closing, this movie isn’t anything remarkable. It is put together like a bunch of Genie sketches with only the thinnest amount of plot to move you to the next Genie scene. If you have kids, this isn’t the worst movie you will have to sit through. It is honestly one of the best if not the best Disney live action ones I have seen so far. It’s fun enough to watch, but it probably won’t be remembered.